This Feeling That Remains
by Holly Gilmore
Summary: It was all because he couldn’t just stay away from her when they told him to. He didn’t even know if he could’ve stayed away if she’d told him to. No one had to tell him anymore though. -- Java/Lit -- Complete --
1. What Are You Gonna Do Now?

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

**Dedication: **I don't usually do these, but I just wanted to thank a few people. Firstly, LukeLorelai4EVER because she wanted a Java/Lit fic and I wanted to provide her with one. Secondly AvidTVfan for telling me that people here at ff.net would actually want to read this. And last but definitely not least, everyone at stars-hollow.org who reads and reviews this fic for me as I write it. I love you guys, you're the best!

*~*~*~*

How dare he? What was he thinking?! He could have killed them both. And now, she was going to kill him.  
  
Stealing gnomes was one thing, playing pranks on Stars Hollow's unsuspecting citizens was tame. But breaking her daughter?! Her precious, perfect daughter! That was it. She'd had it. She was through being nice to him for Rory's sake, Luke's sake or anyone else's. He'd crossed a line and now he was going to die a long, painful and drawn out death.  
  
She imagined it'd be something as tried and trusted as being hung, drawn and quartered. Only with a trademark Lorelai Gilmore twist. Maybe he'd be wearing a tutu, just to add some humiliation to the proceedings. Or maybe she'd make him listen to Britney Spears until his ears bled and then she'd kill him.  
  
She wasn't entirely sure. The only thing she was certain of was that she was going to find him. She was going to find the punk that had left her daughter in the emergency room, and she was going to show him what a bitch pay back could be.  
  
"Luke!" She called out almost innocently, banging the palm of her hand against the cold glass of the diner door. "Luke!"  
  
The sign said 'closed', but Luke was inside, and she knew he wouldn't ignore her. He opened the door and the bells jangled loudly. Some things never changed.  
  
"Hey, I was…" Luke started in an explanatory tone.  
  
Lorelai nodded her head at him. _Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make excuses. Where is the little toad?!_  
  
"Where is he?" She interrupted him calmly, stepping inside and looking around.  
  
"Who?" Luke frowned, stepping back to make way for her as she entered the diner.  
  
"Jess. Where's Jess, Luke?" She asked, realizing Jess wasn't in the diner and heading straight for the stairs.  
  
"I don't know. I just got back." Luke replied honestly. "What's going on? I got here and they weren't here."  
  
She pushed aside the plastic sheeting separating the diner from the stairs that led to Jess and Luke's apartment, ignoring Luke's pleas for an explanation.  
  
"Jess!" She shouted as she ran up the stairs quickly, her anger growing all the while.  
  
She didn't know what she was going to do when she saw him. She didn't know if it was possible to be any more infuriated then she currently was, but she knew that seeing him would bring any hidden anger to the surface.  
  
"Hey, talk to me!" Luke called after her, watching her hurry towards the apartment.  
  
"Jess, answer me right now!" Lorelai called in a 'do it or else' tone as she marched purposefully down the hallway to the apartment door.  
  
"What's wrong, what happened?!" Asked Luke desperately, catching up to her.  
  
"There was an accident." She stated all too calmly, pushing open the apartment door and walking inside.  
  
"What accident?"  
  
"Jess!"  
  
"What accident?!" Luke was on tenterhooks, trying to keep up with Lorelai as she searched the apartment for Jess.  
  
"Jess was driving Rory's car and he **_crashed_** it!" She practically spit out his name.  
  
Luke felt a wave of panic hit him. A car crash? Jess and Rory had been in a car crash. Was Rory hurt? Was Jess hurt? He had to steady himself quickly before Lorelai was gone. She was moving fast and if he wasted any time she'd leave before he could find out anything more.  
  
"What? When?" He asked anxiously as she continued her hunt.  
  
"What do you mean, when? Tonight, tonight - He **crashed** it tonight!" She said frantically, seeing that Jess wasn't in the apartment either.  
  
She moved swiftly over to the door all the while thinking only of tracking him down.  
  
"Jess! Damnit!" She yelled as Luke watched her exit the apartment.  
  
"What happened?" He shouted at her retreating figure. "Is anyone hurt?! Lorelai!"  
  
Luke rushed down the stairs after her, needing more answers. Needing to know that Rory was ok. Needing to know that Jess was alright.  
  
"Hey, I'm talking to you here!" He said demandingly as Lorelai peered quickly into the storeroom.  
  
Jess wasn't there. He wasn't in the diner. He wasn't in the apartment. He wasn't in the storeroom. He was making it difficult for her to find him. She just knew it. He was a selfish little rat and he was just doing it to torment her!  
  
"Where would he be? Where would he go?" Lorelai asked coldly, already making her way towards the exit.  
  
If he wanted to play games, that was fine. She was good at Hide and Seek. She'd hunt him down, beat him bloody and hang him from the front porch like a piñata. Everyone in town could have a bat. Every one in town could take a swing!  
  
"I asked you if anyone was hurt?" Luke persisted.  
  
"Uh, was anyone hurt?" Lorelai replied mockingly, stopping and facing him. "Well, lets see. Uh, Rory's in the emergency room with a fractured wrist, so yeah, I'd say someone was hurt!"  
  
"Rory fractured her wrist?" Luke frowned in concern.  
  
"Yes, she has to wear a cast for two weeks! She's getting x-rays and tests…" She trailed off, looking around. "Where would he go Luke?"  
  
"I don't know." He sighed, taking off his baseball cap and rubbing his forehead.  
  
"Does the little punk have any friends?" She asked, folding her arms across her chest.  
  
"I doubt it. He's not exactly the social butterfly his mother is." He said with a roll of his eyes. "And even if he did have friends, I don't think he'd tell me about them."  
  
"Well then where is he?!" She demanded.  
  
"I don't know!" Luke shot back in frustration. "Do you know if he's ok?"  
  
"Not for long!" Lorelai scoffed bitterly as she flung the diner door open and walked off down the street.  
  
Luke looked around the diner and rubbed his eyes for a minute, taking a deep breath.  
  
"Lorelai, wait!" He called hurrying after her.  
  
"I'm gonna find him Luke. Don't even try and stop me or I'll make it a family affair. Nephew and Uncle, crucified side by side. It'll be a tale told for years to come." She threatened.  
  
Luke caught up to her and tried to keep pace.  
  
"So you're just going to look all over town for him?" Luke asked, knowing she would.  
  
"If I have to rip the door off of every damn house to find him, I'll do it with pleasure." She said, never taking her eyes off of the road in front of her.  
  
"What about Rory?"  
  
"She's getting plastered up at the hospital, Luke!" She shouted.  
  
"Shouldn't you be there then?"  
  
"No. No, I should be seeking revenge on the lowlife that put her there. Which is what I'm doing."  
  
"Lorelai…"  
  
"Luke, either you help me find him or you go away." She said impatiently.  
  
"But I don't know where he is!" Luke insisted.  
  
"Where does he usually hang out?" She asked. "He does go out, right? He's not a hermit or anything? I mean he must go out otherwise he wouldn't be able to steal and lie and crash cars!"  
  
"Yes, he goes out, but I don't have a clue where!" Luke sighed.  
  
Lorelai stopped dead, narrowing her eyes at nothing in particular.  
  
"What?" Luke frowned at her, trying to see what she was looking at.  
  
"Rory…" She murmured.  
  
"What about her?"  
  
"I know where he is." She said, a small smile forming on her lips as she turned around.  
  
"Where? Lorelai! Where is he?!" Luke called after her.  
  
"Rory told me, about their… 'picnic'." She rolled her eyes at the word. "She told me where they went."  
  
"What are you talking about?!" He asked, falling into step beside her once again.  
  
"The bridge. They went to the bridge. He's at the damn bridge!"  
  
"Don't you think that's a bit of a wild stab in the dark?" Luke asked skeptically.  
  
"It is. It's also what Jess will be getting when I get my hands on him."  
  
Luke sighed deeply and tried to keep up with Lorelai as they approached the bridge.  
  
She felt her anger boiling up inside her. He was sitting there, as if nothing had happened. He was sitting there _smoking_ as if nothing had happened. As if her daughter wasn't in the hospital. As if he didn't care at all. She knew he didn't care. She'd known all along. She'd tried to tell Rory that he was scum, without actually using the word scum. She'd tried to tell Rory he didn't care.  
  
But Rory was sweet and naïve and too friendly and kind to turn Jess away or tell him to leave her alone. She was helpless against his advances. She didn't even see them as advances. It was obvious to everyone but her.  
  
She stood over him. He knew she was there. He didn't even have to decency to look at her. He just sat there, smoking.  
  
"Get up, Jess." She demanded coolly.  
  
He didn't move. A small cloud of cigarette smoke rose up and slowly faded. But he didn't move.  
  
"Jess!" She snapped, losing her grip on her anger. "Get up and look at me!"  
  
"Lorelai…" Luke started quietly.  
  
"Luke, this isn't about you. It's about him." Lorelai said, holding her hand up to silence him. "Jess, I said **get up**!"  
  
Jess flicked his cigarette into the water, brushed some stray ashes off of his pants and slowly stood up.  
  
"You…" Lorelai sneered. "Do you have any idea what you did tonight?!"  
  
He didn't look up. He stared intently at his feet, his hands in his pockets.  
  
"Jess. For gods sake, look at me!" She shouted at him.  
  
He finally looked her in the eyes and she was visibly taken aback by what she saw. He had tears in his eyes. She tried to shake it off. She didn't want to feel sorry for him or feel pity. She didn't want to regret her harsh tone or drop her tirade against him. But she felt herself soften.  
  
He was just a kid. He was scared and ashamed and at that moment he looked so small to her, that she couldn't bring herself to say anything.  
  
"I made sure she was ok." He said, his voice uneven. His usual cocky attitude was absent. The walls were down.  
  
He looked away. Lorelai opened her mouth to speak but couldn't remember what she had wanted to say.  
  
She swallowed hard and folded her arms defensively across her chest.  
  
"Stay away from my kid." She said quietly, her voice unsteady.  
  
She turned, and walked back past Luke and away from the bridge. Jess ran his hand through his hair and sat back down.  
  
"I made sure she was ok." He repeated. His voice seemed even smaller to Luke than it had been before.  
  
"I know you did." Sighed Luke, sitting beside his nephew.  


* * * * * 

  
He knew what he'd done. It was an accident, and that was the truth. He hadn't intentionally crashed her car. He hadn't meant to hurt her. He never meant to hurt her.  
  
He remembered they were talking. She'd told him he needed to loosen up. Stop trying to act like 'the bad ass rebel she knew he wasn't'. He'd told her she should listen to her own advice and take herself less seriously some times. At which point she'd pulled one of the silliest, but most amusing, faces he'd ever seen. He'd told her that he wanted to retract his last statement if it was the reason she'd turned into Annette Hargrove.  
  
She'd hit him. Not hard, just playfully. He'd turned to look at her, to give her the most wounded look he could manage. She'd been laughing… and then she'd looked at the road and shouted at him to look out.  
  
He didn't know what it was. A raccoon. Or a possum. Or maybe a mutant rat of some kind. It had run out into the road and his first instinct was to swerve. So he did.  
  
Then they hit something. A pole or… something. He didn't remember. He did remember her crying out in pain, and his desperate attempts not to panic while every part of him was freaking out. He hadn't wanted to leave her. But she needed help and he had to find a phone.  
  
So he ran to the nearest pay phone and called 911. She'd kept telling him she was fine, and that it wasn't his fault. She'd been so calm.  
  
She was so calm.  
  
His eyes had adjusted to the dark while he'd been standing there, thinking. He could see her now. Calm. Peaceful. He imagined her whole life had probably been peaceful until he'd come along and made as big a mess as he could.  
  
He hadn't intended to make a mess of her perfect existence. He hadn't looked at her and thought, "She needs ruining." He'd looked at her and thought about how he'd never seen anyone who appeared to be so outwardly wholesome in his whole life.  
  
He'd never imagined she'd turn out to be the person she was. He thought she'd be some small minded, small town girl. Everyone else in Stars Hollow hated him. He knew he'd given them reason. But she was the only one to see past it. They called him a Hoodlum, because that was all they saw. She called him Dodger. She saw more than the rest of them put together.  
  
She was the only one who bothered to try. And that's why he listened when she reprimanded him. He'd never let her know she influenced him. But she did.  
  
And he'd repaid her by causing trouble for her. He'd caused her to fight with her mother, her boyfriend… And all because he couldn't just stay away from her when they told him to. He didn't even know if he could've stayed away if _she'd_ told him to.  
  
No one had to tell him anymore though.  
  
He glanced at Lorelai. She was sleeping in the chair at the foot of the bed. He knew he was dead and buried if she found him in her daughters room. But so far she hadn't stirred.  
  
He made his way quietly to Rory's nightstand and set a book down on it. He looked down at her, at the cast on her arm. He sighed.  
  
He left just as quietly as he'd entered.  


* * * * * 

  
"Where've you been?" Luke frowned at him as he entered the apartment.  
  
"I had something I needed to do." He sighed, putting the last of his books in a bag.  
  
"You don't have to do this you know." Luke said as reassuringly as he could.  
  
Jess looked at the bags on his bed and nodded to him self.  
  
It was for the best. It would make things easier on Luke. On Rory.  
  
He wasn't going to be welcome in Stars Hollow anymore, anyway. He was surprised that Taylor hadn't led a campaign against the diner already. Windows smashed, pitchforks raised, torches burning. Hunting him down. Seeking him out. Forcing him out of Stars Hollow like some kind of desperado. That was all he was to them. Maybe, he thought, that's all he was. Period.  
  
"Do you want me to call your mom?" Luke asked.  
  
"No." He said quietly, picking up a few of the bags.  
  
Luke picked up the last two and he and Jess shared a brief glance.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah." Jess looked around the apartment and then down at his bags. "I'm sure."  
  
"Ok." Luke sighed deeply. "Lets go then."  
  
Jess walked ahead of Luke out of the apartment. Luke watched him leave. He didn't know how to feel. It wasn't as if he'd _wanted_ Jess to come live with him in the first place. Jess hadn't be the worlds greatest nephew, house guest, employee… But he'd been company. Something Luke would miss. They hadn't exactly hit it off but they didn't hate each other. Half the time Luke didn't know if he was coming or going. But Jess was family. He'd promised he'd care for him. Make sure he was ok.  
  
He felt he'd failed at that. He'd let Jess down. He'd let Liz down. He'd let Lorelai down. He'd let down too many people to name.  
  
He sighed and glanced at Jess's bed. The empty shelves where Jess's books had been sitting only hours ago. The table that was usually covered in CD's, was clear for the first time in months.  
  
He followed Jess out of the apartment and closed the door behind them. 


	2. I Wanna Feel Just Like Before

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter. Especially LitJJAiken, Tye (Dayum!), Jayde and ILoveJess. I'm so glad you liked it, although with reviews that nice at the very start, I now get to worry more about disappointing you all. lol

*~*~*~*

Lorelai dumped some more blankets at the end of Rory's bed.  
  
"Mom, no more!" Rory pleaded.  
  
"You need to rest." Lorelai insisted.  
  
"Blankets don't help you rest." She pointed out.  
  
"Yes, but they make you warm, which makes you snuggly, which makes you sleepy, which helps you rest." Lorelai grinned.  
  
Rory stared at Lorelai for a moment and then shook her head.  
  
"I give up. If making me a nest will make you happy…"  
  
"It will."  
  
"Fine." Rory sighed, allowing Lorelai to drape more blankets over her.  
  
She got the feeling something had happened that Lorelai wasn't telling her about. She didn't know what. She wasn't sure she wanted to know either.  
  
Lorelai had been upset last night, that had been obvious. She'd tried to hide it at the hospital for Rory's sake. But Rory knew her too well. She'd sworn that she hadn't left the hospital and done anything she'd regret later, but Rory still wondered. Her mother was one to act on impulse. And when it came to Rory all common sense flew out of the window.  
  
"Ok… I'm going to go to Luke's." Lorelai sighed, her smile fading slightly.  
  
"I can come."  
  
"No, you're wounded. You need to stay in bed."  
  
"I have a fractured wrist. I can walk. I'm not contagious. I wanna' come." Rory pouted.  
  
"You just, rest up. I'll go get breakfast and bring it back."  
  
"But…"  
  
"Shhh! Mommy is enjoying playing Nursie." Lorelai said with a nod for emphasis.  
  
"Mouth is open Nursie, should be shut." Rory smirked, putting on a high pitch posh English accent.  
  
"Ha ha. You and … your quirky Queenie ways." Lorelai said with a playful glare, pointing her finger at Rory.  
  
"Why can't I go to Luke's?" Rory pestered.  
  
"Because, you need your bed rest, sweet one." Lorelai smiled, patting her daughter on the head.  
  
Rory scrunched her nose up and moved her head away.  
  
"What aren't you telling me?"  
  
"Um… That your father is actually Sting?" Lorelai offered.  
  
"Aside from that disturbing piece of information."  
  
"That… the earth is flat?"  
  
"Nope, there's something else." Rory sighed, eyeing her mother suspiciously.  
  
"Well, if it's not that I used to be John Cleese, then I don't know what it is."  
  
"Fine, go." Rory said, waving Lorelai away.  
  
"I'll be back as soon as I can." Lorelai promised.  
  
Rory watched Lorelai leave and rested back against the mountain of pillows she'd had made for her. She looked through the stack of CD's beside her but didn't see one she felt like listening to. She glanced at the phone and considered calling Lane. Or Dean. Or maybe Jess. But she didn't know what she'd say to any of them.  


* * * * * 

  
As Lorelai entered the diner Luke looked up from the coffee he was pouring.  
  
"Hey." She said timidly, giving him a small wave.  
  
"Hi." He nodded, half smiling back at her.  
  
"Can I talk to you?" She asked, following him back over to the counter.  
  
"Sure, what's up?" He asked, returning the coffee pot to its holder and giving her his full attention.  
  
"Not here. Can we…" She pointed over to the stairs.  
  
"Uh…" He sighed and looked around.  
  
The diner wasn't very busy, and Caesar could definitely handle it alone. He had no excuse.  
  
"Sure."  
  
Lorelai smiled gratefully and they both headed over to the stairs and up to the apartment.  
  
"So, what's on your mind?" Luke asked as he opened the door and let them inside.  
  
"I just wanted to apologize to you. I don't really recall a whole lot about last night." She said, looking down at her feet as she shifted uncomfortably from one to the other. "I just have a feeling that, in my blind rage against Jess, I may have said some things to you that I didn't mean."  
  
"It's ok." He said with a small smile. "I don't really recall a lot of what you said either, so I'm not offended."  
  
"Good." She chuckled.  
  
They fell into a semi comfortable silence and Lorelai looked around the room, her eyes falling on Jess side of the apartment. She frowned and slowly walked towards it.  
  
"Ok, again, I don't remember a whole lot about last night… but… wasn't there stuff over here." She asked, gesturing to the shelves and table.  
  
"He's gone." Sighed Luke.  
  
"Oh." Said Lorelai, unable to hide her surprise.  
  
"It's for the best." He said with a small shrug.  
  
"Luke… I didn't mean for you to send him away I…"  
  
Lorelai suddenly felt very ashamed. The image of Jess from the pervious night flashed through her mind. He was just a kid.  
  
"I didn't."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"He wanted to go."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
They were silent again. Neither knowing what to say. After a few minutes, Lorelai spoke.  
  
"I guess I should be going. I just wanted to… apologize."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Ok. So… You'd better get back down there. You're no good to me if you're not making pancakes." She chuckled.  
  
"Ah." He nodded. "And her motive becomes clear."  
  
"Crystal." Grinned Lorelai.  
  
Luke started towards the door and, after stealing a final glance at the sparse area of the apartment that used to be Jess's room, Lorelai followed.  


* * * * * 

  
He hesitated for a moment before knocking on the door. He was tired. He didn't want to deal with her. After stalling to look around him, shift one of his bags off of his shoulder and contemplate having a cigarette before going in, he knocked.  
  
"I said I'm not interested…" Liz opened the door, looking irritated. Her expression changed to one of surprise and she took a step back. "Jess."  
  
"Hi."  
  
"What's going on?" She frowned as he walked past her and headed straight for his room.  
  
"I'm back."  
  
"I see that. I'd like to know why. I'd also like to know why no one bothered to tell me you'd be coming." She said, closing the door and following him.  
  
"It was a very spontaneous decision." He replied dryly.  
  
"So what did you do this time?" She sighed in disappointment.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Oh, right. So Luke just sent you home for being the best nephew a guy could ask for?"  
  
"I'm tired. I haven't slept in over 36 hours."  
  
"Good for you. Why are you home, Jess?" She demanded.  
  
"Can we talk about this later?"  
  
"No. Look… I gotta' go to work soon, so… just tell me."  
  
"You go to work, I'll sleep. We'll talk later." He practically ordered, trying to close his bedroom door on her.  
  
"Jess, talk to me!"  
  
"Look… I messed up and I asked Luke to let me come home."  
  
"He didn't send you home?"  
  
"Not the way you're thinking, no."  
  
"So what happened? What did you mess up?" She asked, losing her battle to keep the door open.  
  
"Everything." He sighed, leaning his back against the door and finally closing it.  
  
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  
  
"Jess?" Liz called from the other side of the door.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'll see you when I get home."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"And Jess?"  
  
"Yeah?" He replied, starting to get annoyed.  
  
"Welcome home, baby." She said gently before walking away.  
  
He rolled his eyes at the word 'baby'. He hated it, but she often referred to him as her baby and had done since he was a child. She showed no signs of dropping the habit any time soon.  
  
He looked around his room. His bed had no sheets on it. It was just a mattress and a frame, a pile of neatly folded blankets sitting at one end.  
  
Jess walked over to it and sat down. He was home. But it didn't feel the same. He moved back on the bed and laid down, not bothering to put the sheets on the mattress.  
  
He fell asleep.  


* * * * * 

  
Rory watched in amusement as Lorelai unpacked their breakfast.  
  
"Why did you get this?" She frowned, peering into a box and shaking the contents around. "What is it?"  
  
"I'm not sure. I just got one of everything on the breakfast menu… I didn't know what you'd want."  
  
"Pancakes would have been fine." Rory chuckled, sipping her coffee.  
  
"But what if I'd brought you pancakes and I'd had waffles, and you'd decided you wanted waffles?" Lorelai pointed out.  
  
"Then we could have shared."  
  
"What if I didn't want pancakes, and I wanted all my waffles? Or what if I'd had eggs and you'd wanted eggs. Or French toast. Or a grapefruit..."  
  
"Ok, you win." Rory smiled.  
  
"I love it when I win." Lorelai giggled.  
  
"So, how's Luke?"  
  
"Good." Lorelai shrugged. "Wh- Why wouldn't he be good?"  
  
"No reason…" Rory replied, confused by her mothers sudden nervousness. "I just… haven't been allowed out into the world today. I usually see Luke every morning. So I wanted to make sure that the one morning where I didn't see him, he was still ok."  
  
"Well he's ok." Lorelai said quickly.  
  
"Well ok." Rory frowned.  
  
"When does Dean get home?" Lorelai asked, trying to change the subject.  
  
"Tomorrow." Rory sighed. "Mom, is there something going on that I should know about?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Mom!"  
  
"No." Lorelai took a deep breath and forced a smile. "Nothing to worry your pretty little head over."  
  
"Ok, now I'm worried and insulted. Stop patronizing me."  
  
"I'm not!"  
  
"I'm a big girl. I can take it. Just tell me what's going on."  
  
"Nothing! Nothing is going on!" Lorelai insisted defensively.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"I swear. Nothing." Lorelai managed to say convincingly.  
  
"Ok." Rory said quietly. "Sorry."  
  
"Forgiven." Lorelai smiled, sitting on the edge of Rory's bed and handing her the box with pancakes in.  


* * * * * 

  
Rory finally managed to track Lorelai down in the audience at the Stars Hollow Movie Festival. She took her seat and turned her attention to the screen.  
  
"Oh my lord!" She gasped quietly.  
  
On the screen in front of them Kirk was dancing, badly.  
  
"Quick, cover your eyes! You're just a child, you shouldn't have to see this!" Lorelai insisted, holding her hand up over Rory's eyes.  
  
"He's taking his shirt off!" Rory cringed, pushing Lorelai's hand away and watching in disbelief.  
  
The film ended and the very confused and stunned audience applauded.  
  
"I did the choreography!" Miss Patty chuckled proudly to Lorelai and Rory.  
  
"Mm." Lorelai smiled back, trying to contain her laughter.  
  
"Patty, doll, come here!" Babette called eagerly from across the aisle.  
  
"I'll see you later."  
  
"Bye Patty." Lorelai said cheerfully as Miss Patty left. "So, how are you feeling?" She asked Rory.  
  
"Haunted by the sight of Kirk's bare chest!" Rory exclaimed, looking nauseated.  
  
"No!" Came Miss Patty's shocked voice from the seat next to Babette, causing Lorelai and Rory to look over.  
  
"I swear to God!" Babette insisted.  
  
"When?"  
  
"Last night, not long after the accident happened, Luke walked him straight to the bus station, stuck the kid on a bus, sent him home to his mom!" Babette almost whispered.  
  
"I can't believe Luke would send him off like that." Miss Patty said, her tone still holding a hint of shock.  
  
"Well, I heard the kid wanted to go. I don't know. All I know is that Jess is gone."  
  
"Well, well, well. What will we do for entertainment around here?" Miss Patty asked disappointedly.  
  
"Beats the hell outta' me!" Babette replied.  
  
Rory felt tears sting her eyes. She wanted to cry right there in the middle of the Festival. But she couldn't. She wasn't supposed to care. So what if Jess was gone? It wasn't like he was the closest friend she'd ever had. And he certainly wasn't anything more than a friend. She had no right to cry. She had no reason to cry.  
  
But she wanted to.  
  
Lorelai felt uncomfortable. Rory didn't seem to care that she had already known. Either that or she hadn't figured it out yet. She couldn't bring herself to look at her daughter. She didn't see the disheartened look on Rory's face. She just stared straight ahead and tried to ignore the guilt she felt. It was small, but it was there. 


	3. I'm Going Back to The Start

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

This chapter contains an excerpt from **_Candide _**by Voltaire.

Thanks to Tye for telling me I suck and that this is the worst fic ever. It's much appreciated. lol. And to the other people who read and reviewed this fic, thanks for giving it a chance. 

*~*~*~*

"G'night." Rory sighed, heading for her room.  
  
"Hey, babe. You ok?" Lorelai asked, trying not to sound too concerned.  
  
"Fine." Rory nodded, forcing the biggest and most convincing smile she could muster.  
  
"Ok, well… don't go having nightmares about Kirk's dancing." Lorelai smiled softly.  
  
"I'll try not to." Rory said lightly, not sure if she was trying to convince herself or Lorelai that she was ok.  
  
"Night sweetie!"  
  
"Night mom."  
  
Rory took a deep breath once she was in her room. Alone. She closed her eyes. It'd been hours since she had heard about Jess leaving. It had been the longest 3 hours she could remember. She had just wanted to come home and curl up on her bed. But after the movie she had to sit thought Kirk's film again. And then Lorelai had insisted they get coffee at Luke's.  
  
She'd sat at the counter listening to Luke and Lorelai debating how much sugar in coffee was too much. Her eyes kept wandering over to the stairs. Her heart quickened when she was almost certain she'd seen movement. Almost certain she'd seen him.  
  
But it wasn't him. If there was movement back there that night, or the next morning, or the day after that, or the week after that… it wouldn't be him.  
  
Jess was gone.  
  
She felt a single tear roll down her cheek and she wiped it away quickly.  
  
"Stop it." She muttered to herself. "So he's gone. So what?"  
  
She let out a long unsteady breath and sat on her bed. She looked down at the bracelet on her wrist. Her Dean bracelet. She still had no idea how to tell him that the car was gone. That Jess had crashed it. Because that meant telling him she was with Jess. They'd been out driving in the car Dean built for her. Jess had been driving.  
  
She listened to the explanation over and over in her head. It sounded worse and worse each time. She could already see the look of disappointment and disapproval on Dean's face.  
  
The fact that Jess was gone would be consolation for him at least. He'd be glad to see him gone. And maybe it was for the best. Then she and Dean could start over, and rebuild everything they'd once had. She wanted that. She was almost certain she wanted that. She loved Dean. She was almost certain she did.  
  
She lay down, letting her head sink into her pillow.  
  
Jess was gone.  
  
Jess was gone.  
  
Jess was gone.  
  
It didn't seem to register. She couldn't help but think that she'd see him the next day. She'd be at Luke's having breakfast and he'd walk past her, giving her one of those mischievous smirks. The ones that left her wondering what he was thinking.  
  
Rory pushed herself up into a half sitting position and switched on the lamp beside her bed. As she pulled her hand back she knocked a book onto the floor. She reached down to pick it up, and frowned.  
  
It wasn't hers. She turned it over to look at the cover.  
  
**_Voltaire. Candide and Other Stories_**  
  
It looked worn. It definitely wasn't new. She wondered how she hadn't noticed it sitting there earlier. She was about to call out to Lorelai and ask if she'd put it there. But when she opened it, the familiar hand writing in the margins pushed that thought out of her head.  
  
It was Jess's book.  
  
She smiled widely. Her first genuine and heartfelt smile since she'd found out he was gone. She flipped through the Introduction, the Select Bibliography and the Chronology of Voltaire, until she reached the beginning of the first chapter.  
  
**_Candide, or Optimism._**  
  
Rory looked at the clock. It was almost midnight, and she had been ready to fall into a deep sleep. But with this book in her hands she found some kind of new alertness. And she began to read. Taking it all in at quite a speed, but making sure she remembered it all.  
  
Several times she cautioned herself when she turned the page and closed her eyes, finding herself lingering on the very faint scent of him that came from them.  
  
A lot of the notes he'd made seemed general, his thoughts on certain things. But some of the notes seemed more specific than others. Some of them made her wonder if he had written them _for_ her.  
  
_Cunegonde dropped her handkerchief, Candide picked it up. Innocently she took his hand, innocently the young man kissed the young ladies hand, and with quite singular vivacity, sensibility, and grace. Their mouths met, their eyes shone, their knees trembled, their hands strayed. Baron Thunder-ten-tronckh passed by the screen and, seeing this cause and this effect, chased Candide out of the castle with a number of hefty kicks up the backside._  
  
Her eyes wandered over to the margin.  
  
_Cause: Love. Effect: Loss? If there really is no effect without cause, then maybe there's no loss without love. Not significant loss, anyway._  
  
She read it a few times thoughtfully, and then continued with the rest of the story.  
  
_Life is full of struggles, but it would be unproductive if people submissively accepted whatever fate had in store for them, shrugging off their personal responsibility._  
  
That one had her thinking for a while, wondering if she spent too much time waiting for things to happen to her rather than making them happen for her. Had she shrugged of some kind of responsibility she had to herself? Did Jess think she had?  
  
She shook the idea from her head. It was stupid of her to even think for a second that he was trying to tell her something.  
She blamed the late hour for what she considered her insane and inappropriate thoughts, closed the book and switched off the light.  


* * * * * 

  
A CD case hit the window and bounced back onto the passenger seat of the jeep as Lorelai drove the 30 minutes from her business class in Hartford, to Stars Hollow.  
  
"Damnit, where are you?" She sighed, trying to focus on driving while looking for a CD.  
  
She had a sudden longing to listen to a particular song and she couldn't find the right CD. She'd checked several CD cases before looking in the proper case, the last place she expected to find it.  
  
She looked up and quickly swerved back onto her own side of the road before deciding it was safer to pull over and look.  
  
"Oh Miss Matthews, come out, come out where ever you are!" She called, peering under the passenger seat.  
  
Had she been looking for an empty box of cookies, some old lip gloss, a Dido CD or a handful of lint, she would have considered her search a success.  
She reached around into the backseat, groping aimlessly until her hand fell upon something that felt like a CD case.  
  
"I have you now!" She almost cackled, opening the Texas case and grinning at the sight of her Catatonia CD. "All chilled out and mellow are we, Cerys?"  
  
She slipped it into the CD player and skipped to the track that had been playing in her head all morning for no particular reason.  
  
"I put horses heads in peoples beds, 'cos I am the Mob!" She sang in her most convincing Cerys voice, starting the jeep and pulling back onto the road.  
  
Five minutes later she was pulling over to the side of the road again, cursing as her gas tank hit empty.  
  
"No fair! I only just filled you up!" She shouted in frustration, hitting the steering wheel for good measure.  
  
She sighed deeply and ran her hand through her hair, wondering what her best course of action would be.  


* * * * * 

  
"Luke's."  
  
"Burger boy!" Lorelai chirped into the phone.  
  
"I'm sorry, you have the wrong number." Luke responded dryly.  
  
"I need you." She whimpered helplessly.  
  
"I'm not bringing you coffee at the Inn. You want it, you come and get it."  
  
"I'm out of gas."  
  
"You're what?" Luke frowned.  
  
"Gas. I have none."  
  
"Tell it to the head of the Tums Corporation, I got customers to serve."  
  
"You're extra witty today Mr. Danes." She said in a warning tone.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"I'm out of gas! I'm stranded half way between Hartford and home and I think there's a psycho killer in the woods just over the road. He's leering at me Luke! I can feel it! He's going to get me! You have to save me!"  
  
"It's 4pm. I doubt he'll strike in broad daylight. You've probably got a couple of hours before he'll venture out to gut you. May I suggest you get out and start walking while you still have a chance?"  
  
"Luuuuuuuuuke!" She cried like a 5 year old.  
  
"Where are you?" He sighed impatiently.  


* * * * * 

  
Lorelai smiled as Luke's truck approached. He pulled over behind the jeep and got out.  
  
"Lorelai?" He called, waiting for her to join him.  
  
Lorelai rolled down her window and stuck her head out.  
  
"What are you doing?" He asked incredulously.  
  
"Fill 'er up, buddy!" She smirked.  
  
"I am not a gas pump attendant!" He sighed.  
  
"I can't get out. It's just what Boris wants!" She scolded.  
  
"Who is Boris?!" Luke asked in total confusion.  
  
"The psycho killer in the woods!"  
  
"You named him Boris?"  
  
"I think it suits him!" She nodded for emphasis.  
  
"Of course you do." He sighed, rolling his eyes. "Do you really expect me to fill your tank?"  
  
"Diiirty!" Lorelai chuckled.  
  
"You know what I mean!"  
  
"I know, I know." She smiled, getting out of the jeep and taking the gas canister Luke had brought with him.  
  
"Why did you try and drive home on so little gas anyway?" He asked, leaning against the jeep as she refilled the tank.  
  
"I wasn't paying attention. I'm getting ready for finals in my business class and… my mind was too full to process any new information."  
  
He nodded and continued to watch her.  
  
"Have you uh… heard from your sister?" She asked idly.  
  
"No."  
  
"Jess?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Not even a courtesy call to let you know he got home safely?" She frowned.  
  
"Nope, nothing."  
  
"I'm sorry, again." She said gently.  
  
"I know you are."  
  
"I know you were just trying to do the right thing by him. He's your nephew and you said you'd take him in." Lorelai sighed, looking down at the ground. "I shouldn't have been so hard on you."  
  
"I thought we already cleared all this up."  
  
"I know. I just still feel bad." She admitted. "Last week, when Rory found out Jess was gone, I think she took it pretty hard. And I felt like it was partly my fault, you know?"  
  
"They were getting to be good friends, I guess it's natural she'd be sad to see him go."  
  
"Yeah." Lorelai forced a smile. "Good friends."  
  
"If she wants, I could give her his number." Luke offered.  
  
"Uh…" Lorelai cringed inwardly. "Sure, I'll let her know it's available."  
  
"Good. I mean, she was a good influence on him. It'd be nice if that could continue in some way, even if it is long distance."  
  
"Yep." Lorelai agreed nonchalantly.  
  
She still didn't want Rory to have anything to do with Jess. She had felt bad for how she'd acted, but it didn't change the fact that Jess was a screw up in her eyes. He had crashed into their quiet lives and left nothing but destruction, before crashing his way back out again.  
  
She pulled the empty gas canister away from the jeep, screwed the cap back on and held it out to Luke, only to find him holding a cup of coffee out to her.  
  
"My hero." She beamed.  
  
"You're welcome." He smiled, exchanging the coffee for the canister.  
  
He waited for Lorelai to pull back onto the road and start driving before he followed, wanting to make sure nothing else went wrong on the way back to Stars Hollow, so he wouldn't get back to the diner only to find he had to turn around and come back out to the middle of nowhere to help her again.  


* * * * * 

  
Dean smiled as Rory animatedly regaled him with the tale of Kirk's movie.  
  
"And then he got up and said 'I love your daughter'…"  
  
"Poor daughter." Dean smirked.  
  
"And the scary father guy said 'Who are you to love my daughter? What do you have to offer her?'"  
  
"A toaster oven and a goldfish."  
  
Rory hit him on the arm playfully and continued.  
  
"And then Kirk's all 'Nothing. Only this…'"  
  
"And then the dancing started?"  
  
"And then the dancing started." Rory nodded solemnly.  
  
"Any chance it'll be available to rent?"  
  
"Doubt it. Taylor wasn't too pleased when Kirk's shirt came off. He said it made the movie PG instead of G."  
  
"It sounds like a 5 minute version of Dirty Dancing."  
  
"Hey! That's slander!" Rory scowled at him.  
  
"Insulting Dirty Dancing isn't slander, it's warranted!" He protested with a smile.  
  
"Oh really? Tell it to my mom and see how far it gets you. You'll be on boyfriend probation until you're 65!"  
  
"Your mom loves me." He chuckled.  
  
"She won't if she hears you criticizing one of her favorite movies."  
  
"I guess I shouldn't tell her how stupid I thought High Fidelity was then, huh?"  
  
"Oh my god. Who are you and what did you do with my boyfriend?" Rory gasped.  
  
"You already knew I hated that movie." He laughed.  
  
"Next you'll be telling me you hate David Spade and you only watched Chasing Amy because I asked you to!"  
  
"Well…"  
  
"Dean!" She gaped at him in disbelief.  
  
"Hey, I can't help it if I find David Spade annoying!" He smirked.  
  
Rory made a choking sound and placed her hand over her heart.  
  
"And I figured I'd just pretend to like Chasing Amy because it was only 90 minutes of my life I was wasting to watch it with you, and you liked it!"  
  
"I feel so deceived." She sighed dramatically. "You're a stranger to me!"  
  
"A stranger who still gets to come over to your house and kiss you though, right?"  
  
"Sure, sure." She nodded, a small smile playing on her lips.  
  
It had been almost a week since she'd told Dean about the car accident. At first he'd been upset. He'd wanted to know why she agreed to tutor Jess, and why she'd agreed to go for ice cream with him and why she'd let him drive her car.  
  
At least the truthful answers to those questions hadn't been so bad. She'd tutored him because Luke asked her to. She'd gone for ice cream because he'd promised to study if she did so. She'd let him drive so she could read him Othello instead of wasting valuable tutor time.  
  
He'd been about as satisfied with those answers as she'd expected he'd be. The fact that Jess was gone had made it all a lot easier. He'd just wanted total confirmation that Jess had really left Stars Hollow, and he hadn't mentioned it again since.  
  
She'd promised to make it up to him. Not just the car accident in which the car he'd built her from scratch had been returned to the junkyard, but everything. She knew that ever since Jess had moved to Stars Hollow, Dean had felt threatened. And she knew that she had, unintentionally, made it worse by hanging out with Jess when she knew Dean didn't want her too.  
  
But things were going to be different now. Jess was gone and she and Dean had an opportunity to rebuild their relationship and make things right again, and she had decided to make the most of that opportunity.  
  
Jess who? 


	4. Once Bitten, Twice Shy

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

Thanks to the Crazy Hacker who went to the trouble of signing into Tye's account and reviewing my fic. And to everyone else who's been reviewing this fic, I love that you guys are sticking with me.

*~*~*~*

"It's me! I'm here, your world is now complete!" Lorelai smiled widely as she stepped into the diner.  
  
"Praise Jesus, the center of my universe has once again returned." Luke deadpanned.  
  
"I want coffee. I want coffee in a big huge cup. A cup so big it may as well have nipples on it."  
  
"Excuse me?" Luke frowned at her.  
  
"Never mind." She smiled and waved the subject away with her hand.  
  
"I take from your almost indecipherable rambling about cups with nipples that you want a large coffee?"  
  
"It's so nice to have someone in your life who knows you so well." She sighed wistfully.  
  
"It must be scary to be the person who knows you so well." He replied, unable to stop a small smile appearing on his face.  
  
"I love how you and I are just so… connected."  
  
"We are, huh?" Luke asked skeptically.  
  
"Yeah, you know, like the way we finish each others sentences?"  
  
"We…"  
  
"Don't!" Lorelai grinned excitedly. "See! I knew you were gonna say that."  
  
Luke rolled his eyes, smiled a little and walked away to serve someone else.  
  
"Hey, you know what I'm thinking right now?"  
  
"Probably how much you love coffee."  
  
"No, actually. But close." She smiled and got off of her stool, following Luke around the Diner as he worked.  
  
"Then I give up, because I thought that was all you ever thought about."  
  
"I was thinking that it'd be so cool to have someone at my graduation who I could depend on to look totally bored and not at all proud."  
  
"Yeah? Good luck getting Michel to agree to go." Luke smirked.  
  
"See, I'd ask Michel, but I thought I'd have a better chance of getting you to say yes instead."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Come to my graduation? Pretty please?"  
  
"You want me to come to your graduation?" He frowned.  
  
"Pretty, pretty please with sprinkles and a cherry on top?" She persisted.  
  
"I dunno… when is it?"  
  
"Thursday at 7pm in Hartford." She smiled.  
  
"That's Caesars night off." He sighed.  
  
"Well… can't you ask him to switch nights or something?" She pouted a little.  
  
"I'm sorry, I… it's not like you'll miss me."  
  
"Ok." Lorelai sighed, obviously disappointed. "At least I asked."  
  
"Yeah. I appreciate the invite."  
  
"Ok. Well, I should get home, Rory will be back from Chilton soon."  
  
"See ya'." Luke nodded as she headed for the door.  
  
He paused for a minute, wondering why he'd said no before checking to see if Caesar would mind working that night. He watched Lorelai cross the street and head home and he felt bad. Her graduation was a big deal and he'd dismissed it like it was some stupid town festival.  
  
But every time something like this had come up in the past and he'd agreed to it, it had brought them closer. And every time they'd gotten closer something had come between them. Max, Chris, Rachel… Max. Again.  
  
He wasn't sure he wanted to find out who might come between them this time.  


* * * * * 

  
Sookie frowned as she listened to Lorelai recounting how she'd invited Luke to her graduation, only to be rebuffed.  
  
"So he didn't even say he'd try and be there?"  
  
"No." Lorelai sighed, sipping her coffee.  
  
"That's so weird. Luke adores you…" Sookie noted Lorelai's expression. "And Rory." She added quickly. "You're like family to him."  
  
"I just wanted everyone I cared about to be there."  
  
"Well Jackson and I will definitely be there."  
  
"I know, I'm so glad." Lorelai smiled softly.  
  
"Do you wanna go out to eat afterwards? Or I could make us all a big Graduation Dinner!"  
  
"That sounds great… are you sure it's not too much trouble?"  
  
"Not at all. I love making a fuss over things like this. It's what I live for." Sookie gushed, as she tasted some of the sauce she was making.  
  
"That, and Pie."  
  
"And Pie!" Sookie chuckled, waving a spoon in the air.  
  
Lorelai groaned and looked back down at a thick book she was reading.  
  
"I hate business." She grunted.  
  
"Look on the bright side, it's your final final this afternoon."  
  
"It is." Lorelai said, a grin spreading across her face. "By tonight I'll be a free woman!"  
  
"And you'll be more than qualified to start a business. Namely, an Inn!" Sookie added.  
  
They both looked over as Jackson appeared, carrying a large box of oranges.  
  
"Oh, good!" She beamed, wiping her hands on her apron and hurrying over to inspect her delivery.  
  
"Hello Jackson." Jackson said dryly. "Hello Sookie, how's work been today? Wonderful honey, but I missed you. Really, because I missed you too."  
  
"I missed you Jackson." Lorelai said lightly, smiling as Sookie sniffed and squeezed a few of the oranges.  
  
"They're too bitter." She sighed.  
  
"How do you know, you haven't tasted them!" Jackson cried out defensively.  
  
"I can smell it."  
  
"Yeah, well the look-out on Titanic said he could smell ice, and look how that turned out." He mocked.  
  
"Don't take it personally, sweetie." Sookie said gently, rubbing his arm.  
  
"How can I not. I've been singing show tunes to this batch for a week now. They should be at their best."  
  
"They are. They're at their bitter best." Sookie assured him. "I just can't use them."  
  
"I can. I've been looking for something to throw at Michel." Lorelai mused, picking up one of the oranges, throwing it up in the air and catching it again.  
  
"Lorelai, this graduation thing, is it formal?" Jackson inquired.  
  
"Uh yeah, but not top hat formal."  
  
"You can wear your suit you got for the rehearsal dinner." Sookie interjected.  
  
"But what if I get it dirty?" Jackson frowned.  
  
"We'll get it dry cleaned."  
  
"What if I spill something on it that won't come out?"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Acid."  
  
Sookie and Lorelai exchanged smiles and tried to take him seriously.  
  
"Well, in the event that you somehow spill acid on your suit at some point during the graduation ceremony, we'll get you a new one."  
  
"But it was on sale. It won't be on sale now, we can't afford it."  
  
"We'll manage, Jackson." Sookie chuckled.  
  
"You can borrow my little black dress if you want." Lorelai offered. "Always classic, never out of style."  
  
"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind." Jackson replied.  


* * * * * 

  
Luke sat on the couch and listened to the phone ringing for a while. He was about to give up and try again later when he got an answer.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I see your phone manner is no different from your regular attitude." Luke sighed.  
  
"I pride myself on being direct. I'm working my way up to telemarketer."  
  
"Good for you, I'm sure you'll achieve it."  
  
"I sure hope so, it is my only goal in life."  
  
There was a pause in the 'conversation'. Luke looked around his apartment and drummed his fingers on the couch.  
  
"So…. how are you?"  
  
"Good. Back to my old drug dealing, sex crazed, drunken ways. Taylor would be proud."  
  
"You sure don't waste any time." Luke rolled his eyes. "I was hoping you'd have forgotten how to do all of the above."  
  
"It's like riding a bicycle."  
  
"Only illegal."  
  
"I got over that minor qualm years ago."  
  
"Seriously though, how's it going?" Luke sighed.  
  
"Fine."  
  
"How's your mom?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
"You wanna' know how I am?"  
  
"Sure thing, uncle Luke! How's that empty little life of yours?"  
  
"Good, thanks for asking. I think that now you're out of my hair it may start to grow back." He said with a small smile.  
  
"Don't count on it."  
  
"Do you wanna know how Rory's doing?" He offered.  
  
"Ok."  
  
"She's doing ok."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"She has to wear a cast, but only for another week or so."  
  
"Huh."  
  
"I think she was disappointed that you left."  
  
"Huh."  
  
"You seem to have limited your vocabulary to 'huh', 'ok' and 'fine'."  
  
"You can't go wrong with that combination."  
  
"Sure." Luke sighed and looked at his watch.  
  
"Anything else you feel a pressing need to inform me about?"  
  
"Uh…not really."  
  
"Lorelai calm down yet?"  
  
"Yeah." Luke nodded to himself. "She's graduating from community college soon." He added and then wondered why.  
  
"Huh."  
  
"She invited me to go."  
  
"Lucky you. I'm quite possibly too jealous to talk to you right now."  
  
"Don't be, I said no."  
  
"Of course you did."  
  
"What does that mean?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Jess."  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"You think I should go?"  
  
"I think you're an idiot."  
  
"For saying no?"  
  
"Sure… among other things."  
  
"I don't have to take this from you."  
  
"You asked."  
  
"I regret doing so." Luke rolled his eyes. "I gotta get back to work. I guess I'll talk to you later."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Bye."  
  
Luke waited for Jess to respond, but after a faint grunt of acknowledgment that the conversation was over, Jess hung up.  


* * * * * 

  
"Hey now, if that's Mick Jagger, hang up and blow that whistle I gave you." Lorelai said, taking Rory's seat on the couch while Rory answered the phone.  
  
"Hello?" Rory said casually into the phone.  
  
"Hi."  
  
At the sound of his voice Rory's heart seemed to stop. She froze, wondering if it really was him or if she was imagining it. Wondering what he was calling for. Wondering what she should say to him.  
  
"Hello?" He asked when she didn't respond.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Is this a bad time?"  
  
"Um, no. Just, hold on a sec?" She said uncertainly, pulling the phone away from her ear. "Um… the music… uh, I'll be right back." She said meekly to Lorelai.  
  
Lorelai nodded, too drunk and engrossed in her 'Life Plan' booklet to really notice.  
  
Rory walked into her room and shut the door, her heart pounding twice as fast as usual, where before it had almost failed her. She brought the phone back up to her ear.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"You said that already." He noted.  
  
"I did. You're right. Sorry." She blushed a little.  
  
"So, what's up?" He asked lightly, wanting to hear her talk more.  
  
"Nothing. What about you?"  
  
"Same."  
  
"So, what have you been doing?" She asked curiously.  
  
"Nothin' much. Just hanging out… in the park, mostly."  
  
"Central Park?"  
  
"Washington Square Park." He nodded.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"It's cooler."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"It's where David Lee Roth got busted."  
  
"Right, right. I hope he's got it together now." She sighed, berating herself for not thinking of anything better to say.  
  
"Sounds like you got a party going on there." He frowned, wondering what she was doing. Wondering if she was alone or if Dean was there.  
  
"No, it's just me and my mom."  
  
"Right." He smiled a little.  
  
Rory and Lorelai were possibly the only people he knew capable of throwing a party for just themselves and making it seem like something ten times bigger.  
  
"Okay, well, I'm gonna go. This is long distance." He said, disappointed that he had to say goodbye.  
  
"Yeah, it is long distance." Rory sighed, the reality that he wasn't calling from Luke's hitting her again.  
  
"So, see ya."  
  
"Yeah… see ya." She replied quietly as the excitement of his call started to fade away.  
  
She switched the phone off and lay back on her bed. She didn't understand what she was feeling. It was a mix of excitement, disappointment, happiness, sadness, longing and most of all uncertainty.  
  
The call had lasted for only one minute. They hadn't talked about anything important. He hadn't asked her any questions she couldn't answer. And yet she felt like she was desperately searching for a response. Like he was still on the phone and waiting for her to reply.  
  
Most of all, she realized that he was in another city. In another state. Long distance. And she was feeling everything she'd felt when she'd first found out about his departure. 


	5. This Could Be a Case For Mulder & Scully

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

Thanks to Tye's evil twin, Rye. And also Starrychick90, blackrose, JCtigerwolf4e and Jayde for reviewing so much.

*~*~*~*

Paris was talking. Rory was sure it was important, or at least informative. When Paris talked it was usually one or the other. Or Both. And always longwinded.  
  
"I mean she was welling up at the end, but she had the decency to hold it in until I was gone. I have enough faculty recommendations to run for Student Council, so I don't need her anyway."  
  
Rory had completely tuned out at this point and, as Paris continued walking, Rory came to a gradual halt.  
  
"My lockers this way." Said Paris, not even looking to see if Rory was still following.  
  
If she'd been a cartoon, Rory imagined that a little devil would have appeared on her shoulder at that moment.  
  
'Go! Get on the bus! Go see him!' It said persuasively.  
  
Then a little angel would have appeared on her other shoulder, clad in a Chilton uniform, shining its halo.  
  
'Don't be an idiot! She has school.'  
  
'Shut up!'  
  
'You shut up.'  
  
'Jess.'  
  
'School.'  
  
'Jess!'  
  
'School!'  
  
'Jess!!'  
  
The angel looked conflicted and then shrugged.  
  
'Ok, I see your point.'  
  
'Of course you do. I'm right.'  
  
'I agree. Go see Jess, Rory!'  
  
Before the angel could change it's mind and try and talk her out of it, Rory hurried towards the gates of Chilton and out onto the streets of Hartford.  
  
What happened over the course of the next few hours was lost on Rory. She felt like she was in an episode of the X-Files. One minute she was stood in the Chilton courtyard, and the next she was stepping off of a bus in New York. She checked her watch to see how much time she'd lost, waiting for Mulder and Scully to hurry past her talking about aliens and 'signs'.  
  
Mulder and Scully failed to appear, so she assumed nothing supernatural had occurred, even if she felt like she was in a whole other universe. She was alternate universe Rory, doing things that normal Rory wouldn't even consider doing.  
  
It happened again. She lost more time between the bus station and Washington Square Park. She felt as if she was floating towards him, being propelled from the sidewalk to where he was sitting. She wasn't moving. She was almost sure she wasn't. Something was pulling her over there, like a paperclip to a magnet.  
  
"Hi." She said, a small smile playing on her lips, wondering how he'd react.  
  
Jess looked up from his book but didn't turn around. Part of him knew it was her. But another part of him was convinced something was playing a trick on him, and he would turn around to find she wasn't really standing there.  
  
After a very brief internal conflict, he decided that he had nothing to lose by turning around to look. Maybe his sanity, but he didn't feel he had a firm grasp on that anyway.  
  
He smiled up at her.  
  
"How're you doing?"  
  
"Good." She nodded. "How about you?"  
  
"Good."  
  
They smiled more at each other. The awkwardness of their phone call the previous evening was gone.  
  
"You hungry?"  
  
"Starved!" She admitted.  
  
"I know a place." He said casually, getting up from the bench he was sat on.  
  
The walked back towards the street together in silence, enjoying the lack of distance between them.  


* * * * * 

  
Lorelai felt like she was having an outer body experience. There she was looking through gowns to find one without wrinkles or mysterious stains and she could have sworn she saw Emily walk past.  
  
But it couldn't have been Emily. Emily didn't know about the graduation ceremony, and Emily wouldn't be seen dead at a community college without a good reason. Like a graduation ceremony.  
  
Curiosity got the better of her and she headed in the direction she'd seen Emily's long lost twin going.  
  
When she walked into the main hall to find Emily scolding a man she didn't know, she thought she might pass out.  
  
"Mom…?"  
  
"Lorelai! It's hours before the ceremony, what are you doing here?!" Emily asked in shock.  
  
"Um… I'm just… getting… uh…" Lorelai stammered for a moment and then shook her head. "I'm sorry, what are _you_ doing here?" She asked finally. "How do you even know about this?"  
  
"I shouldn't know about this? A mother can't know about this?"  
  
"No, I just mean - "  
  
"You're graduating."  
  
"I know." Lorelai replied.  
  
"So, we're here to see you graduate! This is Raul." Emily said, gesturing to the man setting up camera equipment.  
  
"Hey." She waved to him. "So, you and Raul are just here to see me graduate?"  
  
Before Emily could respond they were interrupted.  
  
"Lorelai?"  
  
Lorelai turned around and again felt like she was going to pass out.  
  
"Luke?! Wha- What's going on?" She frowned.  
  
"You're graduating."  
  
"So I've been told." Lorelai sighed, still feeling overwhelmed.  
  
"So, I'm here to see you graduate."  
  
"Really? Do you have a friend called Raul, too?"  
  
"Huh?" Luke looked at Emily to see if she was as lost as he was.  
  
"You're early." Lorelai sighed.  
  
"Do you want me to come back later?" He offered.  
  
Lorelai looked from Luke to Raul, to Emily.  
  
"Nope. Definitely not!" She said, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him towards the corridor. "See you later mom." She called over her shoulder.  
  
"Don't worry about a thing, Lorelai. Raul came highly recommended." Emily assured her.  
  
Lorelai forced a smile, nodded and kept walking, pulling Luke along behind her.  


* * * * * 

  
Rory and Jess said their goodbyes at the bus station. They spoke casually, but tension hung in the air around them. She felt the need to explain herself after telling him she needed to go. An explanation wasn't required but it gave them an extra 10 seconds or so together, and provided a jumping point for a short-lived addition to their conversation.  
  
As she stepped onto the bus and searched for a seat, Jess walked along the outside. He said something she couldn't hear from inside the bus, so she pushed open a window.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said, why did you come here?" He repeated.  
  
"Well…"  
  
"I mean, you ditched school and everything. That's so not you. Why'd you do it?" He frowned up at her.  
  
Rory had hoped to escape without having to answer that. She didn't even really know why she was there. There were bits of reasons floating through her mind, but nothing specific. She grasped at one.  
  
"Because… you didn't say goodbye."  
  
"Oh." He nodded. He seemed to accept it with a mix of understanding but also disappointment. "Goodbye, Rory." He smiled sadly.  
  
"Bye." She said timidly, a lot quieter than she'd meant to.  
  
They shared a final smile and glance before he turned and headed for the exit. She followed him with her eyes until the crowd and the bus blocked him from her view.  
  
She pulled the window closed and settled down into her seat. She pulled a book out of her bag and opened it, but her concentration was erratic and she couldn't make any sense of what she was reading.  
  
When she looked up, a couple across the aisle from her was kissing quite passionately. She looked away quickly, feeling like she was invading their privacy even though they were in a public place.  
  
She looked out of the window and saw another couple kissing each other goodbye, seemingly unable to tear them selves apart.  
  
As Rory walked quickly down the sidewalk, weaving her way through the crowded street, she tried to figure out the exact moment she'd lost control of her own body.  
  
She remembered watching the couples kissing. That's when she'd felt some kind of itch. But it was some kind of internal, emotional itch, and she couldn't just scratch it to get rid of it.  
  
She'd gotten up and walked to the front of the bus, looking back and forth between the door and her seat. Then she'd seen the couple outside the bus kissing again.  
She had asked the driver when they'd be leaving and he'd told her they were delayed because of an accident.  
  
She thought that was it. Like the delay was a sign. She'd been given a second chance.  
  
She quickened her pace from a walk to a run, back tracking from the bus terminal to Washington Square Park.  
  
She didn't have to go far. After only a few blocks she saw him in the crowd and her heart skipped a beat. He seemed to be walking at a reasonable pace, his jacket slung over his shoulder. It made her realize that the eternity she'd spent sitting on the bus after their goodbye had only been a few minutes.  
  
She grabbed his arm and he turned around, surprised to see her. As a smile started to play on his lips, she covered them with her own. Reaching up, she pushed his hand away from his shoulder, wanting him to forget whatever it was he was holding, and hold her instead.  
  
After a very brief moment of astonishment, Jess responded to both the kiss and her touch against his hand, letting his arm drop. His jacket fell from his grasp and landed on the sidewalk as he put his arms around her and pulled her closer.  
  
Rory savored the kiss, aware that she'd never felt anything so intense in her almost 2 year relationship with Dean. And knowing she wouldn't again for however long it took her to find a guy who filled her with as much passion as Jess did. If there was a guy out there who could.  
  
She pulled back, and he held her lightly at the elbows, staring at her in bewilderment.  
  
"Goodbye, Jess." She said, with finality in her tone, offering him the same sad smile he'd given her before and slipping **_Candide_** into his hand.  
  
She turned and ran back towards the bus station, leaving him stood on the sidewalk, lost in the crowd, wondering if he was even awake.  


A/N: That was their kiss from **A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving **(maybe a _little_ more passionate). I liked it so much I just had to use it. I just replaced Jess's trash bag with a jacket. lol


	6. A Long Long Way From Yesterday

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

Thanks to all the people who review this fic every time I update and also to the people who reviewed the last chapter. I really appreciate the support!

*~*~*~*

Lorelai looked up and down the corridor and then down at her watch.  
  
"She'll be here." Luke reassured her.  
  
"But the ceremony starts in like 10 minutes." Lorelai sighed, ready to give up.  
  
"Honey, she wouldn't miss this." Sookie said supportively.  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure she's just stuck in traffic or… maybe there was an accident." Jackson interjected.  
  
"Accident?" Lorelai asked, looking at Luke in a panicked daze.  
  
"Jackson, sweetie, that's not helpful." Sookie said quietly, shaking her head.  
  
"What if he's right? What if she's hurt!" Lorelai asked, gripping Luke by the arm.  
  
"I can't speak for Rory, but… Ow!" Luke said, pulling his arm away.  
  
"Lorelai, I'm sure she's fine. Just… take a few deep breaths, and clam down."  
  
"I can't calm down Sookie. I lost my kid!" Lorelai said, running her hand through her hair.  
  
"Graduates, please take your seats."  
  
Lorelai spun around looking towards where the announcement had come from.  
  
"I have to go. They're starting. They're starting and she's not here."  
  
"She'll be here." Luke repeated, ushering Lorelai towards the main hall.  
  
"Promise?" Lorelai sighed.  
  
"I promise."  
  
"If you're wrong, can I have a lifetime supply of free coffee?" Lorelai asked hopefully.  
  
"Sure." Luke said with a roll of his eyes.  
  
"Huh." Lorelai looked thoughtful. "Now I kinda hope she's a no show."  
  
Sookie chuckled and followed Jackson to their seats.  
  
"Tell me I look fabulous." Lorelai insisted, brushing imaginary dirt off of her robe.  
  
"You look like an extra in a Harry Potter film." Luke deadpanned and she hit him before making her way to her seat.  
  
Lorelai looked around her and everything seemed to play out in slow motion. This was it. She was graduating from college, something she hadn't been able to do along side everyone she grew up with. Something she was doing alone, on her own terms, in her own time. Her parents were there. Her best friends were there. But her daughter wasn't.  
  
She took her seat in the sea of caps and gowns and the glowing faces of her fellow students.  


* * * * * 

  
Rory rested her head back against the seat and let out another deep sigh as the bus made it's penultimate stop before Hartford.  
  
"Don't you just hate the local?" Said the man in the seat beside her.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"The local. Stops here. Stops there. Stops everywhere is can on its way to the stop you actually want." He sighed, closing his eyes.  
  
"Yeah. I noticed." She mumbled, looking down at her hands and forcing herself not to cry.  
  
"You're late for something too, huh?" He asked with a half smile.  
  
"My mom, she's graduating from business school tonight and I'm supposed to be there. And I'm not."  
  
"Yep. That's the local for ya'. It'll make you late time after time, until finally you don't have a friend left in the world, 'cos they all gave up on ya' and went home." He said bitterly, shaking his head in disgust.  
  
Rory closed her eyes tightly, hoping beyond hope that her mother hadn't given up on her yet.  
  
The bus lurched forward again, and Rory was brought forth from her discouraged reverie. Realizing her stop was next she started to gather up her coat, backpack and book, eager to get off of the bus. So eager in fact, that she was standing at the front of the bus for 3 minutes before if rounded the corner and started down the street towards the college.  
  
"You really should be seated, miss." The driver instructed her, obviously not bothered enough by her lingering presence to force her to sit down.  
  
"Are we going as fast as we can?" She asked, peering through the window at the dark street ahead of them as it disappeared under the bus.  
  
"Are we going at the speed limit for this area of town? Yes."  
  
"Are we almost there?" Rory asked urgently.  
  
"Almost where? You need to use the bathroom or something?" He chuckled, taking a sideways glance at her.  
  
"The college. Are we there yet?"  
  
"Hartford Community College?" He frowned. "We're not stopping there tonight, miss."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Next stop is the down town station." He informed her casually.  
  
"Stop the bus!" She cried desperately.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Stop! Please! Stop the bus, I have to get off!"  
  
"I can't just…"  
  
"Please?! I have to get off here. My mom's waiting and it's one of the most important nights of her life! Please!" Rory begged, tears escaping from her eyes.  
  
"Ah, geez!" The driver took another look at Rory and rolled his eyes at her tears. "Nothing to cry over, girly!" He sighed, pulling the bus over at the side of the road and opening the doors.  
  
"Thank you!" Rory gasped, wiping her eyes. "You are my hero. They will write books about you. You are a wonderful man!"  
  
The driver laughed in amusement as Rory practically jumped from the bus, her backpack and coat trailing along the ground beside her as she ran in the direction the bus had just come from.  
  
She smiled and picked up speed when she saw the gates of the college and the lights coming from the main entrance.  
  
"Wait for me! I'm coming! Just wait!" She muttered breathlessly as she hurried across the busy parking lot and up the steps of the main building.  
  
"Excuse me… where's the…" Rory stopped breathlessly, dropping her belongings in a heap on the floor.  
  
"The… graduation?" Smiled the woman she'd stopped to speak to.  
  
Rory nodded and looked up, her eyes falling on a sign.  
  
**Graduation - Main Hall **  
  
"Nevermind." Rory smiled in relief.  
  
Leaving her bag and coat in a pile on the floor, she ran in the direction the sign was pointing. The sound of applause and names being called drifted through the air, getting louder all the time.  
  
She finally stopped in the open doorway of a large hall full of proud parents and excited graduates.  
  
"Joanne Garver…"  
  
She scanned the crowd, unable to tell one black-capped student from another. Her eyes fell on Sookie, Jackson, and Luke in the back row and she hurried over to them.  
  
"Hey sweetie!" Sookie exclaimed cheerfully, moving her bag from the seat beside her so Rory could sit down.  
  
"Did I miss it?" Rory whispered.  
  
"No. Your mom's still waiting to go up there." Sookie assured her, smiling at the obvious relief on Rory's face.  
  
"John Lawrence Gilfer... Lorelai Victoria Gilmore..."  
  
"That's her! That's mom!" Rory beamed excitedly, craning her neck to see Lorelai approach the stage.  
  
As she made her way up the steps of the stage, Lorelai was almost fearful to look out into the audience. To see, what she expected to be, the indifferent expressions on her parents faces. To see her daughter hadn't made it. To see Raul pointing his camera in her face, making sure he captured every second of disappointment during one of the most important moments of her life.  
  
She decided she owed it to her friends to at least glance in their direction and so, with diploma in hand she turned to face the crowd.  
  
The indifferent expressions on her parent's faces looked remarkably like pride. Her mother's eyes seemed to be shedding tears. Her father's lips seemed to have formed a smile. And her eyes and lips began to do the same.  
  
A sharp whistle from the back of the room caused her to look up. There stood Luke, Jackson, Sookie and Rory. Luke, being the one responsible for the whistle, was now applauding heartily. Looking prouder than she'd ever seen him.  
Sookie was on the verge of tears, but still clapping wildly, tugging on Jackson's arm every so often and pointing at Lorelai.  
  
Her eyes finally alighted on Rory. Her daughter. Her pride and joy. Clapping louder and smiling wider than anyone in the room.  
  
Lorelai grinned and waved her diploma around a little, inciting more applause and whistling from her gathered friends.  
  
In one simple but significant move, she relocated her tassel from one side of her cap to the other and made her way off of the stage.  


* * * * * 

  
The passenger side door of the jeep opened and Lorelai almost fell out.  
  
"Easy there." Chuckled Luke, switching off the engine and getting out to help her. "It's not every day you consume half your body weight in Martini's, maybe you should take it at a slightly slower pace."  
  
"I am a diplomat!" Lorelai announced proudly, allowing Rory and Luke to lift her out of her seat.  
  
"No, you're a graduate." Rory smirked.  
  
"Hey. Who's the one with the diploma here, lady, you or me?"  
  
"Fine, you're a diplomat." Rory conceded, rolling her eyes.  
  
"You're drunk, is what you are." Luke smiled to himself as Lorelai wrapped her arms around his neck.  
  
"No. I'm Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth I am, I am…" She sang in a slurred, off key voice.  
  
"And since the second verse is the same as the first, I don't think we really need to hear it." Rory laughed softly, unlocking the door and moving aside so Luke could 'carry' Lorelai inside.  
  
"Hey! I am a diplomat, and I have a diploma to prove it!" Announced Lorelai, holding out her hand, and staring at it. "Oh no!"  
  
"What?" Frowned Rory, looking around her for the source of Lorelai's concern.  
  
"Where's my diploma?!"  
  
"You had to give it back, remember? They're sending them away to get scrawled on." Luke reminded her.  
  
"Ooooooh yeah." Lorelai nodded and smiled sheepishly.  
  
"Where should I put her?"  
  
"The couch is fine."  
  
Luke carried Lorelai over to the couch and gently helped her lay down. When he tried to stand up, she started to pull him back down.  
  
"Did you know, that I love you?" Lorelai smiled up at Luke, her eyes slowly closing.  
  
"I think you love everyone tonight." He sighed.  
  
"But I _really_ love you, Luke." She insisted in a tone so innocent and pleading that Luke almost let himself believe it.  
  
"Thanks for the help getting her inside." Rory smiled, leaning against the banisters of the stairs and watching her mother try and plant a kiss on Luke's cheek.  
  
Luke nodded and attempted to lift Lorelai's arms from around his neck.  
  
"That's alright." He stood up and looked down at her.  
  
Her fight to win a kiss from Luke had tired her out, and as soon as her arms were untangled from around his neck and had fallen to hers sides, she had fallen too. Into a deep sleep.  
  
"Think she'll be ok like that?" He frowned.  
  
Rory shook her head and smiled.  
  
"I think she's all liquored up and all partied out. She should be ok there until tomorrow."  
  
"Ok, well… Goodnight, Rory." He nodded and smiled, walking back over to the front door.  
  
"Night, Luke. Thanks again." She called after him before shutting the door.  
  
She walked back over to Lorelai and knelt beside her, brushing the hair out of her face gently, causing her nose to twitch.  
  
"Big day, huh?" She laughed softly.  
  
Lorelai let out a deep sigh and brushed her nose with the back of her hand in a very uncoordinated manner.  
  
"Goodnight, mom." Rory whispered.  
  
After kissing Lorelai on the forehead, she settled herself into a chair across the room, hugging a cushion and staring into the dark thoughtfully.  



	7. A Trace of Pleasure or Regret

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

Thanks to ILoveJess, JCtigerwolf4e, Tye, Arianna, sleepless-dreams, Leigh, Jaded Evie, LCI-02/03, mememe, Roganu-chan, airforcebrat529 and Jayde! I'm so glad so many of you seemed to enjoy the last chapter, so here's some more. :) 

*~*~*~*

It was beautiful. It was more than just beautiful. It was perfect. As Lorelai looked around her at the Inn and it's grounds she smiled and nodded in approval.  
  
Sookie and Jackson deserved this. They deserved the sunshine, and the smiles, and the pure magnificence of everything around them. The flower garlands, hanging from random tree branches and parts of the Inn's porch, blew gently in the soft summer breeze. They weren't even needed. It would still be stunning without them.  
  
"Mom, Michel's not coming out until you promise him there are no swans." Rory chirped, interrupting Lorelai's observation of her surroundings.  
  
"There's aren't any." Lorelai frowned.  
  
"What about the ones on the pond…" Rory asked.  
  
"Rory… sweetie… repeat after me. There aren't any."  
  
"There aren't any."  
  
"Good girl, now go tell Michel that very same thing." She smiled playfully.  
  
Rory rolled her eyes and chuckled, hurrying back inside.  
  
"You know, as a parent, you're supposed to set a good example to your child."  
  
Lorelai smiled wider and turned around.  
  
"And setting Michel up to be chased around by swans isn't setting a good example?" She asked innocently.  
  
"I never said that." Luke smirked. "But if you could find a way to do it without encouraging your daughter to lie for you, that might be better."  
  
"Noted." Lorelai said seriously, before allowing the smile to return to her lips. "So, I see you managed to drag yourself away from the diner?"  
  
"Well…" Luke shrugged awkwardly and turned away from her. "I thought that… you know… Sookie's kind of a… friend, and I was invited and… it'd be rude not to and…"  
  
"If you'd have read the invitation, you'd have noticed that only two excuses for your presence were necessary." She teased.  
  
"It's been a while since I've been to a wedding. I figured that if I wasn't related to the bride or groom then very little could go wrong." He smiled.  
  
"I'm glad you came."  
  
"You are?"  
  
Lorelai nodded and smiled more as she and Luke held eye contact for a moment longer than needed. An act they'd been practicing and improving quite a lot since her graduation.  
  
"Lorelai?"  
  
Reluctantly, she broke the stare and looked over at Dean.  
  
"Hey. Aren't we looking all suity today?" She smiled.  
  
"Well, it's a wedding right? At least it didn't require a top hat and tails." He chuckled. "Is Rory around?"  
  
"Yeah, she just went inside to try and coax Michel out."  
  
The sound of singing accompanied by a piano, drifted across the lawn of the Inn, and they all looked over to see where it was coming from.  
  
"Kirk can sing?" Lorelai sighed. "Should have known."  
  
"Want me to go and throw him in the pond?" Luke offered.  
  
"That'd be great." Lorelai chuckled, guiding Dean inside to find Rory.  
  
Luke smiled thoughtfully and watched Lorelai and Dean leave. After a moment she turned around and caught him watching her and felt a blush light up her cheeks.  
  
"What's going on there?" Dean asked, noticing the silent exchange.  
  
"Huh? Oh… nothing…" Lorelai shrugged casually.  
  
"Right. You constantly blush at nothing." He nodded, unconvinced.  
  
Rory hurried across the lawn, stopping and frowning as she looked around for her mother.  
  
"Rory, darl, when should we take our seats?"  
  
Rory spun around to see who had spoken to her, too distracted to recognize the voice.  
  
"Oh, Babette, hey. Uh… I'm not sure. Let me find out, ok?" She smiled politely as she resumed her search for Lorelai.  
  
"Thanks, hun. By the way, you girls look gorgeous!" Babette exclaimed enthusiastically to Rory's retreating back.  
  
Rory wondered what good one gorgeous bridesmaid was without a gorgeous maid or honor and a gorgeous bride. She finally spotted Luke, the last person she'd seen Lorelai talking to, and walked quickly towards him.  
  
"Hey Luke, have you seen my mom?"  
  
"Uh… yeah, she took Dean inside to look for you." He nodded.  
  
"I must have just missed them." She sighed and looked over at Kirk. "He can sing? I should have known."  
  
"I'm about to put an end to that, actually." Luke smirked.  
  
"Ok, I'll let you get back to… to… you know what? I don't want to know what you're about to do."  
  
"Probably best."  
  
They parted ways and Rory started back towards the Inn. As she glanced over at the pond she saw a figure. Almost a shadow really. Standing so far away and so concealed that no one else was taking notice.  
She frowned and stared at it for a minute. She couldn't see the face of the person, but all her senses told her they were staring right back at her. And she turned, heading towards the stranger, instead of towards the Inn.  
  
"Jess…" She almost whispered, her breath catching in her throat.  
  
"Hey." He said casually, with a gentle sigh, as if his presence there shouldn't surprise her at all.  
  
"Uh…" She stopped, her eyes locking with his. "What… uh… why…"  
  
"Insert full question here." He smirked.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"You look nice." He said sincerely.  
  
"Jess…"  
  
"You know, you could say hello?"  
  
"Hello."  
  
"Much better. You'd think that school of yours would teach you some manners."  
  
His laid-back attitude frustrated her. But her primary emotion at that moment was surprise, and it seemed to buffer her irritation.  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
"There's a wedding, right?" He asked nonchalantly.  
  
"No. I mean… yes. But it's invitation only."  
  
"Huh."  
  
"So… you should go now." She mumbled, wrapping her arms around herself, as if she was trying to protect herself from something.  
  
"Again, with the lack of manners."  
  
"Jess…" She sighed impatiently, looking around to see if anyone had noticed them.  
  
"You know, there's a simple solution to this little predicament we currently find ourselves in."  
  
"What predicament would that be?"  
  
"Well… I'm without an invitation. But I'm pretty sure you're not. And I'm willing to bet that your invitation says 'Rory Gilmore and Guest'." He smiled playfully.  
  
"It does. But I have a guest. I have a Dean. Dean is here. Dean is my guest. I'm here with Dean."  
  
"And the prize for 'most use of the name Dean in a conversation' goes to…"  
  
"This isn't a joke, Jess. You have to go before…"  
  
"Before what?"  
  
"Before…"  
  
"Before the wedding starts? Before your mom misses you? Before Dean sees us?" He offered with a shrug. "Or… before you kiss me again?"  
  
Rory's eyes instantly shifted to the grass beneath her feet.  
  
"Rest assured, I am in no hurry to kiss you again."  
  
"Really?" He asked, a hint of disappointment in his voice.  
  
"Really." She insisted as convincingly as she could, allowing her eyes to slowly meet his again. "You shouldn't be here."  
  
"Fine, I'll go." He sighed.  
  
"Not just here, as in the wedding. Here, as in Stars Hollow."  
  
"Good to see you, too." He shot back, trying to hide the ever growing hurt he was feeling.  
  
"What did you expect? That you'd show up and I'd throw a party? Cake, balloons and musical chairs."  
  
"You can leave out the musical chairs part…"  
  
"We said goodbye. And… I meant it." She stated quietly.  
  
"So why did you kiss me?" He asked.  
  
"Because… I… Because…" She sighed in frustration. "Because I just did. Ok? I don't know why. It was a slip. It was an error. It was…"  
  
"A kiss."  
  
"A goodbye kiss." She insisted.  
  
"I felt a lot of things in that kiss. Goodbye definitely wasn't one of them."  
  
"Well… that's not my fault. Because that's what it was."  
  
"You know what I think?"  
  
"No. What do you think?"  
  
"I think that you wanted to kiss me. Not a goodbye kiss but an actual kiss…"  
  
"You're wrong…"  
  
"We said goodbye, Rory. We said goodbye at the bus station. But then _you_ got off of the bus and came after _me_. _You_ kissed _me_. Now, why do you think that is?"  
  
"Because the first goodbye wasn't a goodbye."  
  
"Oh no?"  
  
"No. It was a pathetic goodbye. I meant to say it a lot louder, with a lot more conviction. But it didn't come out the way I meant it to. It wasn't a goodbye. If a panel of judges had been watching that goodbye, I would have been disqualified from the goodbye for making a mockery of goodbyes!" She declared in one breath.  
  
"So you came to find me and say goodbye with more conviction?" He frowned.  
  
"Right."  
  
"And the kiss…"  
  
"Could you please let that go?"  
  
"Nope. Not until you admit that it wasn't a goodbye kiss."  
  
"It was!"  
  
"You know what? I'm going to kiss you…"  
  
"Jess…"  
  
"I'm going to kiss you." He repeated a little louder. "I'm going to kiss you the way you kissed me. And then you can tell me exactly how much it says goodbye."  
  
Rory opened her mouth slightly to protest, but no sound came out. Jess smiled and stepped forward.  
  
"Jess…" Rory started quietly.  
  
She swallowed hard as she felt his fingertips brush against the bare skin on her arms, and she found herself leaning forwards, closing the gap between their lips a lot sooner than Jess had anticipated.  
He gently pulled her closer, and she didn't pull back. Both of them were aware as the replica 'goodbye' kiss started to wind down. But neither of them could pin point exactly when that kiss ended and the more eager 'welcome home' kiss took its place.  
  
Jess felt hands against his shoulders, and a sudden push. And without any further warning, his lips were no longer against hers.  
  
"What are you doing?!" She demanded shakily, as she tried to force some distance between them.  
  
"Kissing you…" He replied.  
  
"You had no right!" She insisted, backing away slowly. "You shouldn't be here. You shouldn't have kissed me!"  
  
"You kissed me too!" He almost shouted out of pure frustration.  
  
"No, I didn't!"  
  
"Oh really? So there was no reciprocation on your part?"  
  
"None!" She continued to argue, more concerned with convincing herself rather than him.  
  
Jess laughed quietly. Bitterly. He shook his head slightly, just looking at her.  
  
"You have to go now." She said quietly. "The wedding is starting and you have to go."  
  
"Yeah. I get that a lot."  
  
"The wedding is starting." She repeated, and hearing it the second time seemed to affect her like an alarm going off in her head. "The wedding is starting, and I have to go." She babbled, tears in her eyes.  
  
"Rory…"  
  
"I have to go…" She repeated to herself, turning and running away from him.  
  
He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed deeply.  
  
If he were an idiot, he would believe her. He would convince himself it was all in his head. Her feelings for him and the feeling of her, kissing him back. Just things he wanted so badly that he had managed to make them real in his mind. But he wasn't an idiot.  
  
Or maybe he was an idiot. Stupid for even thinking for a second that she could feel something for him. Or that she would disgrace herself by kissing him. Maybe he was an idiot for even getting on the bus back to this town, when all he'd wanted since day one was to get away from it.  
  
He clenched his fists.  
  
Why did she do this to him? Why was he always left to question his own mind? One minute he knew exactly what he felt, and exactly what he wanted. And then she'd come along and throw it all into chaos and then run away, leaving him to sort through the mess she'd made of his thoughts. Just trying to find one fragment of thought that made any sense!  
  
He looked over at the wedding. He could see the guests, all seated, waiting for the main event. And for a minute he thought he could see Rory and Lorelai. But then he decided it was just his imagination.  
  
Maybe everything was his imagination. And that's why he was always the one left standing alone, questioning his judgment. While she ran off to Dean.  


* * * * * 

  
"It was a beautiful wedding."  
  
"Yes, it was." Lorelai smiled politely.  
  
There was a fairly old woman standing in front of her. Lorelai wasn't entirely sure where she'd come from. She'd snuck up on her, and clasped her hands in her own, shaking ones. And now she was talking to Lorelai as if Lorelai were Sookie's mother.  
  
"The bride looked just gorgeous." She continued.  
  
"Oh, I know." Lorelai agreed. "And um… how do you know the bride?"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Sookie. How do you know her?"  
  
"Sookie?" Frowned the old woman.  
  
"The bride…" Lorelai continued, searching for any hint of recognition in the woman's eyes.  
  
"Where?" She asked excitedly, turning around quickly to see.  
  
"Never mind." Lorelai chuckled.  
  
She continued smiling to herself as she made her way through the crowd of guests. They were all enjoying themselves and nothing seemed to be going wrong. The wedding had gone off without a hitch… so to speak. And the afternoon looked like it was going to be a perfect one.  
  
The feeling of fingertips at her elbow caused Lorelai to spin around suddenly, torn from her reverie.  
  
"You were about to miss the cake." Luke smiled, holding a plate out to Lorelai.  
  
"Cake!" She exclaimed joyously, taking it and examining it with eager eyes. "It's just what I always wanted! How did you know?"  
  
"You say cake, you think Lorelai." He smirked and she laughed softly.  
  
"Awww… you even got me a bit with a little flower on it!" She gasped in awe. "It's the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"  
  
Luke chuckled as he watched her, eyeing the cake as if it were priceless art.  
  
"Rune thought so too." Luke leaned in and murmured to her. "That's why you have the cake and he's hog-tied in room 10."  
  
Lorelai laughed softly again, and Luke found himself staring. To him, Lorelai _was_ a piece of priceless art. And even better than some stunning painting hanging in a museum, she was ever changing. He never tired of looking at her.  
  
He got the distinct feeling that she was talking to him, but he missed whatever it was she was saying.  
  
"What?" He asked, trying hard to suppress a blush.  
  
"Do you want to dance?" She repeated with a soft chuckle.  
  
"Oh… uh…" This time the blush defeated him and he looked away. "I don't do the dance… thing."  
  
"Sure you do. Everyone does the dance thing!" She persisted.  
  
"I _can't_ do the dance thing."  
  
"Everyone can do the dance thing!" She smiled, putting her piece of cake down on a table and pulling him towards the dance floor. "Not everyone can do it well. But they can still try." She pleaded.  
  
"I'll break your toes…"  
  
"Then I'll get a wheel chair and you can push me around in it all day long." She grinned proudly.  
  
"I'll crush the bones beyond repair. It won't be pretty!" He warned.  
  
"I'll take my chances." She reassured him.  
  
Luke swallowed hard as they reached the dance floor and she pulled him closer.  
  
"We need to be within at least 10 feet of one another I think." She teased.  
  
"We're safer this way." He insisted.  
  
Lorelai rolled her eyes and gave up on trying to pull him towards her. Instead, she walked towards him.  
  
"Hey now, where are you goin'?" He asked nervously, taking a step back.  
  
"Come here!" She laughed, putting her arms around his neck. "I want a dance, and gosh darn it, I'm gonna get me one!"  
  
He relented. He had no other choice. After a minute of standing with his arms by his sides and her arms around his neck, Lorelai grew impatient, guiding his arms around her waist before returning hers to his shoulders.  
  
They swayed gently to the music for a while, and eventually Luke started to feel less tense.  
  
"This is… nice." He smiled slightly.  
  
"See? I told you!" She taunted playfully.  
  
Luke nodded, allowing him self to relax more as they danced, flanked by the other guests. But his brief calm was broken when Lorelai's head moved slowly towards his shoulder. At least, it seemed like it was moving slowly. Luke was almost sure he was just seeing in slow motion.  
  
Lorelai rested her chin on his shoulder, her cheek pressed lightly against his. She let out a contented sigh and Luke suddenly pushed her away.  
  
"What's wrong?" She laughed.  
  
"Uh…" Luke looked around quickly, trying to find a reason to excuse himself.  
  
He found something better.  
  
"Look…" He pointed away from the dance floor to a large tree by the pond. "Isn't that Rory?"  
  
Lorelai frowned at him and followed his gaze to the pond. He was right, it was Rory. And she looked like she was crying.  
  
"I'll be right back… I'm sorry…" She apologized.  
  
"Oh, no… don't apologize." Luke reassured her. Relieved that he could finally let out the breath he felt he'd been holding in.  
  
She walked quickly across the lawn, nodding and smiling as she passed other guests. Her pace slowed as she approached Rory.  
  
"Babe?"  
  
Rory didn't turn around. But her hands flew to her face and Lorelai could tell she was trying to wipe away any traces of tears.  
  
"Hey." Rory laughed softly and then sniffed.  
  
"Why are you crying?" Lorelai asked gently, putting a hand on Rory's shoulder.  
  
"Oh… I dunno." Rory continued to chuckle. "It's stupid. I just started crying."  
  
"Did something happen? Did you have a fight with Dean?" She asked gently.  
  
"No." Rory shook her head quickly. "I didn't realize I was a wedding crier."  
  
Lorelai was unconvinced, even through Rory was now flashing her the most persuasive smile she could.  
  
"I just… was standing here, thinking about the wedding, and how happy Sookie looked… and how pretty." She sniffed as more tears filled her eyes. "And how happy they're gonna be. You know?"  
  
"I know." Lorelai nodded.  
  
"And… it's just great. How these two friends can just… realize that they are so right for each other…" The tears spilled down her cheeks. "And that they're … they're just going to be so happy. Together."  
  
"I know." Lorelai chuckled softly as she pulled Rory into a comforting hug. "It's great. And we got to see them fall in love."  
  
"Yeah." Rory nodded and pulled back, wiping her eyes again. "It's so great. I'm just so happy for them."  
  
"And you're sure that's all?"  
  
"I'm sure. Totally sure. I'm just a wedding crier. You can tease me later." Rory nodded, tucking some hair behind her ear.  
  
"Oh, don't worry, I will."  
  
"So… how's the reception going?" Rory asked casually, trying to change the subject.  
  
"Good. I've been accosted by old people who don't seem to know who Sookie even is, and I've had cake…"  
  
"Oooh, cake!"  
  
"Yes! Luke battled Rune so I could have a piece with a flower on it."  
  
"That was nice of him." Rory chuckled knowingly.  
  
"Yeah. Then… Luke and I started dancing, but I came over to see you…"  
  
"You had Luke on the dance floor? And you jeopardized it for me?"  
  
"I love you that much, hun." Lorelai smiled, putting an arm around Rory and leading her back to the party.  



	8. You Can't Run Away From Yourself

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

Thanks to Tye, ILoveJess, blackrose, JCtigerwolf4e, AvidTVfan, Roganu-chan, mememe, Jayde, sleepless-dreams, Arianna and Katie. You guys are the best for reviewing so frequently.

And Sweetie, I believe your request for a 'Previously, On Gilmore Girls...' update has just been answered. ;)

*~*~*~*

Rory was proud of herself. All things considered, she'd done a really good job of convincing everyone she was completely fine. A little white lie and a big fake smile had everyone believing that her world was as perfect as always.  
  
She'd danced with Dean, laughed with Lorelai and done everything she thought was expected of her as a bridesmaid. She'd put on a good show. Going through the motions. And no one had questioned it.  
  
She pulled a book off of the shelf and the one it had been propping up, fell, sending a small cloud of dust into the air.  
  
Coughing a little, she waved it away and brushed some more dust off of the cover of the book.  
  
"Washington D.C: A Travelers Guide to the District of Columbia and Nearby Attractions."  
  
She spun around to see who had spoken.  
  
"Jess…"  
  
"You know… that doesn't exactly look up to date." He noted, looking over her shoulder at the book, but never at her.  
  
"Oh…" Rory looked down at it.  
  
It did look a little old. She opened it and looked for a date. 1989. She felt a small blush rising on her cheeks.  
  
"Here."  
  
Jess reached past her, his arm brushing against hers for a moment, causing the small hairs on the back of her neck to stand on end.  
He pulled another book off of the shelf and handed it to her.  
  
"21st Century Complete Guide to American Landmarks." She read. "Historic Washington DC Sites including the White House, Capitol, National Mall Monuments and Memorials, Arlington National Cemetery, Pentagon Building, plus National Historic Landmarks and Park Service Historic Places Nationwide with Great Travel and Vacation Planning Information."  
  
"Should keep you busy for at least one afternoon." He remarked casually.  
  
"Yeah. Should." She chuckled quietly.  
  
"Going on vacation?" He asked uncertainly.  
  
Rory cringed and turned around to face him. She wasn't going to tell him. She wasn't going to say goodbye. She didn't want to have the 'where are we now' conversation with him. That's why she was going away, to figure it out, so she'd be better prepared for said conversation!  
  
"Um… Paris and I, we got elected as Student Body President and Vice President." She blushed more.  
  
He didn't respond. He didn't seem surprised at all. He was waiting for her to tell him how Washington D.C travel guides came into it.  
  
"Anyway…" She sighed, looking back down at her book. "We have to go to Washington for the summer. Some Junior Leadership program."  
  
"Huh."  
  
"It's stupid, but… it's just something to put on my college application, you know? Along with my extensive hours of serving the community… teaching kids to read, feeding orphaned puppies… building death trap houses for the needy..." She babbled.  
  
"How long are you going for?" He cut her off.  
  
"Um… Six weeks." She nodded, unable to look him in the eyes. "Six weeks straight of me and Paris sharing a dorm room. Six weeks straight of me banging my head against a brick wall." She smiled, trying to make light of it. "Do not expect me to return a sane person with any ability to function in society as we know it."  
  
"Don't expect anything from Rory. Got it."  
  
His remark stung, and she almost physically recoiled.  
  
"So… I have to go." She said quietly, edging slowly towards the end of the aisle.  
  
"See you in six weeks." He sighed, heading back over to the 'Literature and Fiction' section of the bookstore.  
  
Rory watched him sadly. She didn't want to leave without clearing the air, but she didn't know what to say. All she'd managed to do so far was make it worse.  
  
"Jess?" She called out to him, wondering why.  
  
He turned around and looked at her, but didn't say anything. She stared at him for a minute, trying desperately to find a word or a set of words that meant anything…  
  
"See you in six weeks."  
  
She cursed herself as the words left her mouth. What was she thinking? She closed her eyes and sighed deeply. She reopened them slowly, dreading his reaction.  
  
He didn't say anything. He held her stare for a moment, nodded, and walked away.  


* * * * * 

  
Her vision blurred with tears as she fumbled to unlock the door, and finally, she dropped her keys.  
  
"Damnit!" Rory sobbed quietly as she bent down to pick them up. Once she was down, her body refused to stand up, and so she gave in and sank down against the front door.  
  
It was just the last in a long line of small things that had gone wrong since she saw Jess at the bookstore. She had to fight hard to stop herself crying the whole way home, and it wasn't as if her journey had been obstacle free.  
  
The worst thing to happen was running into Dean on his way to work. She'd had to put on a smile and pretend she was ok. He wanted to spend time with her. And she wanted to spend time with him too, she really did. But she felt as if she was screaming on the inside. All she wanted to do was run in the opposite direction as fast as she could. But her feet felt as if they were glued to the sidewalk.  
  
So she stood in place, with her fake smile, and nodded as he listed off things they might possibly do that evening. On any other day, renting a movie and ordering a pizza would have sounded like heaven. But today, heaven would be screaming at the top of her lungs, in hopes of letting out every last shred of confusion in her body.  
  
"Rory?"  
  
She looked up suddenly, surprised to see her mother standing in the now open doorway, a concerned expression on her face.  
  
"Mom… what are you doing home?"  
  
"I forgot the staff roster for next week." She said, holding up a piece of paper with a neatly planned out table on it. "Why are you sitting out here?"  
  
"I don't know." Rory sighed, making a half-hearted attempt to dry her eyes.  
  
She didn't even feel like trying to hide it anymore. She was too emotionally tired. Pretending she cared when she didn't. Pretending she didn't care when she did. Trying to keep up the Happy Rory façade so that no one would ask what was wrong, and she wouldn't have to lie.  
  
"I went to the bookstore." She started, gasping for breath softly.  
  
"Ok…" Lorelai stepped out onto the porch and sat beside her daughter.  
  
"And… I was just… looking, at books…"  
  
"That's what bookstores are there for…" Lorelai smiled gently.  
  
"And then Jess came over…" She continued, looking down at her hands.  
  
"Jess? Since when is Jess back?"  
  
"Since a few days ago." Rory sighed.  
  
"Luke didn't mention it." Lorelai frowned. "And I haven't seen him."  
  
"Maybe they're worried about how you'll react?" Rory shrugged and wiped her eyes again. "Anyway… it was awkward and I felt bad and things didn't go well… and then when I went to buy the book I realized that I didn't have enough money. I thought I grabbed a $10 but it was only a $1. But Andrew was nice about it and he said he knew he could trust me and said I could pay him back later."  
  
"Well… that was nice of him." Lorelai offered, rubbing Rory's arm gently.  
  
"Yeah. But I don't deserve nice. I don't deserve trust! And then I was crossing the street, and I wasn't paying attention and some guy nearly hit me with his stupid Beetle, and he started yelling at me." She sighed. "He was being so mean and… everyone was looking. And then I saw Dean and he wants to get together tonight. And I want to see him, but I just… I don't feel like it. But if I tell him that, he'll get upset and I don't wanna be in a fight with him…" She buried her face in her hands. "I'm a horrible person!"  
  
"Hey!" Lorelai pulled her into a hug. "You are _not_ a horrible person! You hear me? Now… what brought all this on? I refuse to believe it was some moron in a Volkswagen!"  
  
"I kissed Jess."  
  
"What?" Lorelai's mouth hung open for several seconds while she tried to think of an actual word that wouldn't make a minister blush.  
  
"I kissed Jess." She wept, fresh tears coming to her eyes.  
  
"At the bookstore?!"  
  
"No… at the wedding."  
  
"Wait… Jess was at the wedding? Why was he at the wedding?"  
  
"I think, because of me." Rory sighed, finally looking Lorelai in the eyes. "Because he wanted to see me."  
  
Lorelai stared at her daughter in disbelief, unable to grasp the fact that things hadn't been right for a while… and she hadn't even seen it.  
  
"Ok, rewind… I don't understand, why would Jess move back to Stars Hollow…?"  
  
"Because I kissed him."  
  
"Yes, but that was… after."  
  
"Before." Rory admitted guiltily.  
  
"What?! Two kisses?"  
  
"Yes, two kisses! See, I'm a horrible person!" She asserted, her voice getting louder with each word.  
  
"Calm down…" Lorelai sighed. "When did you first kiss him?"  
  
"In New York."  
  
"When were you in New York?!"  
  
"The day you graduated. I went to New York to see Jess. I don't know why, I just did. And I kissed him. I don't know why… I just…"  
  
"Did?"  
  
"Yes. And that was why I was late."  
  
None of it made any sense. Lorelai couldn't understand how her own daughter, her best friend, could have done so many things without telling her.  
She ran a hand through her hair, just staring out at the front yard.  
Daughter went to New York. Daughter kissed Jess. Jess moved back to Stars Hollow. Daughter kissed Jess again. Daughter crying on the front porch. Mother clueless the entire time!  
  
"I'm sorry. I know, I should have told you." Rory sniffed, trying to regain control of her emotions. "I just didn't know how you'd react, and I didn't want you to be ashamed of me or disappointed in me. Because this isn't me! I promise! I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I hit my head in the car accident or something. I think we should sue the stupid hospital for not seeing it!"  
  
She suddenly got up and started making her way into the house, as a very bewildered Lorelai followed.  
  
"But I swear that I'll be back to normal soon. I'm going to go to Washington and think about what I did! I won't leave my dorm room unless it's part of the program. I won't go sight seeing, and I won't have fun. I won't even talk to anyone unless I'm required to! And I'll be better when I get home. I'll be Rory again, and not this insane brainless wench who goes around kissing boys who aren't her boyfriend!"  
  
"Rory…"  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Rory!"  
  
"I'm sorry!" Rory burst into tears all over again and Lorelai pulled her into another hug. "I'm so, so sorry, mom."  
  
"I know, babe." Lorelai sighed.  
  
"I don't know why I did it. I don't know why!"  
  
"It's ok. It's ok… we'll talk about it and… we'll figure it out." She assured her, stroking her hair soothingly.  


* * * * * 

  
"What are you doing?" Luke frowned as he watched Jess bussing tables.  
  
"Working."  
  
"Yeah… I see that. But… what are you doing." He asked again, tilting his head to the side.  
  
"Working!" Jess repeated in frustration.  
  
Luke nodded, a small smirk spreading across his lips.  
  
"What? Why are you looking at me like I have a damn 'kick me' sign on my forehead?" Jess demanded.  
  
Luke walked over and picked something out of the plastic tub Jess was carrying around to collect dirty plates and cups.  
  
"Now… I know you've been away for a few weeks, but just to refresh your memory…" He held up a ketchup bottle. "These stay on the tables."  
  
Jess frowned at the ketchup bottle and then glanced behind him. Every table in the diner that he thought he'd cleaned still had dirty dishes all over it. Without realizing what he was doing, he'd bussed all the condiments and menus instead.  
  
"Ah, crap." He muttered, dumping the tub on the counter.  
  
"Where'd your mind wander off to?" Luke chuckled.  
  
"No where." Jess shot back as he started emptying things out of the tub. "I can't help it if this job is so mind numbing that I sometimes drift off and start sleep walking."  
  
"Well, I was gonna' offer to finish cleaning up. But now you can do it yourself."  
  
"You take way too much pleasure in making my life hell. It's sick."  
  
The bell above the diner door jingled and both Luke and Jess looked over.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Lorelai, hey…" Luke smiled slightly, following Lorelai's glance over to Jess.  
  
"Hey." She replied with a small smile, shifting her gaze between the two. "Jess. Hey." She said uncertainly.  
  
"Uh… hey." He frowned, not sure why his head was still attached to his body.  
  
"Jess, why don't you go on upstairs, I can take care of this."  
  
"But you just said…"  
  
"Leave. Now."  
  
Jess rolled his eyes and sauntered over to the stairs. Lorelai watched and waited until she heard the apartment door close.  
  
"So… he's back."  
  
"I know, I should have said something…" Luke started apologetically.  
  
"Hey…" Lorelai shrugged and sat down at the counter. "I don't run this town, you don't answer to me…"  
  
"But I should have let you know. Truth is, I didn't even know until I got home from the wedding and found him in the apartment." He shook his head and sighed. "I do not wanna know how he got in."  
  
Lorelai smiled slightly and some of the tension in the room seemed to lift. But not all.  
  
"Are you closed?" She asked, looking around at the deserted diner and then down at her watch.  
  
"Oh… not really. Just a quiet night." Luke sighed.  
  
"But you were? Closing, I mean."  
  
"Figured I may as well save some electricity." He smiled slightly. "Why? Did you want something to eat?"  
  
"Is the kitchen still open?" She asked hopefully.  
  
"Isn't it always?"  
  
She smiled wider, holding his stare for a while, before both looked away. Blushes rising on their cheeks.  
  
"So… What'll it be?" He asked casually.  
  
"Two burgers with fries, two slices of apple pie and um…"  
  
"Two coffee's, by any chance?" He smirked.  
  
"Yes." She chuckled. "But that wasn't what I was going to say."  
  
"Sorry. Please excuse my presumptuousness."  
  
"Can I get ice cream on the pie?" She asked, raising an eyebrow playfully.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Free ice cream?" She laughed softly.  
  
"Is there any other kind?" He teased, pretending to be unamused.  
  
"Well then, yes. You're excused." She smiled. "Now dance, Burger Boy, dance!"  
  
Luke shook his head and walked into the kitchen. Lorelai looked around the diner, her eyes eventually coming to the stairs. Her smile started to fade as a sigh escaped her lips.  
  
She looked down at the counter, reluctantly accepting something she couldn't change.  
  
Jess was back. 

* * * * * 

  
Jess looked down at his book, trying to find the last sentence he'd read. It ended in 'die'. Which was what he wanted to do at that very moment.  
  
He looked up. He didn't want to, but he couldn't not look. He instantly regretted his actions. His eyes practically stung after only a few seconds. Never in his life had he understood the need for couples to be touchy feely in public.  
  
That wasn't true.  
  
The fact was, he'd been touchy feely in public with his old girlfriends. More touchy than feely, really. And not in the cute 'I wanna hold you hand' way, either.  
  
No… it wasn't couples. It was _a_ couple. Just one.  
  
So was it really too much to ask that they either stay far, far away from one another, or far, far away from him?  
  
"My mom wants you to come to dinner tomorrow night." Dean smiled, holding Rory's hand across the table.  
  
"How come?" She frowned.  
  
"Because, you're going away from over a month. My mom wants you to have a home-cooked meal before you leave."  
  
"Aww. That's so sweet." Rory grinned. "I like you mom."  
  
"She likes you too." He chuckled. "So… can you come?"  
  
"Uh…" Rory's smile faded. "I don't know. I'll have to check and make sure my mom hasn't planned anything. She's determined to make the most of every last minute we have together before I go."  
  
"But… she can spare you for one evening, can't she?" He asked hopefully.  
  
"Probably. But I still have to check first. We've never spent that long apart before. We suffering pre-separation anxiety. There's been hives and nausea. It hasn't been pretty." She laughed softly.  
  
Dean sighed and looked down at the table, his fingers loosening around hers. She squeezed them reassuringly.  
  
"Hey… I said it'd probably be ok."  
  
"Yeah. Probably." He said quietly. "Your mom isn't the only one that's gonna miss you, you know? I'm really going to miss you!"  
  
"I know." She said gently.  
  
"Do you?" He looked up at her. He had a wounded look in his eyes that made her want to look away. "I know you and your mom are best friends and all. And I totally understand that you want to spend as much time together as possible before you go. But I'm your boyfriend. I feel like I barely see you anymore, Rory."  
  
"I'm sorry. I know I've been busy… with Sookie's wedding and then the election and… now this." She sighed. "But things will be better when I get back. We can spend the rest of the summer together. I promise."  
  
"Ok." He conceded.  
  
Rory smiled and squeezed his hand again, hoping to obtain a smile from Dean in return.  
  
"I just had so much planned for this summer." He sighed, a hint of disappointment still in his voice. "I thought we could maybe drive to Boston for the day. And I heard about this music festival coming to Hartford, it sounded pretty cool."  
  
"Yeah." Rory sighed looking at their intertwined hands. "I'm sorry I have to miss it."  
  
Dean looked up at her thoughtfully.  
  
"Then don't."  
  
"What?" She laughed uncertainly.  
  
"Don't go. Stay here." He smiled.  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Why not… I thought you said it wasn't compulsory." He sighed.  
  
"It's not, really. But I still have to go. If I don't go, Paris will never let me forget how under qualified I am. And… I don't know… I sort of want to go. I want to learn all the stuff they're going to teach us. And it'll look really great on my application to Harvard…"  
  
Dean rolled his eyes and groaned slightly.  
  
"What?" She asked, trying to keep any hostility out of her tone.  
  
"Harvard." He said bitterly. "It's always Chilton, or Paris, or Harvard. Or your mother, or your grandparents, or Lane. It's never me, or us." He said dejectedly.  
  
"Dean… that's not true. Right now is us. I'm sitting here with you. My mom isn't here. Lane isn't here… We don't have to talk about Chilton or Harvard…"  
  
"Yes we do. We always do."  
  
"They're a big part of my life. You know that! You know how hard I worked to get into Chilton, and how hard I need to work to stay there and to get to Harvard." She sighed.  
  
"I know. But… it's hard sometimes. You seem so wrapped up in all this stuff that sometimes it feels like you don't have time for me."  
  
"You know that's not true. I have time for you. I make time for you!" She protested.  
  
Dean didn't respond. Rory actually felt physical pain just looking at the hurt on his face. She wanted to fix it, desperately. But she didn't know how.  
  
"I'm not hungry." He mumbled as he pushed his plate to the center of the table and stood up. "I'll call you later…"  
  
"Dean…"  
  
"It's ok." He sighed. "It's fine… I just feel like being by myself right now."  
  
Rory watched in helplessness as Dean walked out of the diner. She cursed herself under her breath as she slouched in her seat, wondering why she always made him feel like he didn't matter. Why he couldn't see that he did.  
  
"Are you done?"  
  
She looked up at him, wondering what he meant.  
  
"No we're not 'done'!" She snapped. "We're no where near done. It was just a misunderstanding, that's all. We're not 'done'!"  
  
Jess nodded slowly and then gestured to the plates on the table.  
  
"How about these? Are you done with these?" He asked mockingly.  
  
Rory looked at the plates, realizing what he'd been asking. Her cheeks felt like they were burning and she couldn't make her mouth sound out an answer.  
She could feel him standing there. Waiting. Watching her as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.  
  
It was too much. She stood up abruptly and hurried out of the diner.  



	9. Gonna Leave This World For a While

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

Thanks to Arianna, Jayde, Luke Rules, blackrose, alliegirl, yesitsme, Tye, sleepless-dreams, JavaJunkie-ie, JCtigerwolf4e, lilacmoon, Roganu-chan and ILoveJess for your support.

Tye and sleepless-dreams, I'm glad you liked/understood Dean. Even though I'm not a Dean fan at all, I always try and write him in an... unbiased way. I take what they did on the show and I try and fit it in my fic. If I can't hear Dean saying it in my head, it doesn't get written. I hope that makes sense?

*~*~*~*

Rory pulled her suitcase along the street behind her and Lorelai jumped around in front of her.  
  
"Come on! Come on! Pick those legs up girly!" She commanded playfully.  
  
"You know, you could help?!" Rory glared at her.  
  
"Do I look like a bell hop to you?" Lorelai chuckled.  
  
Rory muttered something under her breath and Lorelai laughed.  
  
"You'll feel better when you have some coffee in you."  
  
"I already would if _someone_ hadn't drank the last cup this morning!" She muttered.  
  
Lorelai pushed open the door to Luke's and stepped aside so Rory could pull her suitcase inside.  
  
"My daughter, the future president on the United States, would like some coffee." She chirped and Luke nodded to let her know it was on its way.  
  
"I'm not going to be president." Rory smirked.  
  
"Yes you are. You're going to get to Washington, they'll take one look at you and impeach Bush." Lorelai nodded confidently.  
  
"On what grounds?" Luke asked as he set two cups down at their table and poured them both some coffee.  
  
"Lets see… Lack of style, for one."  
  
"You can't impeach a president because he doesn't know the difference between leather and Pleather." Luke sighed.  
  
"And you do?" Lorelai teased.  
  
Luke paused, a response just waiting to come out. Lorelai looked at him, silently taunting him, daring him to get into a debate with her.  
He sighed and walked away and Lorelai started dancing around in her seat.  
  
"How many cups of coffee did you have this morning?" Rory chuckled.  
  
"Three..."  
  
"Three? And you didn't even think to save one for your daughter. Your daughter who, after this morning, you won't see for six whole weeks?!"  
  
"Honey, I don't think at all until I've finished my third cup, you know that!"  
  
Rory rolled her eyes and smiled, shaking her head at her mother. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jess come out of the storeroom. She stared. He stared. She looked away. He sighed and went upstairs.  
  
"Rory, sugar…" Babette hurried into the diner and over to where Lorelai and Rory were sitting.  
  
"Hey Babette." Lorelai greeted her cheerfully.  
  
"Mornin' Lorelai." She smiled, turning her attention quickly back to Rory. "Rory… I just wanted to tell you that we're all gonna miss ya'. You have fun, Darl!"  
  
"I will." Rory chuckled.  
  
"And if anyone in the White House offers you a cigar, just say no!"  
  
Rory and Lorelai exchanged amused glances, and Rory managed to keep a straight face as she assured Babette that she wouldn't get into any trouble. 

* * * * * 

  
Lorelai sat in the diner alone. Luke watched her from the counter. He couldn't remember the last time she'd looked so low.  
  
"More coffee?" He called over to her.  
  
"Eh… Nah." She sighed, resting her head on her arms.  
  
Luke frowned. It was unlike Lorelai to turn down a refill of coffee.  
  
"Got any plans for your first night alone in the house?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah… I'm going to wallow."  
  
"Wallow?" He smirked. "That doesn't sound too productive."  
  
"What would you know? You're a guy." She pouted.  
  
"She's only gone for 6 weeks. You'll manage." He offered reassuringly.  
  
"Luke… Rory's my leg."  
  
"Your leg?" He asked in confusion.  
  
"Well… not actually. But… that's how big a part of me she is. She's… she's both my legs! And my arms!"  
  
"That's a big part of you." Luke nodded, amused.  
  
"Yes! Exactly! So… imagine living without your legs and arms for 6 weeks!"  
  
"Point taken." He chuckled. "Are you sure you don't want any more coffee?"  
  
Lorelai looked at her empty cup and sighed before shaking her head. She didn't even look up when Lane burst into the diner.  
  
"I can't believe she's gone." She sighed as she sank into the chair opposite Lorelai.  
  
"Not you, too?" Luke asked.  
  
Both Lorelai and Lane looked at him as if he were crazy and he held up his hands in defense.  
  
"I don't like these extended periods of separation." Lane mused. "It's not healthy. It's not natural."  
  
"I agree."  
  
"How long until she gets back?" Lane asked eagerly.  
  
"Well… she left 3 hours ago. So… 6 weeks. Give or take 3 hours."  
  
"Bummer." Lane sighed.  
  
"I agree."  
  
Luke watched them in amazement. He didn't know why it surprised him that their lives came to a screeching halt when one of them was absent. But he couldn't understand it.  
  
"Please, do something!" He begged. "You cannot just sit there for six weeks."  
  
"Says who?" They asked in unison.  
  
"Says me! And it's my diner, so what I say goes." Luke answered triumphantly.  
  
"He's right." Lane mumbled. "Even if he did let us sit here for six weeks, Mama wouldn't let me."  
  
"Sucks to be you."  
  
Lane nodded and they went back to sitting in silence. Luke rolled his eyes and went into the storeroom.  
  
"Hey… wanna hear what I've been working on?" Lane asked, putting her drumsticks on the table.  
  
"Sure." Lorelai smiled slightly.  
  
"Ok, but you have to imagine that the rest of The Smiths are here too."  
  
"I'll try." Lorelai chuckled.  
  
Lane sat up straight and counted to three silently before banging her drumsticks loudly on the table. It was only a matter of seconds before Luke stuck his head out of the storeroom. He rolled his eyes and disappeared back inside, only to re-emerge a moment later carrying two burger buns.  
  
"Stop." He ordered.  
  
Lane stopped playing.  
  
"Up."  
  
Lane lifted her sticks in the air and Luke placed the buns on the table before lowering her sticks onto them. He smiled and nodded in approval, and then he walked away.  
  
"It's not the same." Lane pouted as she hit the buns with her sticks, generating a dull smack sound.  
  
"It's really not." Lorelai agreed.  
  
The two prepared to drift back into silence, but Lorelai's cell phone interrupted them. She rooted around in her bag and pulled it out.  
  
"Rory?" She asked eagerly. "Oh… Michel."  
  
"Turn it off or take it outside." Luke called from the storeroom.  
  
"Blah, blah, blah!" She shouted back at him. "Michel? What… calm down…"  
  
"What's wrong?" Lane frowned.  
  
"Mi… No don't call the electrician. Michel…" She rolled her eyes. "Did you check the fuse box? No, don't… I'm coming." She turned off her phone and put it back in her bag.  
  
"Problems?"  
  
"Yeah. The lights in the kitchen went out and, whilst stumbling around in the dark, Sookie almost gutted the trainee chef." Lorelai sighed, pulling her coat on.  
  
"Ouch." Lane cringed.  
  
"Luke! I'm going, I'll leave some money on the table." Lorelai called. "See ya'." She waved to Lane and hurried out.  
  
Lane looked around at the almost empty diner, then down at her drumsticks. She sighed deeply and started aimlessly hitting the burger buns.  
  
"Now what could they possibly have done to deserve that?" Jess asked as he slid into the seat opposite her.  
  
Lane looked at him, looked around her and then faked confusion.  
  
"I'm sorry… I must have missed the part where I invited you to join me."  
  
"That's ok. I'll overlook your lack of manners just this once." He retorted.  
  
"Lucky me." Lane sighed.  
  
"So… Rory left for Washington today?" He asked casually.  
  
"Wow, nothing gets past you, does it!"  
  
"Can we skip the sarcastic sound bites and get to the part where you give me the phone number for where she's staying?"  
  
"Ha! Funny!" Lane smirked. "You're a funny guy, Jess."  
  
"So I'm told." He pushed a napkin and pen across the table to her. "Phone number. Please."  
  
"No. Thank you." She said dryly, pushing it back to his side of the table.  
  
"Lane…"  
  
"Why do you want it, anyway? So you can call her up and make her feel bad? Confuse her a little more? Maybe even make her cry again?"  
  
"Again?" Jess frowned.  
  
"I take it back. You really are clueless." Lane sighed.  
  
"Look… I don't want to do any of that… I just want to set things straight." He said sincerely.  
  
Lane eyed him suspiciously, looking back and forth between him and the napkin.  
  
"Say I gave you the number. There are only a select few with access to it. I don't want to be the traitor that supplied you with it…"  
  
"I won't tell her who gave it to me. I swear…"  
  
"And when she asks who…"  
  
"I'll say that my source wishes to remain nameless." Jess suggested.  
  
"And she'll hear 'Lane – worst best friend ever!'"  
  
"Why would she think it's you?" He frowned.  
  
"Well… Lets see. Did you get it from her mom?" She chuckled and shook her head. "Nope. Her grandparents, maybe? I don't thinks so. Dean? Pah!"  
  
"Oh, didn't you hear? Dean and I are best buds now." Jess mocked. "He gave me Rory's number in Washington and in exchange, I'm helping him understand some words he's having trouble with. Like 'tedious' and 'redundant'."  
  
"I see… so I give you this number and you continue to drive a wedge between Rory and Dean." Lane said in disgust. "I don't think so."  
  
"Continue to? I didn't know I'd started." He smiled innocently.  
  
"You can go now."  
  
Jess pushed the napkin and pen back over the table to her, looking her in the eyes.  
  
"Please."  
  
Lane held his stare for a moment and then looked down.  
  
"Shoo." She waved him away. "If, when I leave, there's a phone number on this napkin, it didn't get there through me. If there is nothing but a lousy tip, then I take full responsibility for it."  
  
Jess nodded in understanding and got up. Lane stared in contemplation at the blank napkin.  


* * * * * 

  
Rory gazed out of the window of her dorm room, a small smile slowly creeping onto her lips.  
  
Freedom.  
  
"Rory!"  
  
Almost.  
  
She sighed and turned around to see Paris standing in the doorway, arms folded across her chest in a way that made her impatience clear.  
  
"Paris, if you don't slow down you'll run out of things to organize before dinner." She warned playfully.  
  
"If only." Paris rolled her eyes. "Did you see the brain-dead B students we have to share this floor with?" She asked indignantly.  
  
"I'm sure they're nice." Rory shrugged, walking over to her bed and sitting down.  
  
"Yeah. Nice. Great. That's just what I'm here for." Paris muttered.  
  
Rory smiled and shook her head as Paris barked some orders at a rather frightened looking young girl just outside the room. To anyone who didn't know Paris, it would have looked like she was chasing the girl down the hall. It was the other girl's fault for running away!  
  
The phone beside her bed started to ring harshly and she picked it up, eager to stop the noise.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Baby!"  
  
Rory's face lit up as she lay back against her pillows.  
  
"Hey mom." She chirped.  
  
"So… how's it going? Has Paris taken over the dorms yet?" Lorelai asked knowingly.  
  
"Not quite yet. But she's working on it. You can't rush these things."  
  
"Oh, I know." She chuckled.  
  
"How's Stars Hollow?"  
  
"Oh… you know, same as it was yesterday and the day before… and the year before…" Lorelai droned. "It's boring without you here. I told Luke you and I were getting matching mother and daughter tattoos on our butts… and he didn't even look shocked. It doesn't work if you're not here to remind him how darling and innocent you are!"  
  
"I'm sorry. I'll be home soon." Rory reassured her softly.  
  
"No, you won't." Rory could almost hear the pout.  
  
"Well… it's sooner than it was this morning." She offered.  
  
"Fine." Lorelai conceded. "What have you got planned for tonight?"  
  
"Um… I think we're all having dinner together, and then they're leaving us to our own devices. Which, ordinarily, would be a bad idea. But since Paris is here…"  
  
"No one will be up past 8pm, gotcha." Lorelai laughed softly. "Ooh! Did you unpack yet?"  
  
"Some… why?"  
  
"Did you unpack that small suitcase?" Lorelai asked eagerly.  
  
"Nope." Rory frowned as she looked around the room for it.  
  
"Well, open it! Open it!"  
  
Rory sat up and sighed slightly as she peered over the end of the bed and finally saw it. She grabbed the handle and pulled it up onto the bed with her before unzipping it.  
  
"What's this?" She laughed as she pulled out a stuffed cow.  
  
"He's called Egbert." Lorelai declared proudly. "He's gonna keep you company."  
  
"Hey Egbert." Rory chuckled, looking him over and smiling more. "Thanks mom."  
  
"No problem, babe." She said warmly. "I have to go. But call me if you need anything."  
  
"Ok. Love you."  
  
"Love you too." Lorelai sighed sadly. "Bye."  
  
"Bye."  
  
Rory hung up the phone and lay back down, Egbert resting on the bed beside her.  
  
"You and me, Egbert. All alone in this crazy world." She sighed.  


* * * * * 

  
The slurping sound coming from across the diner caught Jess's attention and he looked over. Lane was cleaning every last drop of liquid from her cup via her straw.  
She was doing it on purpose. He knew that. She had spent the last hour sitting, eating and drinking at the slowest pace she could.  
  
"Can I get you anything else?" He sighed.  
  
"Hmm… can I see the menu again?" She asked innocently.  
  
"No."  
  
"Excuse me?" She raised her eyebrows at him playfully and then looked down at the napkin.  
  
"Fine." He muttered, walking over and practically throwing the menu on the table.  
  
He stood over her, tapping his foot impatiently on the diner floor. He could tell she was trying not to smile, she was biting her lip and every so often an amused semi-chuckle seemed to escape her lips.  
  
"Now… are the pies made on the premises or delivered?" Lane asked thoughtfully.  
  
"Lane…"  
  
She looked up at him and he rolled his eyes.  
  
"Delivered." He muttered.  
  
"I see. And… the burgers, are they pre-made or hand made here at the diner?"  
  
"Caesar makes them. Why?"  
  
"Just curious." She shrugged nonchalantly. "Now…"  
  
"Ok, I give up. Either leave me the number or don't. I really don't care anymore." He grumbled.  
  
As he walked away Lane began to smile triumphantly. Holding power over Jess was something only one female in Stars Hollow could claim to be capable of. She knew hers was limited and nowhere near as strong… but to control the rebel, even for a moment, was the most entertaining thing she'd done in a while.  
  
Jess looked up again when the bell above the door rang. His eyes caught the sight of Lanes retreating form as the door shut behind her. He sighed and looked back down at his book.  
  
Luke came out of the storeroom and looked at Jess, then at the table with dirty plates and glasses on it.  
  
"Uh… bus boy?"  
  
Jess managed to stop him self from glaring at Luke, but he didn't make any move to clean the table.  
  
"Jess… you're supposed to be working." He sighed.  
  
"I am. I'm working really hard."  
  
"Doing what, exactly?" Luke asked, folding his arms across his chest.  
  
"I'm trying really hard to pretend you don't exist, this town is all a bad dream and in about 10 seconds, I'm going to wake up from the coma I'm in, and discover that this isn't my real life."  
  
"Sounds exhausting." Luke snorted.  
  
No response came from his indifferent nephew, compelling him to step forwards and snatch the book out of Jess's hands.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Clean the table and maybe I'll give it back." Luke ordered.  
  
"Clean it yourself. I've been out here on my own all afternoon while you've been in that storeroom, probably sleeping."  
  
"I was unpacking yesterday's delivery." Luke protested.  
  
"Good for you."  
  
"Clean the table. Now!" Luke snapped.  
  
Jess snatched up the rag on the counter and glared at Luke as he passed him. Luke couldn't help but allow him self to smirk for a reason he couldn't pinpoint.  
  
Jess threw the rag over his shoulder as he started to stack the plates and glasses into a manageable pile. He rolled his eyes when he saw that not only was there no number on the napkin but that Lane hadn't left him a tip either.  
  
"Nice." He muttered, carrying the dishes into the kitchen.  
  
Luke followed him with his eyes discreetly, pretending to be emptying new change into the register. He sighed as he watched Jess drop the napkin and half of the money Lane had left to pay for her meal.  
  
"That's great for business, by the way. It gives the place a touch of class in a 'We're so rich we just throw our money around' way." He deadpanned.  
  
Jess ignored him and kept walking, forcing Luke to pick it up himself.  
  
"Jess…" He called out, holding up the napkin.  
  
"What?"  
  
"What's this?"  
  
Jess frowned and peered at the napkin. Printed on the back, in black ink, was a phone number.  
  
"It's mine." He answered quickly, seizing it protectively from Luke.  
  
"Did Lane leave it?" Luke pressed.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Listen Jess… I do not need Mrs. Kim in here yelling at me 'cos you messed with her only daughter, ok?"  
  
"You think Lane and I…?" Jess shook his head. "You're unhinged."  
  
"Just don't go getting involved with her unless you're prepared to deal with the very prison guard-like consequences of her mother!" Luke warned.  
  
"Don't worry, Uncle Luke." Jess teased. "I know what I'm doing."  
  
"Jess…"  
  
Luke sighed as Jess waved him off dismissively and headed upstairs.  



	10. Waves of Doubt Keep Drowning Me

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

This chapter contains excerpts from **_The Subterraneans _**by Jack Kerouac and **_The Catcher In The Rye_** by J. D. Salinger.

As always, thanks to Tye, ILoveJess, blackrose, Jayde and Katie. You guys are great! Thanks also to Luke Rules, Leigh, Alece and lilacmoon for their support.

*~*~*~*

"It's not healthy!" Luke insisted, leaning on the counter and attempting to stare Lorelai into submission.  
  
"Who wants healthy? Not me! No… you know what? Lets live dangerously! Please! Let's be bad!" She pleaded. "It'll be liberating. Come on, Luke! Lets do it."  
  
"Sick." Came the disgusted mutter from behind them.  
  
Lorelai and Luke both looked at Jess as he walked past them, carrying plates full of food to a table in the corner.  
  
"Fine. You do it… I… I can't watch." Luke sighed as he headed into the kitchen.  
  
Lorelai grinned keenly as she took the coffee pot he'd left on the counter and filled up her cup. Her 5th cup of coffee that evening.  
When her phone started ringing, she was torn between finishing pouring her drink and answering it.  
  
After a moment of looking back and forth between the coffee pot and her purse, she reluctantly set it down and answered the phone.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Rory! Hey!" She smiled widely.  
  
Jess glanced over quickly, trying to split his attention between what Lorelai was saying and the order a customer was giving him.  
  
"I'm soooo not sleepy." Rory sighed.  
  
"Well… don't sleep then. It's only 8:30."  
  
"But everyone else is asleep. Paris is snoring!"  
  
"So poke her. Wake her up and make her talk to you until you're sleepy." Lorelai suggested.  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Sure you can. Just walk over and flick her on the forehead until she wakes up."  
  
"Mom!" Rory chuckled.  
  
"I don't know what to tell you babe. Have you got anything lavender with you?"  
  
"No, should I have?" Rory frowned.  
  
"No. Um… Hot cocoa?"  
  
"I don't know where I'd get it from."  
  
"Huh. You're really not helping." Lorelai mused.  
  
"Neither are you." Rory sighed, picking absently at her bed sheets. "I guess I'll just lay here and count political sheep."  
  
"Ok. If you're still awake in an hour, flick Paris."  
  
"No."  
  
"I bet you anything it's soothing." Lorelai persisted.  
  
"Night, mom." Rory laughed softly.  
  
"G'night babe." Lorelai smiled into phone.  
  
Luke stepped out of the kitchen and glared at her playfully before pointing to the 'No Cell Phones' sign on the wall behind the counter.  
  
"It was Rory!" Lorelai said defensively as she returned her phone to her purse. "She couldn't sleep, she needed her mommy!"  
  
"God help the two of you when it comes time for you to live apart permanently." He smirked.  
  
"Never gonna happen." Lorelai replied, sipping her coffee.  
  
Jess continued to wander around the diner for the next few minutes, filling up coffee cups and clearing away plates. Eventually he approached Luke and put on his best 'Uncle Luke, I'm so tired' face.  
  
"Can I call it a night?" He asked.  
  
Luke looked around the diner and nodded slowly.  
  
"Ok." He agreed. "But if you're going to be listening to music, keep it down."  
  
With a mocking salute, Jess headed upstairs. He paced back and forth in front of his bed for a while, looking at the phone number on the napkin. By the time he sat on his bed to actually dial it, he almost knew it by heart.  
  
It rang. And rang. And…  
  
"Hello?"  
  
He smiled slightly, and it took him a second to remember that he was supposed to respond.  
  
"Hey."  
  
Rory slowly sat up in bed. She was grateful that she had the phone to hold so that her shaking hand wasn't as noticeable.  
  
"Hi…" She replied uncertainly. "Wha… Um… How did you get this number?" She frowned.  
  
"Friend of a friend." He replied casually. "It's all over the internet. You should really do something about that."  
  
"I will." She chuckled.  
  
"So… I heard you were having trouble sleeping?"  
  
"True." She sighed, resting back down, letting her body sink into the pillows.  
  
He cleared his throat and she listened, waiting for him to continue.  
  
"_Once I was young and had so much more orientation and could talk with nervous intelligence about everything and with clarity and without as much literary preambling as this; in other words this is the story of an unself-confident man…_"  
  
Rory chuckled lightly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing. Just… nothing."  
  
"No, what?" He smiled.  
  
"Haven't you got anything a little lighter than Kerouac?" She asked.  
  
"Are you… complaining?" He teased.  
  
"No, no. Not complaining… because that would be…"  
  
"Ungrateful? Rude? Offensive?" He offered.  
  
"Exactly. So, not complaining. Merely… suggesting?"  
  
"Suggesting?" He asked casually.  
  
"Yes. Suggesting something a little more… familiar… reassuring?"  
  
Jess sighed.  
  
"Women." He muttered and she laughed to herself as she listened to him get off of his bed and search for a different book.  
  
"I'm sorry." She said sincerely as he picked the phone back up.  
  
"Good. I can't believe you turned down Leo and Mardou."  
  
"It's appalling, really. I'll make a note to punish myself in the morning." She assured him.  
  
She smiled when she heard him laugh softly on the other end of the line.  
  
"So, are you ready?" He asked.  
  
Rory snuggled down further in the bed, resting the phone between her ear and the pillow.  
  
"Ready." She confirmed.  
  
"Ok. _If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but…_"  
  
"Jess?"  
  
"If you ask me to read you something Walt Disney would like I'll hang up."  
  
"No…" She giggled. "I just… wanted to say thank you."  
  
There was a pause. A brief one, but it seemed to go on for several minutes rather than seconds.  
  
"No problem." He replied genuinely.  
  
"And… about everything…I know I've been acting like…" She sighed.  
  
"Rory?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'm trying to read a story here. So… maybe we can leave that for another night?"  
  
"Another night?" She asked, almost hopefully.  
  
"If you expect me to read you the whole thing in one go… you're cracked." He smirked.  
  
Rory didn't respond, but Jess could almost _hear_ her smiling.  
  
"_…but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth._" 

* * * * * 

  
**Lesson One: Flirting** - playful behavior intended to arouse interest.  
  
  
Lorelai stepped into the diner and looked around, trying to seem as casual as possible.  
  
It had been a month since Rory left, and in Rory's absence Lorelai found herself lonely. Not a desperate lonely, but a lonely that seemed to help clear the fog around her thoughts. Helped her to see more clearly.  
And ever since the fog had cleared, she had been sharing more longing glances, coy smiles and playful moments with a certain local diner owner.  
  
"Let me guess, herbal tea?"  
  
Lorelai smiled at the sound of his voice.  
  
"Oh, how well you know me." She sighed as she planted herself at the counter.  
  
Most evenings it was becoming normal to see Lorelai arrive, take a seat at the counter and stay in it until closing. And though he grumbled and made comments about her being in the way and taking up valuable counter space, Luke loved having her there so frequently.  
  
He placed the cup of coffee in front of her and she smiled gratefully.  
  
"You're looking awfully dashing today. Is that a new baseball cap?" Lorelai teased.  
  
"That joke just never gets old." Luke retorted.  
  
"I know, and it works so well with um… 'Hey, I just know I've seen that flannel shirt somewhere before'." She laughed softly.  
  
"Well… what are these things?" He asked, reaching out and touching her earrings.  
  
"Um…" Lorelai swallowed hard. "They're earrings, my fashion impaired friend." She replied as lightly as possible.  
  
Luke retracted his hand and they both seemed to tense up as his fingertips accidentally grazed her neck for a second.  
  
"Gaudy." He blurted out quickly to cover for his actions.  
  
"Stylish." She smirked as she quelled the blush desperately trying to paint her cheeks a bright shade of pink.  
  
"If you say so."  
  
"Cosmo says so, actually." She informed him with a triumphant nod.  
  
"Oh, well, if Cosmo says so then it must be gospel!" He mocked and she pouted playfully.  
  
He smiled, watching her for as long as it was safe to without it being noticeable.  
  
"How'd the conference at the Inn go?" He asked idly as he wiped the counter around her.  
  
"Fine. Michel only offended half of the guests this time, so at least it went better than the egg painters convention last week."  
  
"Freaks." Luke muttered.  
  
"I think our maids would agree with you there." She chuckled. "There was egg all over the function room carpet. It took hours to clean off."  
  
"Freaks." He repeated with a small smirk.  
  
"Someone's in a good mood today." She teased.  
  
"I know. And with a nephew like mine, you'd think every day would be full of joy and sunshine." He sighed.  
  
"Uh oh. What did he do today?" She smiled sympathetically.  
  
"You mean aside from almost setting fire to Caesar's arm, nearly serving Kirk's breakfast to him via his head and mopping the floor so poorly that the 'slippery when wet' sign should have been replaced with flood warnings?"  
  
"I guess so."  
  
Luke rolled his eyes and shook his head as he continued to clean up menus and plates from the counter.  
  
"I got the phone bill today. Guess who has made almost $300 worth of long distance calls lately." Luke said in fake surprise.  
  
"You're kidding!" Said Lorelai, her mouth hanging open.  
  
"I wish." Luke pulled the phone bill out of his pocket and threw it on the counter. "I don't even recognize the number! It's not his mom…. It's not his friends in New York, cos it's not a New York number. I would call it and see who it is, but I am pretty much scared to find out." He sighed.  
  
Lorelai narrowed her eyes at the number that had been called almost every day for the past month.  
  
"Huh."  
  
"Huh? Huh, what?" Luke asked. "You know the number?"  
  
"What?" Lorelai looked up at him and forced a smile.  
  
"The number. Do you know it?" He asked.  
  
"Oh… no. No." She smiled.  
  
Luke shrugged and took the phone bill back. Lorelai stared into her coffee. Someone was going to be answering a lot of questions in the morning.  


* * * * * 

  
**Lesson Two: Evasion** - The act of eluding or avoiding, particularly the pressure of an argument, accusation, charge, or interrogation.  
  
  
Rory rolled over in bed and opened her eyes slowly. The sun that usually poured through the window opposite her bed, was absent today. Replaced by large gray storm clouds and the promise of heavy rainfall.  
  
But a smile still spread across her lips. Every morning as she stretched and allowed her body and mind to wake up, the silliest grin was plastered on her face. It bugged Paris to no end, but Rory couldn't help it.  
  
The phone started to ring and she frowned, picking up her watch from beside her bed to check the time. She'd over slept. But it was a Saturday, so she had no one (except Paris) to answer to for it.  
  
She picked it up and drowsily yawned a 'hello?' into the receiver.  
  
"Hey Shelby."  
  
She smiled at her mother's voice.  
  
"Hey M'lynn." She chuckled.  
  
"You sound sleepy. Don't tell me you're only just getting up?"  
  
"So!" She replied defensively. "I'm willing to bet my life savings that you're not even dressed yet."  
  
"True. But at least I'm not laying around in bed." Lorelai teased.  
  
"I'm getting up. I promise. I was just up late last night." She yawned again.  
  
"Oh… doing anything interesting?" Lorelai asked as casually as she could, taking a seat at the kitchen table.  
  
"Not really." Rory answered just as casually. "Reading. Talking to Paris."  
  
"Sounds boring."  
  
"It's fine. I like reading. And Paris isn't so bad when she loosens up a little." Rory shrugged.  
  
"So… did either of you get any interesting phone calls?"  
  
"Should we have?" Rory laughed softly.  
  
"No… just…. Dean was saying that he was having trouble getting through. That sometimes when he calls, the line is busy."  
  
"Oh… well…" Rory bit her lip. "I don't know. I talk to you a lot."  
  
"Yeah, but mostly in the mornings. Dean has been trying to call you at night. Don't tell me Paris has been making booty calls?"  
  
"No." Rory chuckled. "Not that I'm aware of. I don't know… sometimes we make calls to other girls in the dorm."  
  
"You mean… you pick up the phone instead walking a few doors down the hall?" Lorelai asked skeptically.  
  
"We're lazy like that." Rory smiled.  
  
There was a long awkward pause, which wasn't something either of them was used to.  
  
"So… nothing you want to tell me about?" Lorelai sighed.  
  
"Nope. Nothing new since yesterday." Rory chuckled nervously.  
  
"Ok. Well… what are you reading?" Lorelai asked, trying to hide the despondency in her tone.  
  
"Oh… 'The Sun Also Rises'." Rory smiled fondly, twirling some hair around her finger.  
  
"Isn't that Hemingway?" Lorelai frowned.  
  
"Yep."  
  
"I thought you hated his stuff. I swear you once used the word mind-numbing when talking about his books."  
  
"I know. But…" She shrugged, that unstoppable smile making a repeat appearance. "I gave it a second chance and it's not as bad as I thought."  


* * * * * 

  
**Lesson Three: Denial** - A refusal to admit the truth of a statement, charge, imputation, etc.  
  
  
Paris shut the door with her usual finesse. The slam as brief and loud as possible, signifying that she was in a good mood. She'd even used her foot to close it. Which also pointed to her being cheerful.  
  
She was drying her hair with a towel, her bathrobe pulled tight around her, the cord tied in a precise knot at her waist.  
Paris was the embodiment of organization. Detail. Clarity. She knew what she wanted and she knew how to get it. And she never let anything get in her way.  
  
Even with her back to Rory she knew she was being watched.  
  
"What?" She asked, her tone snappish but not as harsh as usual.  
  
"Nothing." Rory shook her head and went back to reading the book that was resting in her lap.  
  
Paris sat on her bed and narrowed her eyes at Rory as she continued to towel dry her long hair.  
  
"You're not reading. I can tell. You're pretending to read. You should rule out a career in acting."  
  
"Thanks." Rory chuckled, closing her book and throwing it lightly onto the bed beside her.  
  
"So why are you staring at me and then lying about it."  
  
"It's nothing."  
  
"Nothing?" Paris asked suspiciously.  
  
"That's what I said." Rory sighed.  
  
"I may have no life of my own, but I'm not blind, you know?" She stated matter-of-factly.  
  
"Meaning?"  
  
"Meaning… your mother calls every other morning. That Lane girl calls at least once a week and Prince Charming calls every few days."  
  
"Are you keeping some kind of record?" Rory smirked.  
  
"And almost every night, at about 9:30pm, you get a call from some mystery person. And judging by the size of the stupid grin you wear throughout the entire call it's either a guy… or it's a girl and you're a lesbian."  
  
"I'm not a lesbian."  
  
"So it's a guy." Paris let a small, proud smile curl the corners of her lips. "I knew it."  
  
"It's… just a friend."  
  
Paris rolled her eyes and started to brush the knots out of her damp hair and Rory stared at her hands for a few minutes.  
  
"You remember Jess?" Rory asked hesitantly.  
  
"Vaguely." Paris answered plainly, waiting to see if Rory was actually going to make a point or just withdraw back into her shell.  
  
"He's the one that's been calling." Rory admitted.  
  
"So? You guys are just friends, right?"  
  
"Yeah." Rory nodded and sighed. "Never mind."  
  
"Just say it! You've fallen for James Dean and you can't choose between him and Malibu Ken."  
  
Rory just looked at Paris. She didn't want to admit it, because she hadn't said it out loud to anyone. And whenever her mind suggested it, she'd argued with herself until she was sufficiently sure that she knew what she wanted. Dean.  
  
"Well? That's what this is about, isn't it?" Paris pressed.  
  
"I… I haven't fallen for him. I just… have these feelings." Rory sighed.  
  
"What kind of feelings?" Paris frowned.  
  
"I don't know." And that was the truth. "I just… feel something and… I'm pretty sure I shouldn't feel the way I do because if I were supposed to feel that way then I wouldn't feel guilty."  
  
Paris narrowed her eyes at Rory for a moment.  
  
"What?"  
  
Rory sighed and lay back on her bed.  
  
"Forget it."  
  
"Do you want my advice of not?"  
  
"Depends what your advice is."  
  
"Well… Do you feel the same way about Dean as you do about Jess?" Paris asked, walking over to Rory's bed and pushing her legs aside so she could sit down.  
  
"No. I love Dean." Rory insisted.  
  
"Wow."  
  
"Wow, what?" Rory sat up slightly and frowned at Paris.  
  
"Nothing. Just… as far as declarations of love go… that one sounded pretty over rehearsed."  
  
"That's… because I love Dean. I do… and I always tell him I do, and I tell anyone who wants to know. So… I'm used to saying it. I love Dean. See… it's easy. I feel it and I can say it without a problem!"  
  
"Ok… calm down!" Paris rolled her eyes.  
  
"I do love him."  
  
"Fine. You love him. But are you in love with him?"  
  
Rory stared at Paris for a minute thoughtfully. For some reason she couldn't figure out the answer.  
  
"Yes." She said, a little more uncertainly then she meant to.  
  
"Don't tell me… you can't tell if you're in love with him, because all you've ever thought about is how much you love him?"  
  
"What? That makes no sense!" Rory stated, she could already feel the familiar confusion setting in. "I love Dean!"  
  
"Yes. I believe we established that about ten outbursts ago!"  
  
"Well… what else is there?"  
  
"I don't know. That butterflies in the stomach, tingles… shivers… sparks, rubbish."  
  
"I've felt that with Dean." Rory nodded.  
  
"Really? All of it."  
  
"I think so. Maybe not the… sparks bit. Or the shivers. But the… flippy floppy belly thing and the tingly feeling."  
  
"Felt or feel?"  
  
"What?" Rory frowned.  
  
"Felt as in once upon a time, or feel as in right this second."  
  
"He's not here right this second!" Rory exclaimed in confusion.  
  
"I know that! But what if he were? Work with me here, Gilmore!" Paris sighed in exasperation.  
  
"I don't know… Uh…" She stopped.  
  
Sitting with her eyes closed and her brow creased into a frown, Rory tried to imagine that Dean was there, and Paris was far, far away.  
  
Dean was standing in front of her, smiling. Rory smiled. He sat beside her and took her hand in his. Rory's smile faded a little. He moved forwards to kiss her.  
  
Her stomach was still. Her skin wasn't tingling where it touched his. The shiver that was supposed to shoot up and down her spine seemed to run into complications after only a fraction of its journey.  
  
"Felt." Rory sighed, her shoulders sagging slightly. "Felt… as in once upon a time."  
  
She felt tears stinging her eyes and she blinked to force them to stay back.  
  
"Well… what about Jess?" Paris asked a little more gently.  
  
"I don't want to talk about this anymore." Rory said shakily as she picked up Egbert and hugged him close to her. "I love Dean. I love him and I'm in love with him. The butterflies and tingles are … they don't mean anything. I'm not in love with Jess and I don't love him. There's nothing to talk about."  
  
Paris sighed and shook her head as she got up and crossed back over to her side of the room.  
  
Rory closed her eyes tightly.  
  
Dean.  
  
Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean! 

* * * * * 

  
The clock was ticking. Too loud. Rory closed her eyes and inhaled deeply as she paced around the room, trying to push the deafening sound out of her head.  
  
9:29pm.  
  
Paris looked up from her book and watched as Rory started on her 20th lap of the room. She shook her head in bewilderment. At 9:30pm every other night, Rory seemed to gain some kind of inner peace. Something that put her mind to rest, and left her more relaxed then if she'd just taken a two hour bubble bath.  
  
Then the phone rang…  
  
Rory froze and stared at it.  
  
… It rang…  
  
Rory bit her lip, her right foot shifting forwards slightly and then pulling back.  
  
… and it rang…  
  
She closed her eyes tightly. Her lips moved very slightly as she murmured faint pleas for it to stop.  
  
… and it rang…  
  
Paris's eyes darted back and forth between the phone and her roommate. This was the first night in a month that Rory hadn't picked the phone up eagerly.  
  
The ringing stopped. And so did Rory's murmuring and pacing. She walked over to her bed and lay down.  
  
Paris rolled her eyes and went back to her book.  
  
It was official. Rory had completely lost it.


	11. River of Dreams

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

Tye, Jayde, ILoveJess, blackrose, sleepless-dreams and Roganu-chan, (and anyone I left out) you guys are the best. Thank you so much for reviewing so frequently. Thanks also to lilacmoon, Firehawk, Kris, meffy and gilmoregurl1928763 for reviewing the last chapter. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my fics. The reviews are a bonus.

*~*~*~*

Luke looked up and smiled as Lorelai walked into the diner. She returned the smile, but took a sudden step back as Jess walked in front of her carrying several plates full of food.  
  
"Hello to you, too." She said sarcastically.  
  
As usual, Jess ignored her, and she made her way over to the counter.  
  
"I see that wonderful happy mood is still with him." She commented as both she and Luke followed Jess with their eyes.  
  
"Oh yeah. And today he added this… 'breathe and I'll rip your head off' scowl to his repertoire." Luke rolled his eyes.  
  
"What do you think he'd do if I cleared my throat?" Lorelai chuckled.  
  
"Oh, I don't know… maybe he'll rip your head off slightly slower?"  
  
"Hey, Jess?" Lorelai called to him cheerfully.  
  
"You wanna get us both killed?" Luke exclaimed half seriously.  
  
Lorelai placed her hand over Luke's mouth to silence him, before turning her attention back to Jess.  
  
"How's your day been? Luke tells me you've been practicing a new facial expression."  
  
Jess turned around and scowled at Lorelai. She cringed slightly and looked at Luke.  
  
"That it?"  
  
"Yep. That'd be the one." Luke nodded.  
  
"Wow… It's so much more menacing than the regular scowl." She laughed softly.  
  
Luke shook his head as he watched Jess. He'd given up trying to figure out what went on in his head months ago.  
  
"So… Rory's home in a week?"  
  
"Yep." Lorelai grinned. "Just six more days to go!"  
  
"Is she excited about coming home? Or do you think she'll miss living in dorms."  
  
"Away from me?" Lorelai raised her eyebrows questioningly.  
  
"I didn't… that's not what I meant." Luke stammered as Lorelai maintained her offended expression.  
  
"She loves me! There is no way she'll miss living away from me, Luke!"  
  
"I know! I didn't mean…"  
  
"You think she won't want to come home to me? You think I'm so awful to live with?" She continued.  
  
"No! I just…" Luke sighed and tried to re-arrange his thoughts a little. "I just meant that she's always wanted to go to college and… living in dorms was a part of that experience and maybe she's been enjoying the experience and… Of course she'll want to come home to you, who wouldn't?"  
  
As Luke's words sunk in, Lorelai blushed and smiled, averting her eyes to the counter. Luke simply stared at her in horror.  
  
"I… I didn't mean…" He started and she laughed softly.  
  
"It's ok Luke. I was just messing with you the whole time anyway. I take full responsibility for your flustered… outburst."  
  
"Good… ok… I have to…" Luke pointed in several directions and finally retreated into the kitchen.  
  
Lorelai watched him, smiling and chuckling to herself. 

* * * * * 

  
Lorelai woke from her dream in shock. She sat up quickly in bed and looked around the room.  
  
Just the one alarm clock. So it couldn't have been real.  
  
She felt a slight wave of disappointment wash over her as she allowed herself to rest back on her elbows. She glanced at her clock beside the bed and sighed when she saw that it was just past 5am. Too early to call Rory and still be considered a good mother. But she had a feeling it was too late to try and get back to sleep. The dream had woken her up to such an extent that her mind was busy with thoughts. Too many to quiet down enough to catch a few more hours of rest.  
  
She swung her legs over the side of the bed and yawned, reaching idly for a scrunchie on her nightstand and pulling her hair back into a loose ponytail.  
  
It occurred to her that she didn't know what to do at 5am. Was it too early for coffee? She smirked at the very thought. It was _never_ too early for coffee!  
  
After a few minutes of sitting and yawning, Lorelai pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and made her way downstairs to start some coffee brewing.  
  
"No!"  
  
The shriek of horror would have woken the whole neighborhood if it had been any louder.  
Lorelai picked up the coffee bag and tipped it upside down over the coffee maker. Shaking it frantically, her jaw dropping further at each futile attempt to get _something_ coffee-like out of it.  
  
"5am, and there's no coffee. I'm awake… 5am and there's no coffee. I need the coffee. It's 5am and there's no coffee. Lorelai needs the coffee! I'm speaking in third person… this is bad!" She muttered to herself as she paced in circles around the kitchen.  
  
She looked down at her hands, realizing she'd been scratching one with the other. As she watched, white zig-zag scratch marks appeared in the center of the red patch on the back of her left hand. One thought went through her mind, and she said it out loud.  
  
"Must have coffee."  
  
She hurried towards the front door, slipping her feet into a pair of sneakers and grabbing her jacket from its hook on the wall before pulling the door open and darting out into the hazy 5am sunrise of Stars Hollow.  
  
Wandering around town at such an early hour on a Sunday morning was new to Lorelai. And to her surprise, she realized she liked it.  
She liked the way the birds sang, as if each tree was a church, and they'd all gathered to sing hymns together.  
She liked the way the streets were so quiet, and she could hear every little sound. That was a new experience. Usually she was only awake and wandering around when other people were. The sound of cars passing or people talking, blocked out the singing birds, rustling leaves and the sound Apricot made as he scratched the trunk of a near by tree.  
  
Before she knew it, she was standing in front of Luke's. And a smile spread across her face. She wasn't exactly sure what she was feeling, but in this quiet hour with nothing else on her mind, she realized for the first time that stepping into Luke's Diner gave her the most comforting sensation. Maybe it was the smell of pancakes, or the promise of coffee. Or the guarantee that Luke would always be there.  
  
She stepped up to the entrance and watched Luke taking chairs down from tables in the deserted diner. She tapped lightly on the glass and Luke looked over at her. He was visibly shocked to see Lorelai standing at his door at such an early hour.  
  
"What's wrong? Are you ok? Is Rory ok?" He asked almost desperately as he unlocked and opened the door.  
  
"Calm down." She chuckled warmly. "Everything's fine. With one exception."  
  
Luke stared at her expectantly, still holding the door open. Poised to race out and fix whatever was broken. Find whatever was lost.  
  
"It's like… 5:22am and I haven't had coffee yet!" She smirked in reply to his questioning gaze.  
  
He let out the panicked breath he'd been holding and shut the door.  
  
"What are you doing up at 5:22am anyway?" He asked with a frown as he went back to work. "Isn't it against Gilmore rules to rise before 8am at the earliest?"  
  
"I know. But I had this weird dream and I just couldn't get back to sleep." She sighed, taking a seat at the counter. "And then I went downstairs to make coffee and, shock horror, there was none!"  
  
Luke smiled knowingly as he stepped behind the counter and turned on the coffee maker.  
  
"So what was this dream about? Coffee?" He teased.  
  
"Kind of." She laughed softly.  
  
She picked up a saltshaker and idly turned it upside down, letting some of its contents spill onto the counter.  
  
"Hey, I just wiped that!" Luke protested.  
  
"I'll clean it up before you open. Junkies promise." She grinned, holding her right hand up, her index and middle fingers crossed.  
  
Luke rolled his eyes and started sweeping the floor behind the counter. Lorelai began drawing circles in the salt, staring at her 'art' musingly.  
  
"There were like… twenty alarm clocks in my room. And they all went off at the same time."  
  
"Why would you have twenty alarm clocks in your room?" Look paused and looked at her as if she were crazy.  
  
"In my dream." Lorelai clarified. "And I went downstairs and you were in the kitchen making breakfast."  
  
"That sounds about right." Luke smirked. "My coming to your home to cook for you so you wouldn't have to struggle all the way to the diner. Something that would only happen in your dreams."  
  
"Actually…" Lorelai paused as she tried to restrict the large smile that stretched across her face. "I think we were married."  
  
Luke's head snapped up and his eyes widened. If he hadn't been listening intently before, he was now.  
  
"Wh… What makes you say that?" He asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.  
  
"Well, for one thing, you had access to my bedroom to set up the alarm clocks. And… you hid my regular coffee and replaced it with decaf. Apparently it wasn't the first time."  
  
"It was for your own good." He smiled slightly, leaning on the handle of the broom and watching her as she continued to talk contentedly about her dream.  
  
"I found the regular coffee though. You offered to put a toy in my cereal if I could go one day without coffee." She chuckled.  
  
"Did you go for it?"  
  
"I think it got a 'dirty'. But no firm commitment."  
  
"Of course 'dirty', what else would it be?" He replied sarcastically.  
  
"And then I told you we needed cotton balls and q-tips… and you said you'd be home early…"  
  
"We lived together?"  
  
"Hello, I said we were married. Try to focus, please." She teased.  
  
"Oh, yeah… sorry… continue."  
  
"That's it." Lorelai sighed. "Except…"  
  
"Except…?" Luke eyed her curiously.  
  
"I think… actually, I'm pretty sure I was pregnant…"  
  
Lorelai looked up at Luke and smiled at his surprised expression.  
  
"See… you, um… you kissed me goodbye, and then you talked to my stomach. You said 'Goodbye Sid and Nancy.'"  
  
"Sid and Nancy?" Luke managed to choke out after a brief pause.  
  
"Twins I guess." Lorelai shrugged.  
  
They stood and sat in silence for a while, Luke staring in disbelief at Lorelai, Lorelai staring in oblivious pensiveness at her pile of salt.  
  
There was a 'click' as the coffee maker switched itself off and it seemed to wake them both up.  
  
"Coffee?" Luke asked quickly, leaning the broom against the wall.  
  
"Thought you'd never ask." Lorelai smiled warmly as he placed a mug in front of her. 

* * * * * 

  
"Independence Inn, this is Lorelai speaking."  
  
"Hey mom, it's me."  
  
"Hey babe… shouldn't you be in some kind of … lecture?" Lorelai asked, glancing at her watch.  
  
"Should be." Rory sighed. "Remember the lunch Paris and I were going to yesterday?"  
  
"Yeah…"  
  
"Well, Paris thinks that, somehow, a shrimp fell into her food."  
  
"How did a shrimp fall into her food?" Lorelai frowned.  
  
"I don't know. But something caused her throat to close up and she's blaming the shrimp."  
  
"Oh my gosh… is she ok?"  
  
"Well, she's talking about lawsuits, so I'd say yeah." Rory chuckled slightly.  
  
Lorelai paused and smiled as she heard 'I don't care what you think, get me Richard Blumenthal!'  
  
"Wow… she really is on the war path." Lorelai smirked.  
  
"Yeah… hold on."  
  
The was a strange noise as Rory covered the phone with her hand, and Lorelai could just about hear Rory telling Paris she needed to take her meds. She couldn't help but laugh to herself.  
  
"Sorry, back. Paris was having trouble breathing. They have her on these pills she has to take for 48 hours."  
  
"Bummer."  
  
"Yeah. So much so… that we're coming home early."  
  
"How early?" Asked Lorelai, trying to hide her excitement.  
  
"I'm packing as we speak." Rory sighed. "The bus gets in this evening at 7pm."  
  
"You ok?" Lorelai asked with as much sympathy as she could muster.  
  
"Yeah, I'm just a little disappointed that we're going to miss the breakfast mixer with members of Congress and the Senate." Rory said despondently. "But the doctor told the program coordinator that Paris would be better off at home, and I can't stay on my own. I'd feel really bad. I'm only here because Paris forced me to run with her… I wouldn't feel right staying if she leaves."  
  
"You're too sweet, you know that?"  
  
"I hate me." Rory mumbled.  
  
"Well, I miss you. And I'll be at the bus station in Hartford at 7pm, with coffee, eagerly awaiting your return."  
  
"Ok. See you soon. Bye mom."  
  
"Bye sweets."  
  
Lorelai smiled to herself and hung up the phone.  
  
"My baby's coming home." She giggled quietly as Michel walked over to the front desk. "My baby's coming home!" She repeated a little louder.  
  
Michel rolled his eyes and gave a grunt of displeasure before walking back in the direction he'd come from.


	12. Hello Darkness My Old Friend

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

This chapter contains lyrics from '_The Sound of Silence_' by Simon and Garfunkel.

FINALLY! ff.net lets me upload this chapter. Woohoo!

Thanks to Tye, ILoveJess, Jayde, blackrose, Arianna, megan, lilacmoon, JCtigerwolf4e, Leigh and sleepless-dreams for your reviews and encouragement.

Hope this is something in the realm of good. ;)

*~*~*~*

Rory stepped down off of the bus and sighed as she looked around at the crowds of people.  
  
"Hartford. Oh joy." Paris stated sarcastically, grabbing her bags from the trunk of the bus without waiting for them to be unloaded.  
  
"Home sweet home. Almost." Rory nodded.  
  
"Don't give me that. Hartford is just a temporary stop-over on my way out of this state."  
  
"Eighteen years, temporary." Rory smiled.  
  
"Compared to how long I plan to spend away from it, yes. Your mom's meeting you?" Paris asked, glancing around for any signs of Lorelai.  
  
"Yep. Yours?"  
  
"Very funny. No. My nanny will be here any minute, I assume. I'm sure my mother was at home and unoccupied. But when it comes to her only child, that doesn't mean she's available."  
  
"Parents. Can't live with them… Can't seem to get rid of them." Rory said lightly in an attempt to cheer Paris up.  
  
Paris smiled slightly and Rory smiled more.  
  
"So… I guess I'll see you at school in a few weeks." Paris sighed.  
  
"Sure. Or… maybe…"  
  
"Maybe what?" Paris asked in a tone that made it seem like she was suspicious of Rory.  
  
"Maybe, if you're not busy… but you probably are… but if you happened to not be, one day, maybe…"  
  
"Get to the point, Gilmore." Paris demanded.  
  
"If you don't mind slumming it… you could always come over and eat too much junk food again. I promise it's not a ruse to freeze your bra, too."  
  
Paris's smiled slightly and almost blushed as she shrugged.  
  
"I could. Maybe." She agreed softly. "Maybe you can invite Jess over and I can teach him a thing or two about quality literature…" Paris stopped when she realized what she's said. "Sorry."  
  
"No need." Rory forced a smile and shrugged the comment off.  
  
As they both became aware that Paris's name was being called, they turned to see where the voice was coming from.  
  
"That's my ride." Paris sighed.  
  
"Okay. Well… I guess I'll call you maybe? Or… you can call me. If you want to."  
  
"Maybe." Paris nodded and smiled again.  
  
There was a brief pause, during which neither of them could think of a suitable way to end their six week stay together.  
Paris extended her hand in a professional manner.  
  
"Gilmore, it was a pleasure." She announced courteously, but obviously sincerely.  
  
"Indubitably, Geller." Rory grinned as she shook Paris's hand once strongly, reminiscent of some kind of pact.  
  
They shared another smile followed by a small, almost sad wave, before parting ways.  
Rory watched Paris leave for a moment before turning and making her way into the main building.  
  
"Hey Gilmore!"  
  
"Mom!" Rory cried out gleefully as the two made a mad dash for one another, hugging tightly and collapsing to the ground in a fit of excited giggles.  
  
"Oh, you got taller!" Lorelai sighed broodingly as she stroked Rory's hair gently out of her face before pulling her into another tight hug.  
  
"I didn't. But thanks. You got prettier!" Rory giggled, enjoying the embrace.  
  
"That's what comes from having the bathroom to myself for hours each day." Lorelai chuckled. "But I prefer being ugly and having my baby home!"  
  
"I missed you!"  
  
"No, I missed you!" Lorelai asserted. "Don't ever leave me again!"  
  
"I won't. Never ever!" Rory promised, breathing in her mother's familiar scent once more before pulling out of the hug.  
  
"That's my emotionally stunted girl!" Lorelai declared proudly. 

* * * * * 

  
As the Jeep passed the Stars Hollow sign Rory smiled. She was home.  
  
Everything looked just the way it had when she left it. But everything looked different. The Gazebo was exactly the same, but more beautiful in some way. Miss Patty's was alive with activity, something common. But more welcoming than usual. And Luke's diner loomed up ahead, bright with lights that were never too harsh. Always welcoming. But now… she felt dread in the pit of her stomach.  
  
"So, coffee?" Lorelai smiled broadly, turning into a parking space outside Luke's.  
  
"No." Rory replied quickly before Lorelai had even had chance to switch the engine off.  
  
"No?" Lorelai frowned. "No… to… to coffee? No?"  
  
"Yes. Yes, no to coffee." Rory insisted.  
  
"Because…?"  
  
"Because I…" Rory looked at the confusion and disappointment on Lorelai's face, and then up at the diner.  
  
Jess was there. She could see him through the window. He was actually smiling a little, which was something she wasn't used to seeing him do while working.  
He whipped Luke with a dishtowel as he walked past him, and Luke spun around, pointing a warning finger at him, causing him to put on his 'innocent' face and hold his hands up in defense.  
  
Lorelai followed her gaze and managed to repress the sigh building inside her.  
  
"Because I… just want to go home." Rory sighed, looking at her hands in her lap.  
  
"Ok…" Lorelai switched off the engine. "We'll get them to-go. It'll only take a second."  
  
"No."  
  
"Rory…"  
  
"Mom. Please? Can we just go home?"  
  
Lorelai took in the almost desperate expression on her daughters face and nodded slowly.  
  
"Ok. Lets go home." She agreed finally, turning the key in the ignition and bringing the Jeep back to life.  
  
The remainder of the brief drive home was silent. Rory sat, with her arms wrapped around herself in a protective and comforting way.  
Lorelai glanced at her every so often and, each time, she frowned a little more.  
  
Once the Jeep was in it's usual place in the Gilmore yard, Lorelai shut off the engine and the silence quickly became unbearable. Rory made a move to open her door and get out, when Lorelai made a confession that stopped her in her tracks.  
  
"I know." Lorelai blurted out. "I know about the phone calls."  
  
Rory froze and hesitantly turned to look at her mother.  
  
"What phone calls?" She asked.  
  
"You, Jess… nightly since you left." Lorelai continued in frustration.  
  
There was a pause while Rory tried to figure out what to say. Eventually she pushed open her door and got out.  
  
"It's not what you think." She protested, shutting her door. Lorelai quickly followed.  
  
"You don't want to know what I think."  
  
"I don't want to, but I do." Rory snapped, turning to face Lorelai as they reached the porch. "You think Jess and I are together. Or that we're plotting to be together now I'm home. That I'm cheating on Dean."  
  
"Well?" Lorelai held her hands up in a questioning gesture. "What else would he need to call you that often for?"  
  
"We're friends."  
  
"Yeah? Well, I'm your mom, and your _best_ friend, and I didn't call you as often as he did!"  
  
"I didn't ask him to call. And it's not my fault he called me more than you!" Rory retorted.  
  
"Please God, don't tell me you think he cares about you more than I do?!" Lorelai almost shouted.  
  
"Of course not!"  
  
"Then what? Why was he calling you so much?"  
  
"Because… Because…"  
  
"Because… Because, what?"  
  
"Don't shout at me!" Rory pleaded, confusion and raised voices causing her head to pound.  
  
Lorelai took and deep breath and let it out slowly.  
  
"Ok. I'm sorry…" She said gently. "I just am scared. You lied to me. And Dean."  
  
"I didn't mean to." Rory said quietly. "I'm sorry I did. I just… I knew that neither of you would understand."  
  
"What is there to understand?"  
  
"That I wanted to talk to Jess. That he's my friend…"  
  
"Just a friend?" Lorelai asked skeptically.  
  
"Yes. Just a friend."  
  
"And you're sure you only want him as a friend?"  
  
"Yes!" Rory answered a little too quickly.  
  
Rory looked at the ground, kicking at the dirt with the toe of her shoe. Lorelai watched her for a while, arms folded firmly across her chest.  
  
"I don't like him." She admitted.  
  
"I know." Rory sighed.  
  
"I don't trust him."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Dean doesn't either."  
  
"I know." Rory muttered, finally looking up at her mother. "But I do. Doesn't that count for something?"  
  
"Of course it does babe… but… you have to try and see where we're coming from on this. Ok?"  
  
"I have tried. And I know he's done some… not so nice things. But you don't know him like I do…"  
  
"Maybe you don't know him…"  
  
"I do." Rory declared confidently.  
  
"Maybe you only think you do. I'm not saying he's… lying to you…"  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"No. Rory, you have to trust me on this one. I love you. And I want what is best for you. And so does Dean."  
  
Rory rolled her eyes and turned her face away from Lorelai.  
  
"He's a thief and a liar and a not so nice guy from what I've seen. And he seems to delight in coming between you and Dean. A guy you were crazy about until Jess came along…"  
  
"I still am!" Rory cut in. "I love Dean. But that doesn't mean I can't be friends with other guys, does it?"  
  
"Of course it doesn't. But… the right kind of guys…"  
  
"And who gets to define that? Dean? Miss Patty? Taylor? Do I have to ask permission at the town meeting before I'm seen conversing with another guy in the street? Just so I can be sure he's 'the right kind of guy' for me to be friends with?"  
  
"Me! I get to decide!" Lorelai snapped.  
  
"Why? Why not me? Why can't I choose? I love you. I love Dean. I love Lane and this town… doesn't that show that I am a good judge of character? That I keep good company and that I'm capable of deciding for myself who is worth my time, and who isn't?!"  
  
"Yes. It does show… all of that. But Jess is different…"  
  
"Why does that have to be bad? Why are you all so threatened by him?" Rory asked out of sheer bewilderment, tears springing to her eyes.  
  
"It doesn't have to be bad. He makes it bad!" Lorelai exclaimed in exasperation. "He treats people badly… and he actively tries to cause trouble. And he has no respect for me or Luke or anyone in this town…"  
  
"He respects me!"  
  
"Rory, did it ever occur to you that there's a reason?"  
  
"Yes! Because I'm the only person in this damn town that treats him like an equal, instead of an escaped convict!"  
  
"No. Because he can see that you're sweet and you're kind and you are an easy target to take advantage of."  
  
"Oh my god…" Rory groaned in disgust.  
  
"Rory, you have always trusted my judgment before… I am right about Jess…" Lorelai pleaded. "I know he seems charming and… intriguing and he shares interests with you that maybe no one else in your life really does. But that doesn't make him deserving of your trust!"  
  
"I know. What makes him deserving is that he has never purposefully hurt me. And he does these things that none of you would expect him to do… he brings me care packages when you're out of town, and he puts notes in the margins of books for me, and he reads to me when I can't sleep…"  
  
"He what?" Lorelai frowned.  
  
"And he sees me. Every one in Stars Hollow looks at me and sees this… precious little angel. This untouchable, unattainable, slice of perfection. And Jess sees an actual person!"  
  
"And I don't?"  
  
"Of course you do. But sometimes you can be just like the rest of them. You all expect me to keep up this flawless act. Have the perfect grades and the perfect boyfriend and always be polite and smile nicely… and… I'm sick of it. What about what I want?!"  
  
"Your happiness and what you want matters more to me than almost anything!"  
  
"Almost?" Rory frowned.  
  
"The only thing that matters more is your safety. That comes first. It always has and always will. And I don't think you're safe with him."  
  
Rory shook her head defiantly, trying to block out Lorelia's words. Before she knew what she was doing, she felt her feet moving and she realized she was walking away.  
  
"Rory!"  
  
"I need to be alone right now." She called back over her shoulder.  
  
Lorelai stared dejectedly at Rory's back as it disappeared into the darkness behind the Jeep. 

* * * * * 

  
She stared at him through the diner door.  
  
She wasn't sure how long she'd been walking around town. An hour. Maybe two. It was getting late, probably past 10pm. The diner was closed.  
  
The town was dark, except for it's signature twinkle lights. And quiet except for the sound of cars passing through the streets.  
  
She'd seen familiar faces milling around the diner and the town square, and she'd made certain they hadn't seen her. She didn't want to deal with the welcome home party just yet. She didn't want to deal with anything.  
  
She'd sat in the Gazebo for a while, gazing out at the town, gazing down at her shoes. Gazing at anything in particular, just trying to slow the thoughts that had been racing through her mind.  
  
She loved this town. This quiet little hamlet. She couldn't imagine a better place to grow up. Sure, it was sheltered and full of people who were probably certifiably insane. But everyone looked out for everyone else. Everyone cared  
  
Sometimes they cared too much.  
  
But she knew that was why they made it so difficult. Why they couldn't accept Jess. It was because they cared about her. Even though he hadn't pulled a prank or stolen anything in months, he was still shunned. And he didn't seem to care. He seemed to hate this town as much as she loved it.  
  
She was their little princess. The thought almost made her sick. To them she was this intelligent, beautiful, kind hearted, pure little girl. And they wanted her to stay that way. Because what if she was just like Jess? Then something would be missing. Things would change. And change in Stars Hollow wasn't often welcomed.  
  
She realized she was still staring at him. It was dark in there. But not quiet.  
  
He was standing behind the counter writing something on a sheet of paper. Every few seconds he'd look at a second piece of paper on the counter beside him and then write something else down. She assumed he was trying to figure out some kind of sum or maybe filling out an order form for Luke.  
  
She tilted her head to the side slightly, listening to the soft, muffled music coming from inside the unlit building.  
  
_And in the naked light I saw  
Ten thousand people, maybe more.  
People talking without speaking,  
People hearing without listening,  
People writing songs that voices never share  
And no one dare  
Disturb the sound of silence._  
  
A smile slowly crept onto her lips and she made a move to knock on the door. She wasn't sure if he noticed the movement out of the corner of his eye or he just knew she was there somehow. But he looked up, and their eyes locked.  
  
She swallowed hard as something hit her emotionally, something that almost knocked her over physically. She realized it was the look in his eyes. He looked hurt.  
  
After a while of just staring at each other, he started to make his way over to the door. He seemed almost scared, but she wasn't sure how Jess could ever be scared. The only time she'd ever seen him scared was after the accident. But this was different.  
  
He hated himself. He'd tried to hate her, but as he looked at her through the glass of the diner door, he realized that he didn't at all. And it made him hate himself more for not being capable of it.  
  
Ever since she'd stopped taking his calls he'd been telling himself it didn't matter. She didn't matter. And he was over it, and over her. She wasn't worth it and he didn't know why he had ever thought she was.  
  
And now, there she was. And there was only one thing standing in the way of him letting her back in. Literally.  
  
He was stood right by the door now, as close to it as she was. And they hadn't dropped their shared stare since they'd latched onto one another visually moments before. Only it seemed like longer.  
  
Jess broke the stare and slowly, agonizingly slowly, unbolted the door. Then wrapped his fingers around the handle and looked down at it.  
  
He wanted to walk away. He was sick of being out of control. He'd always been in control.  
  
Rory looked down at his hand and watched as he turned the handle and pulled the door open.  
  
Then he walked away.  
  
She stepped inside the diner and closed the door behind her. Jess had gone back to writing whatever it was he was writing and she had gone back to staring at him.  
  
"You know…" His voice broke through the music, but he didn't look up. "You've done such a good job of avoiding me that I should probably mention how much this little exchange goes against all your hard work."  
  
"It does."  
  
"So feel free to leave in the manner in which you entered. I won't tell anyone, and I have complete faith that you can probably convince yourself that this…" He gestured between the two of them with his pen. "Never happened."  
  
Rory didn't answer. She knew she deserved that, and that he had every right to be mad at her. And she had no right to deny him that.  
  
"Thanks for the offer." She said quietly. "But I'm here now."  
  
"Yep." He responded absently.  
  
"Jess?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Can you look at me?" She asked hesitantly, taking a few steps towards the counter.  
  
Jess stopped writing, but kept his eyes down, his gaze focused on the counter top.  
Could he look at her? Good question. And according to the lack of cooperation his neck was offering, the answer was no.  
  
"I'm busy." He replied coldly.  
  
"Can you take a break…? I need to tell you something."  
  
"Luke wants me to get this done before I go to bed and…" He very obviously faked a yawn. "I'm almost dead on my feet here. Maybe tomorrow?"  
  
Without thinking, he looked up at her. And they resumed staring. Rory's lips formed a nervous, apologetic half-smile and Jess looked away.  
  
"You… um…" He tapped his pen on the counter. "You're back early, aren't you?"  
  
"Yeah. Paris… ate a shrimp."  
  
"Oh." He nodded as if he needed no further explanation. "Well, then I guess we should be thanking every higher power that we didn't have an apocalypse on our hands."  
  
"Fruit baskets have been dispatched." Rory chuckled softly.  
  
This conversation was entirely too friendly for Jess's liking. He'd _promised_ himself that he wasn't going to do this.  
Rory frowned as he turned and walked into the kitchen. She heard running water and after a minute, Jess reemerged with a glass of water. He took a long sip and then set it down on the counter, turning it around in circles slowly, so he had something to focus his attention on.  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls."  
  
There was no response from Jess, but he did stop moving the glass.  
  
"I didn't mean to… hurt you." She continued gently.  
  
"Who's hurt?" He responded casually.  
  
"I just… I got scared."  
  
"Scared? It wasn't like I was reading you anything that'd keep you up at night." He retorted.  
  
"No… I know. I meant…" She sighed and started wringing her hands anxiously. "I was getting confused. My mom and Paris were asking questions about…" She wanted to say 'us'. But there wasn't one. "You and I talking every night."  
  
"Your mom knows?" He frowned.  
  
"Yeah. I'm not sure how… but she knows."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Anyway… I didn't want to give them the wrong impression. I… didn't want to give you the wrong impression."  
  
"And what impression would that be?" He asked.  
  
"That… that we're more than friends." She said quietly, looking everywhere except at him.  
  
"Just reading buddies, right?"  
  
"Yeah." She nodded.  
  
"Ok. 'Cos… when you ignored me, I was under the impression that we weren't even that."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Jess shrugged dismissively.  
  
"So… we're ok? I mean… we're still friends?" She asked hopefully.  
  
"Oh, best of." He mumbled sarcastically.  
  
"Jess…"  
  
"Fine, we're friends. Happy? Can I get back to work now? Or is there anything else you feel the dire need to unload onto me?"  
  
That silenced her. And, as much as he cursed himself for caring, he felt bad for it. He threw his pen down gently and stepped out from behind the counter slowly.  
  
"Look, I'm just tired."  
  
"Ok." She replied meekly.  
  
"We're fine. Ok? Friends." He offered half-heartedly.  
  
Rory nodded, but kept her eyes to the ground. He sighed.  
  
"I don't know what you want me to say, here. I… I just said we could be friends, I'm not sure what more you expect me to…"  
  
"I don't expect… anything." She said quickly, looking him in the eyes. "Honestly."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"I just… I wish I could be someone else." She sighed.  
  
"Who?" He smiled slightly.  
  
"Anyone with a spine would be good." She returned the smile and his grew.  
  
"It's ok. You're fickle. It's nothing to be ashamed of." He smirked.  
  
"I am not fickle!" She protested, her smile fading. "I'm not."  
  
"Ok. You're not." He replied quietly.  
  
"If I…" She took a deep breath. "If I led you on… I'm sorry. I didn't want to."  
  
Jess nodded and she looked away, assuming that was his only response.  
  
"Then why did you?" He asked bluntly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"If you didn't want to, then why did you?" He frowned.  
  
"I… I didn't mean to. That's what I meant. It was all just a bunch of mistakes and misunderstandings."  
  
"I'm flattered." He rolled his eyes.  
  
"I didn't mean that!"  
  
"Well maybe you should go and figure out what the hell you do mean, and then you can come back and tell me!" He shouted a little hasher than he meant to.  
  
Rory opened her mouth to respond but couldn't make any sound come out. So she closed it and looked away.  
  
"Sorry." He sighed, running his hand through his hair.  
  
"No… you're right." She said, the quiver in her voice indicating that she was close to tears. "I just keep… doing this. I keep confusing us both! And not on purpose, I just… when I'm with you…"  
  
"What?"  
  
"When I'm with you…" She looked at him and somehow managed to keep herself from crying.  
  
He hesitated for a second and then took a step forward. His fingers brushed across her cheeks and slid effortlessly into her hair as he pressed his lips against hers.  
  
He'd promised himself he wasn't going to do that either. That if they kissed again it was going to be her doing, and not his.  
  
As their lips met, a soft sigh escaped her. It was barely audible, but it was there. And it was produced by her inability to silence how much she'd wanted, thought and dreamt of moments just like it. She kissed him back. In a way that, even if she wanted to, she couldn't deny.  
  
"Jess…"  
  
He pulled her closer. He knew she was trying to end it and he knew she'd succeed. But he wasn't ready to just give up and let go.  
  
"Jess..." She pulled back. They looked at each other and Jess sighed, his arms falling to his sides in defeat. "I'm…"  
  
"Sorry." He nodded. "You can do that thing where you run away and deny it ever happened."  
  
"I'm not running away."  
  
Jess frowned slightly and studied her face, trying to read her expression and her mind. It was impossible.  
  
"Can we please be friends?" She asked.  
  
"That's all you want?" He asked sadly.  
  
"I don't know." She admitted. "But… I can't…" She looked around her, out of the window. He followed her stare.  
  
"You can't upset the balance?"  
  
She shook her head.  
  
"And plus… I lo…"  
  
"I know." He sighed. He didn't need to hear her declare her love for Dean.  
  
"So…?"  
  
"So…" He shrugged and held out his hand. "Friends."  
  
She smiled gratefully. Sadly. Her hand slipped slowly into his, and his fingers closed around hers.  
  
Friends. 


	13. We Never Change, Do We?

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

To the person who asked where Dean is, he's in Chicago. But he'll be back for the End Of Summer Festival, just like her was in GG.

Thanks to ILoveJess, Jayde, yesitsme, lilacmoon, Starrychicke90, Arianna, blackrose, JCtigerwolf4e, Leigh and Katie for all your reviews. I wish I could do something for you all to show you how grateful I am. I'll think of something...

*~*~*~*

The house was dark and quiet as Rory cautiously crossed the threshold. As silent as she tried to be while closing the door behind her, she still caught Lorelai's attention.  
  
"So you're home?" She asked. She didn't want an answer though.  
  
Rory jumped in fright and fell against the door.  
  
"Oh my god!" She gasped. "What kind of weirdo sits all alone in the dark of her living room until 11 o'clock at night?" She asked, hostility still in her tone no matter how much she tried to let it go.  
  
"Me." Lorelai answered plainly.  
  
"Noted."  
  
Rory took off her jacket and started to walk towards her room. Lorelai was hot on her heels.  
  
"Where have you been?"  
  
"Out."  
  
"Yeah, I know that. But where… and why? I was worried." Lorelai sighed.  
  
"You can stop worrying. The world is as it apparently should be." Rory muttered bitterly, pulling a fresh pair of pajamas out of her dresser and putting them on the bed.  
  
"What do you mean?" Lorelai frowned.  
  
Rory looked up at her mother and saw that Lorelai wasn't back for round two. She was worried and genuinely concerned. Of course she was. Lorelai was the person who cared most about her.  
  
"I was just wandering around thinking." Rory shrugged as she pulled off her shoes and threw them lightly towards her closet. "I needed some time to think. Alone."  
  
"So that your thoughts could be heard instead of everyone else's?" Lorelai asked almost apologetically.  
  
"Something like that." Rory nodded and sat on her bed.  
  
Lorelai watched her for a minute and then joined her, making sure she sat a little way away from Rory to give her some space.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"I didn't mean to get so upset. It's just… sometimes, I feel like I have no choice in anything." Rory admitted quietly, looking down at the bed.  
  
"Oh sweetie… you always have a choice!" Lorelai insisted, closing the distance between them and putting and arm around her daughter.  
  
"Really? I don't know." Rory shook her head.  
  
"Talk to me."  
  
"Tomorrow?" Rory asked hopefully. "The sheer volume of words I've spoken tonight has left me… wordless."  
  
Lorelai smiled faintly and nodded.  
  
"Tomorrow then." She agreed softly.  
  
She pulled Rory closer and the two shared an embrace that lasted several minutes. Strength was shared, pain was eased… questions went unanswered.  
Lorelai kissed Rory quickly on the top of the head as she stood up, and then walked over to the door.  
  
"Goodnight, sweets." She smiled softly.  
  
"Night, mom."  
  
As she started to close the door, Lorelai remember something else she wanted to say to her daughter.  
  
"Rory?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Welcome home, babe. We missed you." She said, gesturing to the house around them.  
  
"Thanks mom. I missed you too." She smiled back.  
  
Rory listened as her mom closed the door and walked through the house, up the stairs and into her room. And when she heard Lorelai's bedroom door close, she let out a long unsteady breath, her body relaxing.  
  
It wasn't fair. Her body ached and her head pounded but somehow, she didn't feel at all tired.  
  
She wished Jess would call. With the help of a book, he could take her somewhere different. They could accompany some lost soul as they figured life out for themselves. Or sit between two soul mates and watch them struggle against what was planned for them by everyone else.  
  
Things that were so tiring and consuming that she was asleep before the journey was over.  
  
That was all their month had been about. He'd call and they'd make small talk, though it was just as important to both of them as the rest of the call. Then he'd pick up from where they'd left off in the book the night before. Or if they'd finished a book he'd start a new one.  
And she listened quietly and sometimes, not often but sometimes, they'd talk about what they were reading and then he'd carry on with the story.  
After 5 chapters or so, depending on the length of them, Jess knew Rory was asleep. He'd finish the chapter and pause for a minute, waiting for her to ask why he'd stopped. But she wouldn't. And then he'd say her name, and she wouldn't answer.  
  
She didn't know how much effort it took for him to hang up the phone then. And she didn't know how much that scared him. He wasn't used to having something in his life, someone, that he had trouble letting go of. Even for twenty-four hours.  
He didn't like how vulnerable that seemed to make him. How much he'd allowed himself to actually look forward to their calls.  
And at the same time, he cherished it.  
  
Rory lay back on her bed and closed her eyes. The whole situation was just plain awful. 

* * * * * 

  
Luke stepped into his apartment and made a beeline for his desk.  
  
"Jess, have you seen the delivery organizer? I could've sworn I saw it right here." He sighed as he rifled through each draw once and then started all over again.  
  
There was no response from Jess, and Luke was used to that. What he wasn't used to was Jess staying in the apartment most of the day, but for the last week that was all he'd done.  
It'd taken some effort on Jess's part to convince Luke that he was owed a weeks vacation, since it was his summer break and working in the diner every day wasn't his idea of a break.  
  
That's when he heard it.  
  
_Momma had a chicken, Momma had a cow, Daddy was proud, he didn't care how!_  
  
Luke frowned and slowly walked over to where Jess was sat.  
  
"Did I just hear what I think I heard?" He asked in disbelief.  
  
"It's 'Cow and Chicken'." Jess responded matter-of-factly.  
  
"Good to know." Luke said dryly. "Why are you watching it, aside from its rather sick premise… it looks like a kiddy show!"  
  
"Yeah, but you see… I have been working hard all week, Uncle Luke… and I have finally done it."  
  
"Done what…?" Luke asked cautiously, almost afraid of the answer.  
  
"I have single-handedly sunk to new lows in television viewing. I just sat through 2 episodes of 'SpongeBob SquarePants', now I'm going to watch 'Cow and Chicken'. And when that's over I'll either watch 'The View' or 'Jenny Jones'. It all depends on whether Jenny is doing make-overs or paternity tests." He informed Luke.  
  
Luke stared at Jess in bewilderment.  
  
"Are you telling me you've been watching this crap all week?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"On my television?!"  
  
"Uh… Yes." Jess nodded, never looking away from the screen.  
  
He shook his head in complete astonishment and slowly headed back for the apartment door.  
  
"As long as the nice folks at 'Jenny Jones' don't call you up and invite you to take a paternity test on the show…. I don't care what you watch." Luke announced.  
  
"I guess that means that later, when I'm watching 'Freakazoid!', you won't mind?"  
  
"As long as its not some MTV show where no one seems to know what clothes are… no, I won't."  
  
Jess nodded and went back to watching TV, while Luke took one last glance around the apartment and then opened the door.  
  
"Oh, by the way… Rory's looking for you."  
  
"Oh?" Jess forced himself to sound and look uninterested.  
  
"Yeah. She hasn't exactly _said_ that she is… but she sits in that diner every morning looking like she's expecting some celebrity to come down from our apartment. And when they don't, she leaves looking like a teeny-bopper who couldn't get Britney's autograph."  
  
Jess tried to hide the smirk that was threatening to invade his features, but failed.  
  
"Just thought you might want to know." Luke added.  
  
"Thanks." Jess replied casually, saluting Luke with the TV remote.  
  
Luke rolled his eyes and mock saluted back while mumbling something about 'Cartoon Network destroying brain cells' and then left.  
  
He felt almost bad when he pushed back the curtain and stepped into the diner. Rory's face lit up at the movement, and then fell when she saw that it wasn't who she's hoped it'd be.  
They said they'd be 'friends'. It was kind of hard to be friends with someone if they never spoke to, saw or otherwise contacted you. But she knew she had no right to be upset at Jess. None at all.  
  
The bells over the diner door jingled softly, but Lorelai and Rory were so used to the sound that they didn't look up. Luke, on the other hand, was always checking to see which new customer the bells were welcoming.  
  
This customer caused Luke's face to darken. The man approached Lorelai and Rory where they were seated at the counter.  
  
"Knock, knock."  
  
Lorelai's head snapped up and a smile spread across her face.  
  
"Who's there?" She asked in playful curiosity as she and Rory exchanged pretend 'clueless' shrugs.  
  
"Atch."  
  
"Atch who?" Lorelai chuckled.  
  
The customer pulled a handkerchief from his jeans and held it over Lorelai's shoulder.  
  
"Cover your mouth when you sneeze."  
  
Lorelai laughed softly and accepted the handkerchief as she turned around in her seat.  
  
"Christopher." She smiled softly.  
  
"Dad!" Rory grinned gleefully as she jumped off of her stool and hugged him.  
  
"What a welcome!" He laughed, lifting her and hugging her tighter.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Lorelai asked.  
  
"I had a spare weekend, and I thought that Rory had been home long enough to be settled again… and I just jumped on the bike and headed down to see the Gilmore Girls!" He declared happily as Lorelai stood up and hugged him.  
  
"We're glad you came!" Rory smiled broadly. "Right?"  
  
"Right." Lorelai agreed.  
  
"Me too. I just got hugged by the two most gorgeous women in Connecticut, you could kill me now and I'd die happy."  
  
"Well, as comforting as that is to know, we'll spare you." Lorelai chuckled.  
  
"Much appreciated." He laughed. "So… can I steal you away from your precious diner, or are you still shoveling food into those bottomless pits you call stomachs?" He teased.  
  
"I think that was some form of ridicule." Lorelai gasped.  
  
"I think so too." Rory agreed, unable to keep herself from smiling.  
  
"No, no. I admire the amount of food you guys can consume in one sitting. Always have." Chris assured them.  
  
"Hmm." Lorelai eyed him suspiciously, her arms folded across her chest. "What do you think?" She mumbled to Rory.  
  
"Graciously accept the compliment and forget former ambiguous comment?" Rory suggested.  
  
"Sounds good." Lorelai nodded.  
  
"Ok." Rory agreed as they both smiled at Chris.  
  
"So, what now? Lunch?" Chris joked, seeing the almost completely eaten breakfasts sitting on the counter.  
  
"Ah, you jest, but you never know!" Lorelai giggled.  
  
Luke watched sadly as Chris guided Lorelai and Rory out of the diner, the three of them laughing and joking. A family.  
He wasn't aware that, moments before, Jess had slipped into the diner and had seen the happy group leaving.  
  
"Are you ok?" Jess asked quietly. As much as he usually liked to annoy Luke, he knew that this was nothing to tease or taunt about.  
  
"I'm fine." Luke muttered, throwing his dishtowel onto the counter. "Caesar, I'll be upstairs." He boomed into the kitchen before pushing past Jess and disappearing behind the curtain.  
  
Jess sighed and shook his head as he looked out of the window. He could still see them.  
It had always been obvious that Luke liked Lorelai. And whenever Chris came to town Luke was on edge. Lately, Jess had watched Luke and Lorelai grow closer than ever, and the look on Luke's face made it clear that this time it hurt more than any other. 

* * * * * 

  
"Locked out?"  
  
Rory looked up from her book and smiled slightly.  
  
"Nope. I just felt like being outside. It's nice out. Not too hot." She shrugged and closed the book, letting her thumb act as a marker.  
  
"True." Jess nodded and remained standing in front of her.  
  
"Oh…" Rory scooted across the porch step and patted a spot beside her. "Sit."  
  
"Is that a request or a command?" He smiled slightly.  
  
"Depends which one you're more likely to respond to." She chuckled.  
  
He sat beside her and they stared out at the Gilmore's front yard quietly, neither feeling a desperate need to say anything.  
  
"I love summer." Rory mused quietly, pulling her knees up under her chin and hugging them to her. "Everything is so much more… alive."  
  
"I prefer fall."  
  
"Really?" Rory scrunched up her face. "But… everything is dying."  
  
"Ah, but it does it in a very colorful way." He smirked.  
  
"But it's still dying."  
  
"But it's not dead. It's not as bright and loud as summer. But it's not as cold and dead as winter. It's… just changing." He shrugged.  
  
"I guess that explains why I'm not a fan of fall. I'm not one for change." She smiled and he nodded.  
  
"But that's the beauty of it. Everything around you changes, and you don't have to change at all." He explained.  
  
"Hm. I never thought of it like that."  
  
"Glad I could open you up to a new way of thinking." He laughed softly.  
  
They fell back into a comfortable silence, stealing glances at one another every few minutes.  
  
"Why are you here?" Rory finally asked.  
  
"Not entirely sure." He admitted. "I stepped outside of the diner… put one foot in front of the other a couple of times, and here I am."  
  
"Oh. You took a little walk?" She smiled softly.  
  
"It was more of a mosey, really."  
  
"Not many people appreciate a good mosey anymore." She chuckled.  
  
"I know. They're all so busy sauntering and strolling. It's sad how easily they over look the thrill of a mosey." He continued as seriously as he could with Rory giggling beside him.  
  
"This is a very pathetic subject." She noted.  
  
"Definitely. Maybe we should advance to something a little more intellectual? Like… is the grass really greener on the other side?"  
  
"Well… no." Rory laughed softly, trying to control herself and act as seriously as Jess. "Look… Babette's lawn is exactly the same shade of green as ours."  
  
"Yes, but Babette's lawn isn't on the other side of anything." He corrected her.  
  
"It is."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah. It's on the other side of the property line." She laughed.  
  
Jess's brow creased into a frown and he opened his mouth to argue the comment, but couldn't think of a good comeback.  
  
"Nice going Gilmore. You just killed our most intellectually stimulating topic of conversation!" He taunted.  
  
"I don't know, maybe if you were a little smarter…"  
  
"Hey!" Jess put on his most convincing wounded expression. "There are some things that not even Chilton can teach you."  
  
"Like what?" She challenged.  
  
"Like… How annoying it is to have grass down your shirt."  
  
"What?" Rory frowned.  
  
In a movement that was so quick and coordinated that it only confused Rory more, Jess grabbed a handful of freshly cut grass from the lawn beside them, pulled the neck of Rory's shirt out a little and dumped the grass down her top.  
Rory screamed and jumped up, hopping around in front of Jess, much to his amusement.  
  
"Pig!" She shouted at him through breathless laughter.  
  
"Hey, I'm not one to run from opportunity." He answered simply.  
  
"I can't believe you did that. If I told Taylor, he'd have you doing community service for the rest of summer." She threatened playfully.  
  
"For putting grass down Rory Gilmore's shirt?" He asked skeptically. "Not even Taylor Doose is that cracked."  
  
"Think about what you just said. In the same amount of unnecessary detail as Taylor would." She chuckled.  
  
Jess rested his chin on his hand and wrinkled his brow, trying to look as thoughtful as he could. He smiled slightly.  
  
"Wow… I'm right up there with the likes of a peeping tom." He laughed softly.  
  
Rory continued trying to get the grass out of her shirt and eventually gave up and sat down beside him again.  
  
"So…" He sighed after a brief pause. "What were you reading?"  
  
Rory frowned and then realized she had been reading when he arrived.  
  
"Oh." She picked up her book and showed it to him.  
  
"'The Sun Also Rises'." He smiled slightly.  
  
"Couldn't leave it unfinished, could I?" She smiled slightly.  
  
He looked up at her and they held eye contact for a moment before she looked down at her book.  
  
"But you've read it before?" He asked, trying to break the tension filled silence.  
  
"Yeah, but I still can't just stop reading halfway through." She smiled slightly. "I won't be able to forget that I didn't finish it. It'll haunt me."  
  
"You're so over-dramatic." He chuckled.  
  
"I need closure. I can't just… eat half a chocolate cake and put the rest in the fridge! What kind of person would that make me?"  
  
"Normal?" He offered with a smirk and she glared at him playfully.  
  
"It's like having half a conversation with someone and then walking away!" She explained and he nodded.  
  
As they continued to discuss Rory's inability to leave something half done, neither of them allowed their minds to settle on what they both knew was unfinished and unsaid. They were both too grateful for the comfortable conversation they were sharing. 

* * * * * 

  
Lorelai opened the diner door and closed her eyes as she breathed in the smell of cheeseburgers.  
  
"Mmm. Beef. It's what's for dinner." She laughed softly and was surprised when Luke didn't even acknowledge her presence.  
  
She followed him back to the counter and placed her purse on a stool.  
  
"Hey, Luke." She smiled cheerfully.  
  
"Hey." He replied, still not looking at her.  
  
"Um… everything ok?" She frowned.  
  
"Dinner rush." He mumbled, gesturing to the other customers in the diner. "What can I get you?"  
  
"Two coffee's, to go."  
  
"To go?" He asked, finally making eye contact with her.  
  
"Yeah, Chris is taking me out to dinner tonight, he says he has something he needs to tell me. But I promised Rory I'd stop by and get her a coffee."  
  
"Dinner? Anywhere nice?"  
  
"Apparently. It's Château… Château… Poulet or something else equally French." She chuckled.  
  
"Well… it sounds nice. But sometimes things sound nice and then they aren't as nice as you thought. Sometimes somewhere like this Château Poulet place might give out the impression that they serve great food, but the actual food can make you choke or gag."  
  
"Ok…" Lorelai frowned but tried to ignore the look of frustration on Luke's face.  
  
"All I'm saying is… don't get your hopes up, 'cos sometimes these slick, fancy types… they can be a big disappointment. I mean… at least with… I dunno… food from a diner… you know what you're getting."  
  
Lorelai smiled and nodded, knowing what Luke was saying, even though he wasn't aware that she'd cracked his 'code'.  
  
"And I know that you're probably sick of diner food, 'cos you have it every day and it's boring and monotonous and… now you've got the chance to go to this hip… new place and it's all exciting and romantic. But you shouldn't underestimate boring and monotonous, 'cos at least it's too dull to run off and let you down…"  
  
Lorelai leaned across the counter, grabbing Luke and pulling him into a kiss that surprised them both.  
She let go of him and pulled back slowly, blushing a bright shade of pink.  
  
"Well…" Luke cleared his throat and looked around at the surprised customers.  
  
"Well…" Lorelai laughed softly, trying to hide her embarrassment.  
  
"Enjoy your dinner."  
  
"I will, thank you." She nodded, picking up her purse and walking to the door.  
  
Luke let out a deep breath, staring at the counter, his eyes wide with shock.  
  
"Luke?" She called back to him as she opened the door.  
  
"Yeah?" He replied quickly.  
  
"See you for coffee after dinner?" She asked hopefully.  
  
"Won't you be having coffee at the fancy place? I mean… those types of places usually serve coffee…" He babbled.  
  
"Yeah. But… I prefer yours."  
  
"Oh. Ok. Well, sure. See you then… then." He smiled slightly.  
  
Lorelai returned the smile and left, pulling the door closed behind her and leaning against it for a moment, trying to get her heartbeat to slow down, afraid that if she tried to walk home too soon, her knees would buckle and she'd fall. 


	14. Obscured by Clouds

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

I just wanted to say a quick '**I hate you!**' to the WB for canceling Milo's spin-off. It was bad enough that he had to leave Gilmore Girls, worse that he left the way he did. There are no words for how much it sucks that his show fell through after all that. But **GOOD LUCK** to Milo in any project he pursues now. He is a wonderful actor and he deserves something great. If he doesn't return to Gilmore Girls, I know he, and the character of Jess Mariano, will be sorely missed. 

**Edited to add:** You can read about the cancellation of the spin-off at **zap2it.com**. It's on the main page right now. (06/19/03)

Thanks to the usual suspects; Jayde, Arianna, blackrose, JCtigerwolf4e, Len, lilacmoon, Starrychick90, ILoveJess and Tye. Also thanks to Kayla, Coolio02, Samantha, lauren and s.

Well, this is the penultimate chapter of this fic. Hope you enjoy it... 

*~*~*~*

The waiter set a delicate looking dessert down in front of Lorelai and she smiled up at him.  
  
"Thank you, it looks wonderful."  
  
The waiter responded with a sole nod and then walked away.  
  
"Wow… it has a little chocolate nest thing over it." She chuckled, picking up the skillfully constructed cocoon and breaking a piece off.  
  
"How does is taste?" Chris asked as Lorelai popped the chocolate into her mouth.  
  
"Like heaven." She laughed softly. "Chocolate heaven. The best kind."  
  
"Good. I'm glad you enjoyed tonight."  
  
"Mm. Speaking of… what's the news?" She asked, moving her dessert aside and leaning forwards.  
  
"News?"  
  
"Yes. While tonight has been lovely, we are now onto dessert and you still haven't given me even the slightest hint about what it is you brought me here to tell me."  
  
"It's just a very… sensitive subject." He cringed. "I don't want you to be upset."  
  
"Chris, you're starting to worry me now, so just… say it." She pleaded, her concern evident in her features.  
  
"Ok. Well… As you know, Sherry and I have been living together for a while now, a year almost. And I know you don't really like her much, and that you guys got off on the wrong foot. But… I'm really hoping that can change. Because we're having a baby." He looked at Lorelai hopefully, almost dreading her reaction.  
  
"You're what?"  
  
"Sherry's pregnant… we're gonna' have a baby." He laughed uncertainly.  
  
"Wow." Lorelai took a deep breath and let out a laugh that was just as uncertain as Chris's.  
  
"Are you ok?" He asked gently.  
  
Lorelai looked up and him and then down and the tablecloth. She smiled softly and nodded, finally looking back up at him.  
  
"I'm fine. Honestly."  
  
"Honestly?"  
  
"Completely fine, I swear." She nodded.  
  
And it was true. Maybe, under any other circumstances, she would have been devastated. Her childhood sweetheart was having a baby with another woman. And where birth is usually a beginning, for them it would have meant an end.  
  
"Good. Because I know that… things have always been on again off again between us, you know? Ever since Rory was a baby, we've never been a couple but we've never been completely 'over'. And… I don't want to hurt you, Lore." He said sincerely.  
  
"I know." She reached across the table and held his hand. "But… really, I'm ok. Things have been changing over the last few months. And I'm in a good place right now." She smiled just thinking about it.  
  
"I'm glad." He smiled back.  
  
"Wow… this is so great Chris. You're going to be a daddy again!" She chuckled.  
  
"I know. But… I swear that I'm not just going to forget you and Rory. There's no way I could."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Good. Because I love you guys, you're my family. You always have been. And it's not going to change, it's just going to…"  
  
"Expand?" Lorelai offered.  
  
"I hope."  
  
Lorelai stood up and Chris followed her example. Ignoring the rest of the customers in the restaurant, the two hugged tightly.  
  
  
* * * * *  
  
Rory stared up at the fluffy white clouds in the blue sky over Stars Hollow, and smiled.  
  
All around her the town was bustling with energy and activity, as everyone enjoyed the first annual 'Stars Hollow End of Summer Madness Festival'.  
  
"Whatcha' looking at?"  
  
Rory looked at the person who had sat down beside her on the bench, smiled and then returned her attention to the clouds.  
  
"An ice cream Sundee." She grinned, pointing at one of the clouds.  
  
"Huh." Jess tilted his head to the side. "What flavor?"  
  
"It's a cloud!" Rory giggled. "How should I know what flavor it is?"  
  
Jess looked at her and raised a questioning eyebrow. Rory blushed.  
  
"Half Baked and Karamel Sutra."  
  
"Sprinkles?"  
  
"Rainbow. And whipped cream, _and_ a cherry." She added with a nod of approval.  
  
"Where's the cone?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Ice cream sucks in a bowl. It has to be in a cone!" He reminded her.  
  
"Ah, yes, but this is a sundee. They are too big for cones." She corrected him.  
  
"So we'll split it. It's not too big for two cones." He smiled playfully.  
  
"You want me to split my cloud sundee with you?"  
  
"It's the decent thing to do. It's the only way to involve cones." He pointed out.  
  
"How about we crumble the cones over the sundee? Would that count?" She asked hopefully.  
  
"Can I share?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then yes, that definitely counts."  
  
They smiled at one another and simultaneously looked back up at the sky.  
  
"What do you see?" Rory asked.  
  
"Uh…" Jess pointed to a large fluffy cloud. "See that?"  
  
"Hard to miss." Rory giggled.  
  
"That… is a bear in a La-Z-Boy recliner."  
  
Rory burst out laughing and Jess just smiled and continued his breakdown of the cloud.  
  
"See… there's the ears… and the nose… and there are his feet on the little foot rest thing."  
  
"I see it." She nodded. "That's freaky how much it actually looks like a bear in a recliner." She laughed.  
  
They were so busy enjoying their uncomplicated conversation and the laughter brought about by it, that neither of them noticed they had company.  
  
"Rory?"  
  
Rory's laugher died down as she turned around and looked up at Dean, standing behind them.  
  
"Dean!" She cried cheerfully through the remains of her amusement.  
  
She jumped off of the bench and hugged him.  
  
"Hey… I just got back." He said, forcing a smile, unable to ignore that fact that Jess was still sitting there.  
  
"You're early. I thought you weren't going to be home until later this evening!" She frowned.  
  
"Last minute change of plans." He said, kissing her gently.  
  
Jess looked down at his hands and shook his head slightly before getting up to leave.  
  
"I'll see you later maybe." He said nonchalantly to Rory.  
  
"Oh… yeah. Maybe." She said, her smile fading when she saw the look on his face.  
  
As Jess walked away towards the diner, Dean watched him. And Rory noticed the look of contempt in Dean's eyes.  
  
"We were just talking." She stated quietly.  
  
"Talking, laughing… flirting. Whatever." Dean shrugged, feigning disinterest.  
  
"We weren't flirting."  
  
"Fine, you weren't flirting. Let's just forget about it." He sighed.  
  
"Dean, he's my friend…"  
  
"God knows why."  
  
"Dean…"  
  
"Look… I haven't seen you in over a month and a half now. I come back and you and Jess are all chummy… forgive me if, after everything that's happened, that doesn't fill me with warm fuzzy feelings, Rory!"  
  
"I'm sorry… but he is just a friend. Trust me." She pleaded.  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Ok?"  
  
"Yeah… lets just enjoy the festival." He sighed, putting his arm around her.  
  
Rory forced a smile and slipped her arm around Dean's waist as they wandered off into the crowds of Stars Hollow residents.  
  
  
* * * * *  
  
When Luke saw Lorelai walk into the diner he suddenly felt the urge to hide, or run away. He wasn't exactly sure why. But he had a feeling that nothing good could come from finally getting what he'd always wanted.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Hey." He responded uncertainly.  
  
There was still time to run. Of course, he'd look incredibly stupid pushing past Lorelai and darting out onto Main Street, but he thought he might look just as stupid when Lorelai told him it was all a big mistake and he dropped to his knees, begging her to take it back!  
  
"I see Taylor's little festival has left you with a very empty diner." She observed.  
  
"Yeah, well… you know Taylor, any opportunity to piss me off, and there he is. Grabbing it." Luke sighed.  
  
"I'm actually glad there's no one around… I think we should talk…" She started gently.  
  
"Oh, no. You know what? It's ok. I get it, and I'm totally fine with it."  
  
"It? What is it?" She smiled.  
  
"It… the whole 'you're a great guy, you're a great friend' thing that comes right before you tell me what a mistake certain things were… I get it." He explained with the help of a few hand gestures.  
  
"Ok. But… I think we're talking about different 'it's here."  
  
"No. I'm sure it's the same it. Maybe a little different in places, but basically, the same it."  
  
"Luke…" She laughed softly.  
  
"Lorelai, it's ok. Really. Go enjoy the stupid festival thing. I understand. Say no more. It's fine. We're fine." He nodded.  
  
"That's good."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"But there's something else…"  
  
"Yeah, I think I know what that is too… and I am totally fine with that. I don't have any bad feelings about anything and we're still friends."  
  
"Luke… can I please just… say something?"  
  
"Yes, but I think I know what you're going to say anyway…"  
  
"Well, maybe I'll surprise you?"  
  
"Maybe. But I doubt it." He sighed.  
  
Lorelai walked over to the counter, and as she got closer Luke tensed up and started moving away.  
  
"Luke?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Can you stay still…? You're making me dizzy." Lorelai chuckled.  
  
"I think there's something over there I need to clean." He said, pointing to a table on the other side of the diner.  
  
"Can it wait for a few minutes?" She asked.  
  
"No… probably not." He said, never taking his eyes off of the table, refusing to look at Lorelai.  
  
"Ok, well… if you absolutely have to clean it right now, I guess I'll just talk while you do it."  
  
Luke sighed. He realized that no matter what he said or did he wasn't going to prevent Lorelai saying what she was going to say. So he may as well just stand there and take it like a man.  
  
"Forget the table." He blurted out. "Say it… go on." Luke motioned for Lorelai to speak.  
  
"Ok. Well… I thought we should probably talk about the…"  
  
Before Lorelai could finish what she was saying, the diner door opened and Miss Patty and Babette walked in.  
  
"Luke, Sweet heart, can you please get us a couple of iced teas? We're melting out there and Taylor is trying to charge us $4 a cup!" Miss Patty exclaimed.  
  
"Coming right up!" Luke exclaimed in relief as he began to get their drinks ready.  
  
Lorelai forced a smile and waved at Patty and Babette, willing them to leave so she could finally tell Luke what she had been thinking about since the previous night. When it looked like they weren't going to leave anytime soon, Lorelai took a deep breath and forced herself to take charge of the situation.  
  
"Um, guys… could you give us a minute? I just need to ask Luke something and then you can come back. But it's kind of… um… personal."  
  
At the word 'personal' Patty and Babette's eyes sparkled gleefully.  
  
"Oh, of course honey. You take all the time you need." Patty smiled as they made their way to the door.  
  
"No!" Luke called out. "Stay! Lorelai and I can talk later."  
  
"Luke!" Lorelai stared at him in disbelief.  
  
"The customer comes first Lorelai."  
  
"Ok, you know what? Either they leave or I just say it with them sitting there."  
  
Miss Patty and Babette watched, transfixed by the tension. Luke looked from Lorelai to Miss Patty and Babette and then back.  
  
"Fine." He muttered. "Patty, Babette, we're gonna need that minute." He sighed.  
  
Knowing they'd get the gossip one way or another, but slightly disappointed they wouldn't witness anything first hand, they left the diner and planted themselves outside in front of the main window.  
  
"Now, can you please stop flitting about like a sparrow on speed, and let me talk?" Lorelai asked.  
  
Luke nodded reluctantly and came to a standstill behind the counter.  
  
"Ok."  
  
Lorelai paused for a moment, expecting Luke to start babbling like an idiot. When he remained silent and still, she smiled and continued.  
  
"Last night, I kissed you."  
  
"Yes. I remember. I was there."  
  
"I am not sure why I kissed you…"  
  
"That's why I was trying to prevent us having this conversation. So that you wouldn't have to awkwardly tell me to forget it ever happened…" Luke stopped when he noticed Lorelai glaring at him playfully. "Sorry… you speak, I'll listen."  
  
"Thank you." She chuckled. "Anyway, like I was saying… I don't know why I kissed you, and I don't know what you… I mean… I'm not sure how you felt about it. But as far as I'm concerned… it was something that had been building up for a long time."  
  
"It was?" Luke frowned.  
  
"I think so… don't you?"  
  
"I… well… I… what I think really doesn't matter…."  
  
"It does."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes." Lorelai laughed softly.  
  
"I think… I think that it was probably just one of those spur of the moment… coffee induced things."  
  
"I hadn't had coffee." She smirked.  
  
"But you were about to have some and just the promise of coffee is enough to make you do things you probably wouldn't…"  
  
"Luke?" She cut him off.  
  
"Yes?" He asked, trying to conceal the dread he was feeling.  
  
"Would you like to go out, sometime? With me, I mean. On a date."  
  
Luke stared at Lorelai in confusion. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. She was supposed to tell him how much she cared about him, but that she and Chris were going to get married and live happily ever after.  
  
"A date? You and me… on a date?" He frowned.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You and _me_ on a date?"  
  
"Um… yes."  
  
"You, as is you and me, as in…"  
  
"You." She smiled.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"I think so." She laughed.  
  
"This isn't exactly how I saw this conversation going." He admitted as a blush spread across his cheeks.  
  
"Did it go better or worse than this?" She asked curiously.  
  
"Oh… much worse." He chuckled softly. "But at least I came off a lot more dignified and a lot less moronic."  
  
They smiled at one another in silence for a moment and then heard excited squealing coming from outside. When they turned around, they saw that half of the town had gathered and were watching eagerly.  
  
"It's like living in a giant mental institution." Luke mumbled.  
  
Lorelai waved at the crowd, who were all gazing hopefully at her, wondering if their most beloved non-couple had finally got it together enough to remove the 'non' part.  
  
She nodded and gave Patty the thumbs up. Patty immediately started bouncing around excitedly, and was soon joined by Babette.  
  
Luke and Lorelai looked at each other and gave into the laughter threatening to take over them both.


	15. When Everything's Made to be Broken

**Title:** _This Feeling That Remains._  
  
**Summary:** In the aftermath of the car accident, the Gilmore Girls try to pick up the pieces and move on.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. This story idea is my own, although it does contain some scenes from the actual show in places. (mainly at the beginning)

**Authors Note:** This fic starts during the episode **Teach Me Tonight**, right after Lorelai leaves Rory at the hospital to go and find Jess. It's a Java/Lit fic.

This is the last chapter of this fic! *tear* I'm gonna' miss you guys! lol I'll have to get working on something else.

I want to say a big, huge, enormous, coffee-covered **Thank You** to everyone who reviewed this fic. I sooooo appreciate it.

Note to those who think it'd be weird for Rory and Jess if Lorelai and Luke were together: It would only make them cousins, but only by marriage, not by blood. And there's nothing wrong with that. :) I mean it's weird to some people, but it's not illegal and it's not 'wrong'. It's just a strange coincidence that Jess's uncle and Rory's mother happen to be attracted to each other. 

*~*~*~*

"I'm gonna go get a soda. Do you want anything?"  
  
Rory frowned. Someone was talking to her. Someone was saying something…  
  
Dean!  
  
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Thanks." She forced a smiled.  
  
Dean sighed and walked away. They'd been walking around the festival together for almost 2 hours now, and Rory had been distant the whole time. When she did talk to him she seemed awkward and every smile seemed fake.  
She kept telling him she was just feeling a little dizzy from the heat, or that she just needed some water.  
  
Rory felt someone tapping on her left shoulder, and when she turned to look, there was no one there. But when she turned back around, Jess was standing in front of her and she let out a little squeal as she jumped back.  
  
"I never knew you were so skittish." He smirked.  
  
"What are you doing here?" She asked, trying to get her heartbeat to slow down.  
  
"Well, I was just enjoying the festival. This town sure knows how to party. I was a little offended when Kirk said I was too big to go for a pony ride, but I got over it as soon as I saw the cotton candy…"  
  
"Dean is…" She turned to look for him but couldn't see him. "He's going to be back any minute." She sighed. "I'm sorry… he's just not happy with us hanging out."  
  
"Did you tell him we're just friends?"  
  
"Yes." She sighed.  
  
"So?" He raised and eyebrow at her.  
  
"So… it doesn't matter. He doesn't like you. He doesn't trust you, and he thinks…"  
  
"Do you like me? Do you trust me? What do you think?"  
  
"Yes, yes and I don't know." She folded her arms across her chest. "It's not like it matters much what I think." She mumbled.  
  
"Look… we're friends, ok? Dean can deal with that…"  
  
"But…"  
  
"And if he can't deal with it, that's his problem."  
  
"Can't deal with what?" Dean asked accusingly, holding a soda out towards Rory.  
  
"Nothing." Rory stated quickly, silently pleading with Jess to leave.  
  
"It didn't sound like nothing. It sounded like you two were arguing." Dean continued.  
  
"And if we were, why do you assume it has anything to do with you?" Jess asked.  
  
"I'm her boyfriend."  
  
"Yeah, her boyfriend, not her legal guardian. Jeez, man, you need to calm down."  
  
"And you need to shut up and walk away." Dean ordered angrily.  
  
"Dean, come on…" Rory begged gently, pulling on Dean's hand and trying to lead him away from a confrontation with Jess, verbal or otherwise.  
  
Dean continued to glare at Jess as he allowed Rory to lead him a few feet away. Jess didn't move.  
  
"I hate that guy, Rory. He's a jerk."  
  
"I know you hate him… but he's my friend." Rory tried to explain.  
  
"Why? Why do you need another friend? You have friends! You spend all you time with Paris or Lane or your mom… it's not like you have time for _more_ friends." He sighed.  
  
"I have time." Rory protested.  
  
"I don't see why you have to be friends with that idiot. All he ever does it try and make me crazy!"  
  
"Don't let him! If you're right, and he is trying to get you riled up, then all you're doing is proving that he's capable of it!"  
  
"Are you taking his side?" Dean stared at Rory in disbelief.  
  
"I'm not taking his side! I'm not taking anyone's side and, if I were going to take a side, it'd be yours, because you're my boyfriend."  
  
"Because I'm your boyfriend, but not because you think I'm right and he's wrong?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're saying you'd take my side but only because you feel some kind of obligation to me as my girlfriend, not because you believe I'm right."  
  
"Oh my god…" Rory sighed in frustration.  
  
"Well?!" He demanded.  
  
"How is anyone supposed to be right? How? This is stupid! He's my friend and you're my boyfriend! I want to be able to have you both in my life. Why is that so hard to understand?!"  
  
"Because he's a jerk, Rory. He's nothing like you!"  
  
"How do you know? You don't know him, none of you know him!"  
  
Rory tried to calm herself down. She realized she was shouting and that the louder her voice got, the louder Dean's got and vice versa. People were watching. She hated having public fights with people. She especially didn't want to fight with Dean in public. It was way too teen movie for her liking.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Dean frowned.  
  
"It means… It means…" Rory sighed. "I don't know what it means. Can we please not talk about this…"  
  
"No. Look, I have tried to ignore it but I can't."  
  
"Ignore what?"  
  
"You and Jess! He's always around, Rory. He's always lurking in the background!"  
  
"He's not… _always_…" Rory started to protest.  
  
"Whatever! He's there. He's at your house, he's at the diner… he's bidding on your basket and eating dinner with you. He's studying with you… he's sitting on a park bench in the middle of town with you! Every time I turn my back for even a second, he's there and I'm sick of it!"  
  
"I don't ask him to do those things!"  
  
"No. But you never ask him to leave. You never tell him to stop."  
  
"Because I don't want him to!" Rory blurted out.  
  
There was a pause, an uncomfortable pause, where Dean focused all his attention on trying to read the expression on her face.  
  
"Because he's your friend, right?" Dean asked uncertainly.  
  
Rory didn't answer. She hugged herself protectively and stared at the ground.  
  
"Rory, what's going on?"  
  
"What's going on is… I'm tired of this. Of you yelling at me for spending time with Jess." She cried. "He was just a friend…"  
  
"Was?"  
  
"But you kept telling me to stay away from him. All of you. And the more you pushed me to stay away from him, the closer we ended up."  
  
"What are you talking about? Did something happen between you and Jess?!"  
  
"Does it matter?"  
  
"Of course it matters!" Dean bellowed.  
  
"Stop yelling at me! I'm trying to be honest with you and you're just…"  
  
"You don't think I have a right to be angry? You lied to me, Rory!"  
  
"Yes. I lied to you, and I lied to my mom, and I lied to Jess and this town and everyone else I can think of. Including myself! And you know why? Because I always have to be perfect little Rory Gilmore. I always have to do and say and be the right thing and I don't make bad choices and I don't get confused because I'm too smart to get confused!"  
  
Dean was thoroughly lost, standing in the middle of town, listening to Rory ranting about how confined and censored she felt. Yes, she was perfect little Rory Gilmore, but he'd always thought that was a role she'd taken it upon herself to play, not one she felt was forced on her by everyone else.  
  
"So at the end of the day, you can tell me that Jess and I are nothing alike and that he's a jerk, but I'm just as much of a jerk as he is! I've told more lies than he has, and I've hurt more people than he has…"  
  
"Rory…" Dean sighed, reaching out to hold her hand, to calm her down.  
  
"No." She took a step back, wiping tears from her eyes. "As long as we're being honest, you should know that… I am not perfect, and I am very, very confused… and you don't know me half as well as you think you do. So it's probably best if we just… break up."  
  
Rory turned and started walking away, ignoring Deans confused gaze and the shocked looks she was receiving from everyone around her, including Jess.  
  
"Rory!"  
  
She ignored him. She was walking away from him, finally. And she wasn't going to let herself turn around and pretend that things could be fixed or smoothed over. Because even if they could, she was pretty sure she didn't want them to be. So in the end she'd just continue to unintentionally mess them up until they were truly unfixable. 

  
  
* * * * *  
  
Rory sat in the dark, with her back resting against the oddly comforting tree. Its bark was rough and coarse, but the tree itself was solid. And at that moment, solid was good.  
  
She wiped her cheeks idly with the back of her hand and sniffed quietly. She'd been crying on and off all afternoon. She hadn't been sitting under the tree all afternoon, though. She spent most of it wandering around town, trying not to cross paths with anyone she knew or anyone she felt she owed an explanation to, because she honestly didn't have an explanation for any of it.  
  
Pin pointing the exact moment she'd realized she wasn't in love with Dean was difficult. On some level, she'd always known, it was just a matter of admitting it to her self. Sure, she'd _loved_ him. But as Paris had said, there was a difference between love and being in love.  
When she'd realized that her being friends with Jess was never going to be ok with Dean, something inside her broke down. It was a choice… and she'd chosen Jess. Or rather, the freedom to have Jess in her life. Without question, without dispute.  
  
She still loved Dean, but not the way she used to. Not the way she wished she did. For his sake and for her mothers.  
  
And Jess… she didn't know if she could define her feelings for him with just one word. It wasn't friendship… it was way more than that. She wondered if it was love. Or maybe she was in love with him. She was still figuring out how to tell those feelings apart, and then she'd be able to figure out which one applied.  
  
One thing she was certain of, was that whatever she felt for Jess was all her. No outside influence, because when it came to Jess she really didn't listen to everyone else. Any decision she came to about Jess would be her own and no one else's.  
  
"They're looking for you, you know?"  
  
She looked up at him, her eyes were well enough adjusted to the dark to be able to make out his face, but just barely.  
  
"How did you find me?" She sniffed, wiping her cheeks again and pulling her knees up to her chest.  
  
"I wasn't looking." He said honestly. "I mean… I was. Not in the 'mountain rescue' way that the rest of the town was…"  
  
Rory smiled slightly and nodded.  
  
"Do you come here much?" He asked, sitting beside her.  
  
"No." She shook her head. "Usually, I go to the Gazebo or…"  
  
"The bridge." He smiled.  
  
"How about you? If you weren't looking for me, how come you ended up here?" She asked curiously.  
  
"I seem to find myself here a lot. It's as quiet as the bridge, but it's further away from that insane asylum known as Stars Hollow."  
  
"Why here though?" She asked quietly.  
  
"Same question to you."  
  
"I asked you first."  
  
Jess looked at her in the dark and then looked down at the ground, grateful that if he blushed, she wouldn't be able to tell.  
  
"Well… I don't know… It might have something to do with a certain kiss I shared with a certain someone at a certain wedding…" He laughed softly. "And a certain… feeling of maybe being wanted. Despite that someone's verbal protests suggesting I wasn't."  
  
Now Rory was blushing, and it was her turn to be grateful for the darkness.  
After a long moment of silence Jess heard her crying again. He didn't know what had brought it on, but he didn't say anything. He waited for her to choose what she did and didn't want to tell him.  
  
"I didn't mean to do it." She cried softly. "I didn't mean to hurt Dean. And… god, I hurt Dean." She sniffed and covered her face with her hands. "And I hurt you, and my mom…" She shook her head slightly. "I didn't mean to."  
  
Jess nodded in understanding and picked at blades of grass around where they were sitting. This conversation didn't involve him. Not right now. This was Rory realizing and explaining things to herself… he just happened to be sitting there, and she just happened to not mind.  
  
"I don't understand how you can sit there, like I deserve to have you around." She sighed and folded her arms over her knees, resting her chin on them. "I don't understand why you even care. Why me? Why do you care about me, Jess?"  
  
He remained silent. Some day she'd understand why. And one day, maybe he would as well. Right now he didn't have any answers for her. He couldn't explain why he'd spent the last year waiting for her to come into the diner and smile, or even glance at him. He couldn't tell her what it was about her that had knocked him off guard the second he first laid eyes on her. And how, when ever they talked, he struggled to maintain those defenses and walls he'd spent years constructing.   
  
So he said nothing.   
  
She ran her hand through her hair slowly, ignoring the tears rolling down her cheeks. She brought her fingertips up to her face and gently rubbed her forehead. She had a pounding headache from crying so much.  
  
Her body shook as more tears fell. This time Jess realized it wasn't just a slow trickle of salty emotion as she let go of things, but an outpouring of hurt as she realized what had happened.  
  
"Rory…?"  
  
She didn't respond, she had buried her face in her folded arms and was sobbing.  
  
"Rory… come on." He almost pleaded. "Don't… don't cry. There are two things in this life that I don't understand… women and crying. Crying women… I just can't deal with it." He sighed.  
  
He thought that he almost heard a small laugh through her tears, but he couldn't be sure. He tentatively reached out his arm, and then quickly pulled it back towards him. He clenched his fist nervously.  
  
He couldn't believe he was nervous. He'd been in a lot of strange situations in his life. He'd been around women a lot more intimidating than Rory. But the idea of comforting her… Not just offering a few words of understanding, but actually comforting her. It scared the hell out of him.  
  
He reached out again and slowly placed an arm around her shoulders and, as he did so, he felt her become still for a second. It was one of the longest seconds in the world, where he was left wonder if he'd made a wrong move, and she was internally debating what her reaction should be.   
She allowed her body to relax again, and she continued crying. He hesitantly shifted closer to her, pulling her gently towards him. He almost froze when her head instinctively lifted from her arms and came to rest against his shoulder.  
He swallowed hard, his chin resting against the top of her head while his hand rubbed her arm gently, reassuringly. Was this how it was supposed to go? He wasn't sure how he could tell if he was helping, if he was doing the right thing.   
In reply to his silent questions, Rory reached her hand up and wrapped her fingers around the fabric of his his jacket, holding on to it firmly, pulling him closer, craving comfort. Something real and stable.  
He closed his eyes, his lips pressed lightly against the loose hair haphazardly covering her forehead. Yeah. He had it right.  
  
This was closeness.  
  
This was something he wasn't at all familiar with. And after showing her that there was a world beyond the one she lived in, this was Rory's gift to him.  
It didn't matter that _he_ was comforting _her_, it mattered that he felt able to. It mattered that, as terrified as it made him for reasons he still couldn't fathom… he wanted to sit in the dark with her, wordless and calm… and just hold her.  
  
Friends or more. Love or in love. The feeling really didn't need to be defined right then. What mattered was that she could admit that she felt it, and he was capable of feeling it. 

**** The End ****

A/N: Love it? Hate it? Well... I started writing and this is what came of it. I hope you liked it, but if you didn't, I'm sorry. Either way, thanks for coming along for the ride. 

**The stars-hollow.org gang - ** Haddy, Emily, Lia, Jules, sidney, Leila, Steph, Ashley, AvidTVfan, LukeLorelai4EVER, Vanessa, Ilona, championship_vinyl, LeRêveur, Kimberly, Amanda, and Tink. Thanks for the support and encouragement with this fic. You guys rock! I love you!

ILoveJess, Tye, Jayde, blackrose, lilacmoon, Arianna, sleepless-dreams, Sweetie, Roganu-chan, LitJJAiken, yesitsme, Spreeaholic, JCtigerwolf4e, Coolio02, lauren, Len, Starrychick90, Samantha, s, Kayla, Leigh, Katie, megan, Jaded Evie, LCI-02/03, alliegirl, Firehawk, Luke Rules, Kris, mememe, Alece, JavaJunkie-ie, airforcebrat529, meffy, gilmoregurl1928763 and anyone I'm forgetting!   
I'm ** so** grateful that you all took the time to say something (and in some cases, say ** a lot**) about my little fic here.

Oh, and of course, Tye's evil twin, Rye. 


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